So apparently Virginia has deemed it necessary to begin an
aggressive new ad campaign in an effort to increase general
health and public awareness among residents. This is great,
unfortunately the helpful information they've decided to pass
along is that WE SHOULD NOT FUCK CHILDREN.
Whew, that was a close call! I was just about to go cruising the
local orphanage looking to pick up some "itty bitty titty" (as
Christopher Walken said best). But now that I know better, I'm
going to the local pound to find a fuckbuddy instead! Gee,
thanks Virginia! That sure was helpful!
This ad campaign's slogan is "Isn't she a little young? Sex with
a minor – don't go there." Well, no shit! Thanks for the
oh-so-informative newsflash! This slogan, along with two
silhouetted figures of ironically indeterminate age sitting on a
bench, is going to be appearing on billboards and bar napkins
across the state later this year. Fucking BAR napkins?? Are bars
a hot spot frequented by 13 year old girls looking to get picked
up by creepy 40 year old men?
Officer, the mysterious shadowy blob
person told me she was 18! I swear!
What purpose do they think these ads will serve, aside from
causing tremendous amounts of embarrassment for all the normal
people who live here? Do they honestly think that somebody will
be driving down the highway, see the billboard and suddenly
think "Oh my god! I'm going to have to stop fucking the Wilsons'
eight year old daughter! I had no idea it was wrong!"?
Apparently, they do. Am I really living in a state inhabited by
thousands of insane child molesters?
According to the Virginia Department of Health, in the years
1999 and 2000, men over the age of 18 were responsible for 219
births involving girls who were only 13 or 14. So apparently
there IS a problem, but I'm thinking that it's one a napkin
isn't going to solve. I've never known a napkin to make that
much of a difference to well, anything. Though "The Napkin That
Changed the World!" does have a nice flair to it, I have to
admit. No, napkins will not solve this problem, nor will any
other tableware, I should think. These people are obviously
fucked in the head beyond all redemption.
The only thing I can see making any sort of impression on people
like that is an angry mob carrying baseball bats. What Virginia
needs to do is hire thugs to pound some "awareness" into these
horrible bastards. End of story. Problem solved. Once again you
have a perfect example of the government taking good intentions
and then doing something so embarrassingly insipid with them
that my mind nearly shatters in a Lovecraftian recoil of
Since the only two responses I can conceive of to this campaign
are humor and madness, I've decided to apply humor to the
situation, and after discussing the topic with some friends,
we've come up with equally ludicrous ad campaigns that Virginia
(or any other bold, pioneering moral authority) may wish to use
at some point in the future. They make about as much sense as
the current one they're planning to use, so I see no reason why
they shouldn't consider these as well. I look forward to the day
when I may see one of these dispensing helpful advice from the
side of the highway. BEHOLD!
And here's one of a more international persuasion, and if only
we had employed it throughout airports across the country a
terrible tragedy may have been averted.
Because we all know these ads are an effective deterrent against
insane terrorists who think that flying planes into buildings
and killing thousands of people is going to net them a spot in
heaven where they will be fed grapes by 87 virgins on a daily
basis. Just like they're obviously going to be quite useful
discouraging someone who is batshitzania enough to fuck a child.
It's because of this that every morning I wake up, salute the
flag, and thank God for our government, who will do everything
they can to protect us with their napkins.
note: Protoclown would like to
thank his friends, particularly Dave, for helping him brainstorm
the ideas for these fine ads. He would also like to add that he
has never done "that" with a teddy bear.
editor's note: Yes he has.
THINK YOU CAN COME UP WITH A BETTER AD
PUT YOUR PHOTOSHOP SKILLS TO WORK AND
POST YOUR ADS HERE FOR ALL TO SEE!