Once again the winter holiday season creeps up on us like a foul
slug, and I find myself a growing tempest of weak and
ineffectual rage with every passing day. Things weren't so bad
when I was a kid. Christmas was Christmas, Thanksgiving was
Thanksgiving, and Hanukkah was what that kid down the street who
was allergic to milk celebrated. But now everything's gone and
gotten muddled all to hell. I can't tell which is which anymore.
Do we put the tree with all the stupid ornaments up for
Thanksgiving? Is Christmas the one where kids come and ask for
candy and we stuff them in the chimney to teach them a lesson? I
can't recall. The lines have gotten blurred, the meanings are
I remember Halloween was the best holiday ever when I was a kid.
It was a huge event in my neighborhood, EVERYONE came out
trick or treating, and a lot of us stayed out until 9 or 10pm.
Two years ago, about five trick or treaters came to my
apartment. Last year? NONE. Not a single one. I thought there
was a knock on the door at one point, but it was just that damn
tumbleweed banging into the side of the building again. Luckily
RoG, myself, and several other 20-somethings went out trick or
treating ourselves to keep the spirit alive. Though there WAS a
lot of tricking and treating going on downtown where we sought
our candy, I was disturbed to see that a good deal of the
participants were older, like us. And a lot of children were
handing us candy! How bassackwards is that??
And I've been hearing more and more talk about how it's the
"devil's holiday" than I ever did when I was a kid. Is that why
hardly anybody does it anymore? Are they afraid of going to
hell? Over CANDY?? Yes, Mrs. Smith, your son Timmy has a special
cell in hell reserved for him. And it's right next to ADOLF
HITLER'S. All because he went out on Halloween dressed in one of
those really crappy frock costumes with a picture of a Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle on the front of it or something. And then,
he had the gall to ask people for candy. At worst, dressing up
in a crappy costume like that warrants an asskicking, but that's
all I'll grant you. A life-sentence in hell? I think not.
Although who knows, maybe those religious fanatics are right.
Perhaps it's all part of some sinister plan of the devil's, to
recruit an army of badly costumed candy eaters. If such a
terrible force was ever assembled, it would certainly spell doom
for all that's good in the universe.
And then there's Thanksgiving. I mean, I appreciate having the
day off work as much as the next guy, but can you think of a
more boring holiday? I mean, besides Arbor Day. That doesn't
count. Shouldn't we be thankful for what we have EVERY day? And
isn't a day where you sit around watching football (as you are
apparently supposed to do) and gorge yourself on enough food to
feed a small nation the LAST thing this country of fatty fat
fatties needs? I mean, do we REALLY need to go through the
motions of stuffing our faces year after year just to honor
history? I'm sure the Indians we betrayed and slaughtered into
oblivion will understand if we say "Hey. Let's not have seven
helpings and four slices of four different pies for dessert this
year. Because we're already fucking fat." Unless you live on an
ancient Indian burial ground, of course. In that case, you'd
better eat like you're training for a pie eating contest, or
else you will face their phantasmal vengeance from beyond the
And now, my nemesis. Hey, Christmas. Who the hell do you think
you are? Seriously. First you started showing up around
Thanksgiving, and that was bad enough. Because your music? It
really sucks. And hearing it for an entire month? Well that
sucks even more. But then you decided to try to get sneaky and
start showing up in malls the day after Halloween. But I'm wise
to your game, pal. I saw that gigantic fucking Christmas tree in
the food court that's so tall the angel on the top really IS an
angel (in a rather embarrassing predicament, I might add). While
you may want us to think of the period from Halloween until the
end of December as Christmas, I've got another name for it.
Autumn. I like that one better. It sounds less coated in
consumer bullshit, see? You're trying to devour all the other
holidays like some misshapen, evil blob. And I see your sinister
plan. Eventually, when you've wrapped back around over the whole
year, EVERY day will be Christmas, and we'll have to "shop till
we drop" 365 days a year! But then, when will we find the time
to work to make the money to shop? Aha! And with that conundrum,
our economy, nay our very society, will collapse, and anarchy
and cannibalism and badly costumed candy-seekers will reign!
Whether you (I'm talking to you guys again, talking to Christmas
isn't healthy) prefer to think of it as a celebration of the
birth of Christ, or a day to revel in the spirit of giving, or
just simply laundry day, I think most of us can agree that the
holiday has gotten out of control. It's mutated into a gigantic,
hideous creature, kind of like that guy at the end of "Akira".
Yeah, that's what Christmas looks like. I used to love December
when I was a kid, because I saw so much good everywhere in the
world when I would go outside. I think instead what I saw was a
big wrapped box under the Christmas tree that was hopefully a
new G.I. JOE base or vehicle to play with, and that kind of
biased my eyesight a little bit. I'll tell you what I see now. I
see more bickering, fighting, anger, and selfishness this time
of year than I ever see any other time. I see people actually
beating each other up for little plastic toys, because by god,
if they don't get their kid the new PokèFurbaDigiTubby, little
Sally is going to know that Mommy and Daddy don't really love
her (even though Santa is supposed to bring the toys anyway, so
that doesn't make any sense). Go to a store in the middle of
December, and you'll see pushing and shoving all over the place.
Oh sure, the Christmas spirit of generosity is alive and well,
it just applies to MY friends and family. So if you're a perfect
stranger, fuck you! Get out of my way! I've got shopping to do!
That's the only "Christmas spirit" I see these days.
An actual photo of Christmas last year.
So all you crazy religious fanatics who think Halloween is
"evil", take a look at your own most precious holiday. Because
the way I see it, Christmas has far more "evil" surrounding it
than Halloween ever has or will. And I don't mean to neglect
Hanukkah or Kwanza or Boxing Day or Sit On the Shitter and
Regret All That Pumpkin Pie You Ate the Day Before Day, it's
just that I don't know that much about them. If I did, I'm sure
I'd be plenty pissed off about those too. So anyway, I've got to
go, I've got some...uhh...shopping to do. But I swear, I'm only
going because it provides me a socially acceptable opportunity
to knock over old ladies and topple entire product displays onto
note: Protoclown dressed up as
Santa one Christmas Eve and went from door to door demanding
presents, but he ended up having a Christmas tree star shoved
where a Christmas tree star should not be.