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CITY PARKING HELL
by: -RoG-

City Parking. Two words that can make someone cringe even more than when someone scrapes his or her nails down a chalkboard. I have a lot of anger in me, but right now if I was to point my finger at one source for all of it, I would have to blame my city parking situation.

First off, let me say that I love city life. There's murder, fires, insane homeless people that talk to trees... you name it! There's always something entertaining to look at or to do in a city. Furthermore, I abhor the suburbs. I would rather chew on tinfoil all year long than live in the suburbs for even a single day. I recently moved into a new apartment here in the big city. It seemed cool enough... close to a lot of shops, easy access to buses and subways: total convenience, right? WRONG.

The parking situation here is BY FAR the worst I have ever had to deal with. Now, I've lived in the city before and I know how parking can be frustrating at times; but with my new place it's ALWAYS an issue. Sometimes when I'm driving back home I think to myself, "Should I just not even bother trying to find a parking space and stay at a motel to save myself the frustration?" But no, like an idiot, I continue to drive home and attempt to find that virtual "needle in the haystack" that is known as "an available parking space". 

You'd think that since you have to buy an expensive parking pass just so you can park in one area of the city that they'd have enough spaces for you. But no. I'll get home at 6pm, but I won't actually enter my apartment until 6:30 or 7:00pm. Why? Because, along with all the other bastards that are driving in circles with me, I'm stuck trying to find a single space to park.

You should see me in my car. Yelling, cursing, honking my horn like a maniac... my parking situation gives "road rage" an entire new meaning. I've literally come close to getting in accidents 2 or 3 times already in the few months I've been here. I'll see someone going to their car and I'll speed out towards them with excitement, nearly crashing into another car that was coming up the street that I didn't bother to notice.

It's so pathetic though. I'll sit there outside of the apartment building in my car, eyes wide open and cackling from the pure madness of sitting in my car for a half-hour. I'm perched like a wild beast just waiting to pounce on the first bastard that gets off his fat ass and moves his damned car.

And I gotta admit, I feel sorry for the people who move their car. Cuz by that time, I'm so impatient, I will follow people for a half mile as they walk timidly to their car. Poor old ladies think that I'm stalking them because I drive slowly behind them as they make their way to their car. Then again, I've been tempted to get out of the car and give these people a beating for taking their sweet-assed time to move. So these people should consider themselves lucky that the only thing I'm after is their parking space... and not their lives (yet).

Some of these jackasses will get in their car and get me all excited. Screaming with joy, "Hahahah! They're leaving! That spot is MINE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Then they spend another 10 - 15 minutes sitting in the car. I'll sit there waiting for them to leave, with a completely baffled look on my face. They'll pick their nose, they'll adjust their mirrors to a perfect 45 degree angle, they'll make sure they have all the proper paperwork in the glove compartment... AAAAAAAARGGHHH! MOVE IT YOU LAZY SLOTH!

I swear it's good I don't have a gun. I will never buy a gun, because I would probably be FAR too tempted to take out one of these bastards. Especially the ones who get me all excited and then go, "Oh, I'm not moving my car, I was just getting something out of it." I honestly don't know what doesn't stop me from running those people down on the spot.

Perhaps this sums up the parking situation in a city.

Mark my words people... the next time I move I'm not taking a car with me. I'm getting a bike or a gas-powered scooter (like a Goped) or a pogo-stick or I'll just friggin' walk. Having a car is the one thing that is just not worth it when you live in a city.

note: -RoG- wrote this rant in his car, while waiting to find a parking spot on this cold, shitty winter evening. True story.


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