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CLERKS
by: Protoclown

I have a little nugget of information to share with you today, a little something you can keep in mind the next time you go into the store. You know the clerk who’s always smiling at you when you walk in and is ever so helpful with all your shopping needs? Well, I’ve got news for you. They hate your guts.

Think about it: before you got there they were probably just chatting it up with their coworkers, talking about movies or music that they like, or telling funny stories to pass the time. Generally having about as good a time as you can have at work. And then YOU came along and interrupted everything. You rude and inconsiderate bastard. Now they have to be attentive to your silly needs, if they don’t want a complaint reaching its way to their manager anyway. So they put on the fake smile and pretend they’re happy to help. It doesn’t matter if you’re hostile or not. They view you as THE ENEMY.

It’s just like Kevin Smith’s film "Clerks" says: "This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers". This is absolutely true. I used to be a clerk myself, or I at least manned a register in any event back in high school. I ran a register at the wonderful workplaces of McDonald’s and the local mall Movie Theater. It was pure hell. You really DO get to hate the customers after a while.

Initially you typically only hate the asshole customers, or the whiny customers. The people who just go out of their way to be as annoying as possible. But soon you’ll come to hate them ALL. Trust me, it doesn’t matter how good your attitude is going in, or how much you love people. Sooner or later you’ll come to view them all as mere obstacles littering your path to FREEDOM.

As a former clerk myself, I’ve come to sympathize with those who are currently in that position, and I can identify a great deal with how they feel. So I do what I can to help them. And I suggest you do too.

I’ve become what I like to consider a "clerk avenger". Basically, this means that when I’m waiting in line and there’s another customer up in the front giving the clerk shit, I start giving that CUSTOMER a bunch of shit. It’s loads of fun, because you get to take out all your build up aggression and anger from when you were a clerk and throw it in some asshole’s face. And they can do NOTHING about it. They can bitch and whine and call management. They might get you tossed out of the store, but not likely (and if they do, who the hell cares?). They’re usually too flustered to bother, they’ll just get their shit done as quickly as possible and leave. And then the clerk thinks of you as a hero. You might even find some of your stuff "discounted" if you know what I mean...

DIE CONSUMER WHORE.

Seriously though, give it a try sometime. It’s great! Next time you have some asshole redneck giving the clerk shit because "he’s gay", or you have some snobby woman insulting the intelligence of someone who clearly has got their shit together, just GO OFF on them. Start a scene. You’ll really embarrass the fuck out of them and every clerk in that store will think you are the SHIT.

Oh, and next time you see somebody in line who’s talking on a cell phone just cut right in front of them without even looking back. They’ll get pissed off and start yelling at you and you can just say "Oh sorry, you obviously weren’t ready. I didn’t want you to have to interrupt your conversation, that would have been rude." Fucking yuppie bastards deserve to be messed with anyway.

Anyway, the bottom line here is that these clerks receive a LOT of shit from a lot of people. They generally get shat upon by the vast majority of people that approach the counter throughout the day. So it feels good every once in a while to help them give some shit BACK to the customers. So get into those stores and start pissing off the customers! 

note: Protoclown took his lesson a little too close to heart, and was thrown out of Wal-Mart for shitting in another customer’s cart. (Hey! That rhymes!)

note #2: Although he agrees with pissing off customers, -RoG- used to work in a retirement home and feed old people their grool (including delicious desserts such as "The Prune Swirl"). So to all of you clerks out there that think you have it so bad... KISS MY ASS.


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