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CRAPPY HOLIDAYS
by: Protoclown

Once again the winter holiday season creeps up on us like a foul slug, and I find myself a growing tempest of weak and ineffectual rage with every passing day. Things weren't so bad when I was a kid. Christmas was Christmas, Thanksgiving was Thanksgiving, and Hanukkah was what that kid down the street who was allergic to milk celebrated. But now everything's gone and gotten muddled all to hell. I can't tell which is which anymore. Do we put the tree with all the stupid ornaments up for Thanksgiving? Is Christmas the one where kids come and ask for candy and we stuff them in the chimney to teach them a lesson? I can't recall. The lines have gotten blurred, the meanings are lost.

I remember Halloween was the best holiday ever when I was a kid. It was a huge event in my neighborhood, EVERYONE came out trick or treating, and a lot of us stayed out until 9 or 10pm. Two years ago, about five trick or treaters came to my apartment. Last year? NONE. Not a single one. I thought there was a knock on the door at one point, but it was just that damn tumbleweed banging into the side of the building again. Luckily RoG, myself, and several other 20-somethings went out trick or treating ourselves to keep the spirit alive. Though there WAS a lot of tricking and treating going on downtown where we sought our candy, I was disturbed to see that a good deal of the participants were older, like us. And a lot of children were handing us candy! How bassackwards is that??

And I've been hearing more and more talk about how it's the "devil's holiday" than I ever did when I was a kid. Is that why hardly anybody does it anymore? Are they afraid of going to hell? Over CANDY?? Yes, Mrs. Smith, your son Timmy has a special cell in hell reserved for him. And it's right next to ADOLF HITLER'S. All because he went out on Halloween dressed in one of those really crappy frock costumes with a picture of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on the front of it or something. And then, he had the gall to ask people for candy. At worst, dressing up in a crappy costume like that warrants an asskicking, but that's all I'll grant you. A life-sentence in hell? I think not. Although who knows, maybe those religious fanatics are right. Perhaps it's all part of some sinister plan of the devil's, to recruit an army of badly costumed candy eaters. If such a terrible force was ever assembled, it would certainly spell doom for all that's good in the universe.

And then there's Thanksgiving. I mean, I appreciate having the day off work as much as the next guy, but can you think of a more boring holiday? I mean, besides Arbor Day. That doesn't count. Shouldn't we be thankful for what we have EVERY day? And isn't a day where you sit around watching football (as you are apparently supposed to do) and gorge yourself on enough food to feed a small nation the LAST thing this country of fatty fat fatties needs? I mean, do we REALLY need to go through the motions of stuffing our faces year after year just to honor history? I'm sure the Indians we betrayed and slaughtered into oblivion will understand if we say "Hey. Let's not have seven helpings and four slices of four different pies for dessert this year. Because we're already fucking fat." Unless you live on an ancient Indian burial ground, of course. In that case, you'd better eat like you're training for a pie eating contest, or else you will face their phantasmal vengeance from beyond the grave!

And now, my nemesis. Hey, Christmas. Who the hell do you think you are? Seriously. First you started showing up around Thanksgiving, and that was bad enough. Because your music? It really sucks. And hearing it for an entire month? Well that sucks even more. But then you decided to try to get sneaky and start showing up in malls the day after Halloween. But I'm wise to your game, pal. I saw that gigantic fucking Christmas tree in the food court that's so tall the angel on the top really IS an angel (in a rather embarrassing predicament, I might add). While you may want us to think of the period from Halloween until the end of December as Christmas, I've got another name for it. Autumn. I like that one better. It sounds less coated in consumer bullshit, see? You're trying to devour all the other holidays like some misshapen, evil blob. And I see your sinister plan. Eventually, when you've wrapped back around over the whole year, EVERY day will be Christmas, and we'll have to "shop till we drop" 365 days a year! But then, when will we find the time to work to make the money to shop? Aha! And with that conundrum, our economy, nay our very society, will collapse, and anarchy and cannibalism and badly costumed candy-seekers will reign!

Whether you (I'm talking to you guys again, talking to Christmas isn't healthy) prefer to think of it as a celebration of the birth of Christ, or a day to revel in the spirit of giving, or just simply laundry day, I think most of us can agree that the holiday has gotten out of control. It's mutated into a gigantic, hideous creature, kind of like that guy at the end of "Akira". Yeah, that's what Christmas looks like. I used to love December when I was a kid, because I saw so much good everywhere in the world when I would go outside. I think instead what I saw was a big wrapped box under the Christmas tree that was hopefully a new G.I. JOE base or vehicle to play with, and that kind of biased my eyesight a little bit. I'll tell you what I see now. I see more bickering, fighting, anger, and selfishness this time of year than I ever see any other time. I see people actually beating each other up for little plastic toys, because by god, if they don't get their kid the new PokèFurbaDigiTubby, little Sally is going to know that Mommy and Daddy don't really love her (even though Santa is supposed to bring the toys anyway, so that doesn't make any sense). Go to a store in the middle of December, and you'll see pushing and shoving all over the place. Oh sure, the Christmas spirit of generosity is alive and well, it just applies to MY friends and family. So if you're a perfect stranger, fuck you! Get out of my way! I've got shopping to do! That's the only "Christmas spirit" I see these days.

HO HO HO!
An actual photo of Christmas last year.

So all you crazy religious fanatics who think Halloween is "evil", take a look at your own most precious holiday. Because the way I see it, Christmas has far more "evil" surrounding it than Halloween ever has or will. And I don't mean to neglect Hanukkah or Kwanza or Boxing Day or Sit On the Shitter and Regret All That Pumpkin Pie You Ate the Day Before Day, it's just that I don't know that much about them. If I did, I'm sure I'd be plenty pissed off about those too. So anyway, I've got to go, I've got some...uhh...shopping to do. But I swear, I'm only going because it provides me a socially acceptable opportunity to knock over old ladies and topple entire product displays onto small children.

note: Protoclown dressed up as Santa one Christmas Eve and went from door to door demanding presents, but he ended up having a Christmas tree star shoved where a Christmas tree star should not be.


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