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by: Protoclown

So apparently Virginia has deemed it necessary to begin an aggressive new ad campaign in an effort to increase general health and public awareness among residents. This is great, unfortunately the helpful information they've decided to pass along is that WE SHOULD NOT FUCK CHILDREN.

Whew, that was a close call! I was just about to go cruising the local orphanage looking to pick up some "itty bitty titty" (as Christopher Walken said best). But now that I know better, I'm going to the local pound to find a fuckbuddy instead! Gee, thanks Virginia! That sure was helpful!

This ad campaign's slogan is "Isn't she a little young? Sex with a minor – don't go there." Well, no shit! Thanks for the oh-so-informative newsflash! This slogan, along with two silhouetted figures of ironically indeterminate age sitting on a bench, is going to be appearing on billboards and bar napkins across the state later this year. Fucking BAR napkins?? Are bars a hot spot frequented by 13 year old girls looking to get picked up by creepy 40 year old men?

Yeah dad, isn't she a little young? And what will mom think?
Officer, the mysterious shadowy blob
person told me she was 18! I swear!

What purpose do they think these ads will serve, aside from causing tremendous amounts of embarrassment for all the normal people who live here? Do they honestly think that somebody will be driving down the highway, see the billboard and suddenly think "Oh my god! I'm going to have to stop fucking the Wilsons' eight year old daughter! I had no idea it was wrong!"? Apparently, they do. Am I really living in a state inhabited by thousands of insane child molesters?

According to the Virginia Department of Health, in the years 1999 and 2000, men over the age of 18 were responsible for 219 births involving girls who were only 13 or 14. So apparently there IS a problem, but I'm thinking that it's one a napkin isn't going to solve. I've never known a napkin to make that much of a difference to well, anything. Though "The Napkin That Changed the World!" does have a nice flair to it, I have to admit. No, napkins will not solve this problem, nor will any other tableware, I should think. These people are obviously fucked in the head beyond all redemption.

The only thing I can see making any sort of impression on people like that is an angry mob carrying baseball bats. What Virginia needs to do is hire thugs to pound some "awareness" into these horrible bastards. End of story. Problem solved. Once again you have a perfect example of the government taking good intentions and then doing something so embarrassingly insipid with them that my mind nearly shatters in a Lovecraftian recoil of disbelief.

Since the only two responses I can conceive of to this campaign are humor and madness, I've decided to apply humor to the situation, and after discussing the topic with some friends, we've come up with equally ludicrous ad campaigns that Virginia (or any other bold, pioneering moral authority) may wish to use at some point in the future. They make about as much sense as the current one they're planning to use, so I see no reason why they shouldn't consider these as well. I look forward to the day when I may see one of these dispensing helpful advice from the side of the highway. BEHOLD!

hint: the bottom pic is the game, the top pic is real.

actually, you'd need guns to fend off the people who would pummel you for wearing this lame shit

But it makes for a great way to kill 'em without a lot of blood splattering!

But it does make for a great Mexican Piñata filler.

If not, smash their face in a few times with this and then it will certainly look wrinkled.

I'm telling you to scoop my poop LOL ROFL OMG!

And let's step on the gas with those back-alley rapings!

Not your child's anus either. :(

Oh come on, look at her lying in there. SHE'S ASKING FOR IT!


And here's one of a more international persuasion, and if only we had employed it throughout airports across the country a terrible tragedy may have been averted.

Are you sure though? I mean, it really resembles one from this angle...

Because we all know these ads are an effective deterrent against insane terrorists who think that flying planes into buildings and killing thousands of people is going to net them a spot in heaven where they will be fed grapes by 87 virgins on a daily basis. Just like they're obviously going to be quite useful discouraging someone who is batshitzania enough to fuck a child. It's because of this that every morning I wake up, salute the flag, and thank God for our government, who will do everything they can to protect us with their napkins.

note: Protoclown would like to thank his friends, particularly Dave, for helping him brainstorm the ideas for these fine ads. He would also like to add that he has never done "that" with a teddy bear.

editor's note: Yes he has.


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