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by: Max Burbank

Okay, maybe youíve seen the TV spot for the Chrysler Concorde; if not, hereís a paraphrase:

Mom and Eleven-year-old daughter are riding in their spiffy Concorde.

DAUGHTER: Mom, why did you and dad name me Savannah?
MOM: Well thatís where you were conceived.
DAUGHTER: Oh. Well... how did she get the name Concorde?

Camera pans to back seat where an infant rides in a car seat. Mom bites her lower lip. Daughter notices dashboard logo, ĎConcordeí. Shot is now outside the car;

NARRATOR: Maybe people just like the Concorde for itís big back seat.

Now this may not be exact text. I looked for the copy on the web, but apparently Chrysler is too embarrassed to post it, as well they should be. The implication is clear. You should buy this car because the back is roomy enough for comfortable screwing. Not like the KIA which, while it has an impressive warranty, is known for chaffing and lower back injuries. To hell with Volvo an itís near legendary safety record, Donít bore me with pointless rambling about whichever the hell company makes that stupid electric hybrid and itís prudish obsession with gas mileage, I want a vehicle I can hump in! Rooms? Beds? What are you, a pervert? If I canít bump my uglies in my car Iím not sure I want my uglies at all!

What exactly do you suppose Chrysler intended with this campaign? Because frankly, I find myself identifying with the daughter. Iím revolted and want nothing to do with the Concorde and itís tainted back seat.

With a spacious back seat, perfect for gettin' your freak on!
The future of advertising for the Concorde?

Why not go further? How about a limited edition with tinted windows, ideal for public masturbation? I canít believe thereí no video monitor, how the hell are you and your lady gonna get the mood unless you watch a few pornos?

And whatís with the kid? Might Mom not want to wait a few years before she tells her oldest sheís named for a city the Ďrents did it in, or perhaps not tell her at all? Is it nice to give the youngest a sex joke for a NAME? And why while weíre on the subject why is the wee infant in a FORWARD FACING car seat? Iíll tell you why, Mom and Dad are feeling a little passive aggressive that precious Concorde rides right in the middle of their Pumpiní Palace! Life just isnít the same since the baby came along and they canít SCREW IN THE BACK SEAT ANYMORE!!

Look, I know Iím not in Chryslerís target demographic, so maybe itís me. Maybe Baby Boomers like the idea of recapturing their lost youth, maybe they really crave a vehicle that combines the elegance of a luxury sedan with the convenience of a beat to shit VW van with an unspeakably stained mattress where the back seat used to be before they pressed it into service as a dorm room couch. Who can tell what those crazed, empty, greedy, self congratulatory navel gazers will lap up next in their feverish, hopeless quest for self fulfillment?

Why not cater to more of their pathetic desires? How about a fun house mirror where the windshield ought to be so Dad wonít look fat when he tries to pick up teen-age girls at the mall? Hey, Soccer Mom, this sensible mid size wagon has plenty of room for your kids, their gear, groceries and itís got a home lippo kit that plugs right into the cigarette lighter! Your over- privileged, resource devouring ass used to bruise slightly while you despoiled the great outdoors from the ivory tower of your SUV, but our new model is cushy as hell on the old cheeks now weíve covered the seats with the TANNED HYDES OF THE WORKING POOR! COULD IT BE MORE OBVIOUS CHRYSLER VIEWS Its CLIENTELLE WITH SCORN?! COULD THEY LAUGH ANY MORE LOUDLY?!

The thing is though; I really kind of like that PT Cruiser. I really want one even though I canít afford it at all, and Iím seriously considering going deeply into debt to get one even though Iíve got two kids who really need to eat once in a while. ĎCause itís kind of cool
looking. Donít you think?

note: Max Burbank wrote this piece while dry humping the exhaust pipe on his car.

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