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by: Protoclown

Heya, kids! Protoclown here, and today weíre going to talk about cursing! Wonít that be fucking fun? I cannot figure out for the life of me why everybody always gets their panties in a bunch over these so-called "potty words". Theyíre just words like anything else, and damn it all, theyíre just plain fun to say! Words like shit, fuck, and all their naughty ilk almost always either roll or ooze right off the tongue with ease!

Iíve been incorporating these words into my daily vocabulary for years, but itís recently been brought to my attention that perhaps certain curse words pour from my mouth more often than useful words such as the and and. When I submitted my last rant to Visionary Darkness about the neon headlights, Mr. Mockery made a comment to me about the volume of cursing contained within. I looked back at it and was surprised to discover that the word fuck (or variations there of) appeared in my rant no less than about twenty times (or about an average of three times a paragraph). As Mr. Mockery pointed out to me, thatís a bit fucking much. So I trimmed a great many of the fucking fucks from my rant, and it is STILL overloaded with the fucking things. But enough of this fucking shit, on with the rant.

His point was that by having the word fuck (the mother of them all!) in the article too many times, it took away from the quality of the whole, and made it much weaker than it could have been. This is true, and I think that these words perhaps ARE used a little too freely, and often. Not to say that we should tone them down because of their offensive qualities, however! No, not at all! Iím just starting to think that perhaps we should only start trotting them out (the big guns anyway) for the more special occasions. 

Cursing can also show great love and adoration.

What are we to do in the meantime, you ask? Well, Iím glad you asked, because I happen to have the answer right here! We can still offend away to our heartís content, but we should just do it more creatively. We need to challenge ourselves a bit more, thatís all. Far be it from me to suggest that any of us should stop being the curse and bane to every mother out there. 

One of my favorite ways to continue offending without cursing is by using suggestive language involving the sexual organs of long dead gods from long dead mythologies. For example, the next time you find yourself surprised, instead of saying "Holy shit!" you can say "By the gargantuan nutsack of Thor!" It particularly helps if you say it around families with small children. The next time you stub your toe, instead of saying "Oh fuck!" you can say "Great multitudinous throbbing nads of Cthulhu, that really hurt!" 

I promise you, youíll be getting those same old angry looks from everyone around you in no time. By the hefty hanging tits of Aphrodite, what fun! And not a bit of cursing involved! If somebody complains, you can give them shit for oppressing your religion. And then you sue them for lots of money. Best to burn yourself with a hot pickle, and blame it on them. The jury will buy it, and youíll soon be buying all sorts of things on your way to the bank with your big fat check. 

It will be hard to remember to do this, I know, but this is where the challenge is involved. I still find myself yelling out things like "son of a fuck!" when I hurt myself or calling my computer a "worthless sack of shit" as I kick it into submission after it decides to piss me off. And you will too, for a while. But youíll also soon find that life takes on a certain richness when you find yourself thinking constantly of dead godsí sexual organs. The rewards are well worth the strange looks and beatings you will endure. Trust me on this one, you fucking dirty shitfuckers. 

note: Protoclown fucking believes in the importance of spreading fucking holiday cheer. So, in the spirit of the fucking holidays: Fuck you! 

note #2: -RoG- prefers to say more mature things like like "You're a big jerk!" and "I don't like you, big meanie!" and "You smell like Doodoo!" rather than "fuck you, you fucking truckload of ass leeches!"

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