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by: -RoG-

I've been working on computers in one way or another for many years now, and the one thing that has never changed no matter how advanced they get is: THEY STILL LOCK UP. Now I try TO be a responsible guy when I'm working on my computer. I try to save my work on a regular basis "just in case" something goes wrong. 

But every now and then I forget, and that is the time that my computer ALWAYS decides to lock up on me. It's like they put monitoring systems inside a computer that track when the last time you saved your work was... and if you haven't saved your work in an hour it plays a joke on you by locking up on you or crashing.

(computer thinking to itself) "Hmm, he's been working on that design for 2 hours straight and he's so involved with it that he's forgotten to save it! Well, it's time to ruin this chump's day! Muahahahahahahahahah!"

So what do you do when this happens? Well, if you're like me, the first thing you do is blurt out a huge array of obscenities and hope none of the clients that happened to be in the office where you work heard you. (or if I'm at home, I hope the poor old lady that lives next to me who probably thinks I'm the antichrist didn't hear it). But what comes next is the most pathetic thing in the world, and any of you who work on computers on a regular basis know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

The person who just had their computer send them a virtual cyberific "fuck you" will stop their yelling and just sit there. They'll sit there for a few minutes staring at the screen, sometimes hitting a few keys here 'n there, trying ANYTHING they can to avoid having to shut down their system and reboot. The last thing this person wants to do is lose all of their work, but it's futile. His or her co-workers look onward trying to give this poor soul some support, but inside they know this person is screwed. Eventually you see this poor bastard let out a big sigh as they hit the off switch. Then they'll get up and walk away for a little bit, they look like they're leaving a funeral. Later on, after punching some inanimate object in another room to let out some of their frustration, they'll come back to their computer that has been restarted and begin the process all over again. It's really a sad thing to witness.

One of my personal favorite computer screw-ups is when all of a sudden a program just exits itself instantly. No warning, no "system error" or "the program is not responding", it just disappears. Where the hell did it go!? Do these programs go on some kind of a coffee break or something? Do computers have holiday vacations or something that I don't know of? It doesn't make sense at all, and for the kind of money these things cost, this shouldn't even be an issue.

So I have to assume that computers do have a consciousness and, although they can make a lot of things in life easier, they have a sadistic side. They love torturing the hell out of us stupid humans.

If you think about it, the only way to deal with computers screwing up like this is if you treat them as if they were real people. That's right, and eye for an eye! If your computer tries to screw you, well then you screw it right back, ten fold! Here's some ideas:

  • Should a program crash on you, rename the program file to something really insulting. For example, if Internet Explorer crashed on you, go into the directory where the executable file is and rename it from its current name "IEXPLORE.EXE" to "PATHETIC-LITTLE-WHORE.EXE". This will make the program feel bad, as if it's a completely worthless failure. And all of the other programs will point and laugh at it. This also will get the word out to the other programs that if they mess up, this is their fate as well.

  • If your computer locks up on you on a regular basis, buy a new computer and put it right next to it. Then only use that new computer, but leave the old one turned on at all times. That way it can see that you've moved on in your life and are getting along just fine without it. This will really hurt the feelings of your old computer and make it feel like you "traded it in for a newer model".

  • If your computer has video problems, such as a flickering monitor, bad contrast, or whatever; you can get even right away. Go into your color settings for the computer and give it the most atrocious color combinations you can come up with. I mean HORRIBLE color combinations like light pink, neon green, and purple. It will soon develop a huge inferiority complex because when compared to all the other computers, this one will look like quite the "sissy computer". In fact, if there are other computers near it, when you leave the area, chances are they'll beat up this "sissy computer".

  • Hang-up a poster of a really old piece of shit computer next to your current computer. If you want, you could even hang up a picture of the original computer: The Abacus! Then whenever your computer messes up, turn and look to that poster and say out loud "Man, I remember when they made quality computers like that... the good old days". You really can't give a computer a worse insult than saying an abacus performs better! If a computer could cry, this would make it do so.

The Abacus
Ah yes, when computers were dependable.

Well, you get the general idea. I'm sure you can come up with all sorts of other creative ways to torture your computer. It's all about mind games... psychological warfare baby! Are you going to let your computer get the best of you? I didn't think so! So the next time your computer decides to play a little joke on you and make you lose all your work, you be sure to do something evil right back at it. Maybe then it'll show a little respect for you and start working the way it's supposed to.

If not, just buy a ton of cheap computers from a flea market and set them on fire and video tape it. It will hardly cost you anything, but you can play this footage back for your cheap-assed computer to see. Then simply tell it "KEEP IT UP AND THIS WILL BE YOU."

I guarantee your computer will work perfectly from that point on.

note: -RoG- obviously needs therapy. He doesn't just treat computers like this, he treats all appliances in the same way. The other day he chained a broken toaster oven to the back of his car and dragged it down the highway while screaming "how do ya like that you little bastard!" to teach it a lesson. Please send all donations to I-Mockery.com, cuz at this rate, -RoG- is going to destroy everything he owns within a few months... including this site.

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