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DISTANCE EQUALS RATE TIMES TIME
by: Protoclown

I hate travel. Or more precisely, I hate the distances that exist which require us to travel to get from point A to point B. The traveling itself isn't that bad, it's the time and pain-in-the-ass factor involved that make things annoying. 

I just had a wonderful friend come to visit this past weekend, and now she's gone back home, hundreds of miles away. Now, I could always go and visit her sometime, but it's not exactly the kind of thing you just up and do. It's not like I could "drop by after work" or anything. It would require some planning ahead. 

You would think that with as far as we've come technologically, we could do better than we have in terms of propulsion advancements. I'm only allowed to drive my car 65mph in most states and gas costs anywhere from $1.30 - $2.00 a gallon? Shit, I may as well just load up a pack mule! At least I don't have to pay for gas! I just have to stop and let him eat garbage on the road every once in a while. And if you set fire to his ass, I guarantee you he can move somewhere between 15-30mph. Taking into account that you can go off-road and travel in pretty much a straight line, I think it might even end up being faster than a car.

Then there's airplanes, which involve all sorts of waiting and delays and getting off of one big metal bird and onto another one, traveling out of your way to reach a connecting flight, lost luggage, security hassles (they don't seem thrilled with my rabid ferret collection that I take everywhere I go), etc. Why bother with all that kind of crap? At the price I'm paying for a ticket, I expect to have a private flight on a jet made of solid gold. But such is never my luck. 

Trains? Not much better. The bottom line is that I'm severely unimpressed with today's array of traveling options. There has GOT to be a better way to get around then what we have now. Shit, if we can go to the fucking MOON I should be able to get to the other half of the country faster then any flights right now will take me. 

It occurs to me that instantaneous travel should be possible by now. And I think it's already been achieved. You know the sort of thing I'm talking about here. Like the transporter beams in Star Trek or Jeff Goldblum's invention in "The Fly" that allowed him to traverse a small room in mere minutes (after hooking up all the connections, pressing buttons, etc...what a timesaver!). 

So why don't we know about this technology, you ask? Why isn't it made available in every home, or at least in large public areas where they can charge exorbitant fees? Well, remember what happened in the movie "The Fly"? Goldblum gets in his teleporter while there's a fly already in there, and the machine meshes together the fly DNA with his own when it's reassembling the molecules into the other teleportation pod. He turns into a big mutant freak, half-fly, half-man, ALL bad actor. Thus we see the inherent dangers in such a device. 

So WHY don't we know about this transporter technology? Oh, we do, I say! We do! The evidence is right there in front of you: Michael Jackson. Think about it. If anybody's freaky enough or weird enough to purchase the prototype of such a machine, it's him. You know he bought that thing in the mid-80's and set it up so he could get from upstairs to downstairs without sliding down his fireman's pole. I'm dead certain of it. 

He attempted to make the trip from his bedroom to the foyer one day and tragedy struck. His DNA was combined with that of something else! Think about it. He used to be a black man, but now he's like some freakish bleached zombie! Have you SEEN this guy lately? What did he combine his molecules with? A skeleton? An albino prepubescent liaison spending a weekend at the house? A sno-cone? Perhaps we'll never know. But rest assured, that man HAS the technology. He's just not sharing it with the rest of us. Which is probably just as well, considering we'd have a whole world of freakish mutant hybrids on our hands. Hrmmm. Makes me wonder if perhaps West Virginia doesn't have this technology too...

note: Protoclown currently uses a pogostick as his sole means of travel.

note #2: -RoG- is still waiting for those "flying cars" they've been promising for so many years.


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