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by: Killing Joke

Being unemployed, I'm forced to live without cable television and all I have to say is this. Man, daytime television really does suck now! It's just one hundred percent unadulterated boring crap these days. Hell, the stuff on TV during the day even spoils the good name of crap! It's just boooooooooooring! I mean it used to be nothing but talk shows, but at least that was somewhat of a diversion from reality of some sorts with such topics as "Satanic Nazi Alien Hooker Driving School Teachers Who Are Obsessed With Bananas and Decided to Have Butt Implants," but those golden days are now gone from us.

Now we have the Jenny Jones show, let us all rejoice! Oh yes, how wonderful, has anyone else noticed THAT EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN episode is about makeovers? Why is it that they keep doing the same freaking episode over and over again? Why do they bother doing it in the first place? Why not keep the ugly ass trailer trash the way the are? So I can laugh at them! I find mullets, bad teeth, dorky looking Goth people, and morbidly obese people in revealing clothing to be rather entertaining. It's a whole lot like rubbernecking at a traffic accident: you know it's horrific and disgusting but you just HAVE to look. The carnage is just so captivating to look at; it's almost hypnotizing. It's like natures own little homemade freak show! But you ever notice after they are "changed," they all look exactly the same? That's no fun! Maybe it's just me, but I tend to find the shallow end of the gene pool, the most fun to play in. The Jerry Springer show used to be that entertaining, but after they have been pretty much castrated by society today. Sure, the show sucked, but at least brainless slack jawed yokels beating the hell out of each other amused me greatly. Now every single episode is some derivational phrase on, "Honey, you know that I love you, but I'm cheating on you," over and over again. Gee real fun there!. 

Time to change the channel! <click>

What's even worse are the "sensitive" talk shows where people come on to talk to some psychiatrist and work out their problems. How wonderfully P.C. can you get? Talk shows are supposed to be CRUEL and PAINFUL! Which is a perfect metaphor of life, which is also extremely CRUEL and PAINFUL. No one cares about Oprah finding her fucking spirit or having some doctor telling some ingrate that their mommy and daddy didn't like you very much when they were a child. Geez, if I knew my kid was going to go on national television and whine to some doctor odds are I wouldn't like them much either! I hate these talk show doctors with a passion, why can't they all be tossed into a gigantic pit of nitric acid where their bodies will slowly decompose into a pile of gelatinous goo? I think it'd be doing the world a favor, it really would be! Even though she isn't a shrink, Oprah can go first. Oh, what a wonderful day it would be!

What is the hell is going on with America's obsession with these "court-based" television shows now? There are something like five new court based shows coming out this fall. I mean, come on people!!! No one likes going to court in the first place...it's not what you could call a fun experience. So why the hell would you want to watch it on TV? Who would find watching some withered geriatric woman yell at someone the least bit interesting? Not to mention, it's always about the stupidest stuff like, "you kicked my dog!". What fun is in that? It's goddamned boring! I mean if you have to have some court-based shows, why don't you have it on criminals that do more interesting crimes. Like about a guy shoots five jocks with explosive tipped bullets in a fraternity house and then promptly scoops out their eyeballs with a spatula? Not to mention give him a half an hour trial (with commercial breaks) and then having Judge Judy be the executioner at the end by impaling him with a pickax? (on live television, naturally). Now that is something I'd be more inclined to watch. Hell I'd video tape that!

But nope, we are in a more in politically correct era now, where no one has any  balls whatsoever and our once wonderful daytime television is suffering because of it. It truly is sad to see something go bad so quickly, it's almost like watching a monkey infected with gonorrhea kill himself with a can a Cheese-Whiz. I think it's about time we rally our forces together and end this horrible atrocity that is bad daytime television. I think a revolution can be started here! Nah...that takes too much energy, maybe it's about time for me to get cable, so I can get on with my life!

(note: after this article was written, the author finally decided to get cable, and was last seen hugging the TV and screaming "finally! I have found freedom with Gilligan's Island and Beverly Hills 90210!!!" His whereabouts are now unknown)

(note #2: -RoG- sure hopes that his friend Killing Joke isn't watching 90210... -RoG- just might have to shoot him if that's the case.)

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