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Corporate Diary
by: Dr. Boogie

Life in the working world is hard, and we all know that college doesn't help. A lot of us find ourselves working at crappy jobs doing things that, if left undone, would have no effect on anything at all, all the while hoping that we can do our job well enough to earn a small increase in pay. And benefits? Forget it, sicky. You just need to stop taking advantage of dollar taco days at Jack in the Box. As a young man who is almost certainly doomed to a life of corporate-dressed limbo, I've often wondered how the average worker makes it through the day without a bottle of something. During a recent archaeological dig at the site of an ancient office building, I found my answer in the form of old link to an ancient Livejournal. Through this Precambrian blog, and through interviews with the author's surviving tribesmen, I've extrapolated what I believe to be the ideal guide to surviving a day at any number of boring, low-paying corporate shit jobs:

At Home:

First things first, you'll want to get the day started off right with a good breakfast. You'll want to, but you won't be able to. Therefore, you'll have to make due with what you have, and attempt to undo a late night of uneven periods of sleep with cold cereal and a banana. A shower before you dress is optional, though you'll want to get at least one in every week or so, and then it's off to work.

First Half of the Day:

Things aren't going to be looking up when you first arrive at work. Initially, you'll probably be drinking coffee and trying to imagine what life would be like if you didn't have to get up as early as you do. Eventually, though, you'll build up enough energy to get started on your work. Then, as you sit back in your chair, you'll catch a glimpse at the ceiling and start counting the holes in the ceiling tiles (I'm told that your average perforated ceiling tile has exactly 433 holes). As you count, though, you'll come to realize that that not all the holes in the ceiling were manufactured, as further evidenced by the inverted forest of pencils. You'll realize that you're part of a long history of people sitting at your very desk, stretching years into the past, and with that, you'll come to accept that you play only a small part in the great plan of the ever-expanding universe. Then, you'll realize that you've fallen asleep, and struggle to massage the keyboard imprint out of your face.

Break:

Some employers provide smoke breaks for smokers. It should be fairly obvious what you should do here: either take up smoking, or take up faking it. First, make a fist. Next, extend your middle and index fingers. Bring the tips of your two extended figures to your lips and then drop your hand down to your side. Repeat this motion for the duration of the break, and no one will be the wiser. I should also point out that the ruse is much easier to pull off in the winter.

Lunch:

Lunch is that all too necessary second meal of the day when you finally get a chance to make up for the breakfast you pretty much skipped with some greasy fast food, or a selection from the "delicious" food at the cafeteria. When you've made your selection, you should sit down near your coworkers (if you don't know their names, just fake it by calling out random names and seeing who turns a head in your direction). Once seated, you should complain about how you, and by extension they, are so terribly busy, and complain about how you are not getting paid nearly the amount you're worth. Keep an eye on the clock while you're talking, as you'll want to be back to work on time; for our purposes, five minutes late.

Second Half of the Day:

The computer in your workspace, though occasionally used for work-related purposes, is primarily a tool used to dispel boredom. The internet plays a big part in this, and though internet filters typically block much of the most entertaining content that the internet has to offer (are you reading this at work?), one site that often manages to slip past the filters is Wikipedia. Those companies that do allow access to the site do so ostensibly for "work-related searches". On the other hand, considering all the links that appear in any single page on Wikipedia, just about anything you can find is bound to be somehow "work-related." Not all employers see things this way, and that is why god invented cubicle walls. Soon, you'll be looking up everything from spiders, to morphine, to old movies, to octothorpes. Then, you'll more than likely make the mistake of looking at the clock. Once you realize that all your searching has only taken up little more than an hour, a groan is considered appropriate.

Time is really starting to drag out now. You'll be tempted to look at the clock every few minutes, but you'll need to resist that temptation as much as you can. Instead, you'll want to spend your time thinking of excuses you can give your boss in case he tries to get you to stay for overtime. Start with the classics like picking someone up from school/airport/zoo/etc, but also get creative. Ask one of your coworkers to give you a call when your boss is talking about OT, then pick up the phone, act as though you're hearing something troubling, and then hang up and tell your boss that something's come up. If he asks what, tell him "personal stuff". You should then reciprocate when your boss goes to talk to your accomplice, lest you run the risk of being ratted out. Finally, you should leave work a few minutes early to beat the throngs of other people leaving the parking lot. You'll then proceed directly into rush hour traffic and fume at the irony.

Back at Home:

When you finally make it back home, you should take a few moments to remind yourself that this is only temporary until you land your dream job, whatever that may be. Conversely, you'll make no attempt to search for said job, as you're too tired from working all day. Instead, you should flop down on the coach and pass out while watching TV. The next day, just rinse and repeat.

I hope this gives all of you some idea of how to make it through an average day at work. Of course, this guide isn't for everyone. Some of you out there are perfectly happy at your job and have no trouble getting through the day simply by working through the pile in your "In" box. Those of you that aren't lying to yourselves, on the other hand, are bound to find something useful in this guide. If nothing else, you can at least say that you've burned off an extra five minutes or so of your workday by reading the thing.


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