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DRIVING
by: -RoG-

So I'm going down the highway around 1 in the afternoon because I have a class at 2pm. Why am I on the highway? Because I would rather do a 1-hour commute everyday from my home in Richmond rather than suffer yet another night in the yuppie hell-hole called The College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, VA. Now, I haven't had a speeding ticket in about 2 years, so I guess I was due, but it still bites to have to pay so much money on a mere speeding ticket. See, if people couldn't drive safely at high speeds they wouldn't, but the fact is we can, so those of us who aren't paranoid do so. In fact, I think the only people who make up the laws that say "give this guy a ticket if he goes so fast" are those who are rich enough to be able to afford such outrageous fines. So this cop pulls me over, after a guy had just sped by me at a much higher speed, but I guess he pulled me over since I had stickers on my car that said "all people suck" and "I consume meat" and "keep in tune with murder". I'm sure Mr. Cop thought that not only could he fill his ticket quota, but he probably stumbled onto a druggie or whatever. So I scope him out in my rearview mirror and see his lips moving as he reads the stickers on the back of my car.

Now it was so hard not to laugh because I knew I was so fucked and had no chance of weaseling my way out of the ticket when I saw him doing this. So he puts on his hat and gets out of the car. Can anybody explain the hat thing to me? Cops always put on their hat when they get out of the car, but they take it off when they are in it. I guess they think it's a sign of authority that intimidates us law-breakers. Personally, I just think it makes them look really stupid. So I see him walking towards the car and I notice in my side mirror that he has the shiniest shoes on earth. Cops should make their hats look like that, or even better, their entire uniform shiny! "Look up in the sky it's a bird, it's a plane....NO! It's Raver cop!" So he asks for the license and registration and while I'm trying to find them he goes to the back of my car to see the stickers again. Then I hand the stuff to him and he tells me "Well Mr. Mockery, I clocked you at 82 in a 65 zone which is reckless driving since it's over 80mph, so I'm gonna go write up a summons for you." I just nodded because I was too tempted to make fun of his mountee hat and that would have just got me in deeper trouble. Did any of you ever watch WWF wrestling where they had that Canadian mountee guy who would always yell "I am da' mounteeeee!!!!!" beating up people all the time? He was funny as hell even though he was no Rowdy Roddy Piper. Ok, anyway, back to my story. The cop gets back in his car, off goes the hat, and he starts writing the ticket up. Cops must think that we don't see them take off their hat in our mirrors or something. All I was doing was staring directly at him and I think he knew it cuz he got that ticket written up faster than any other one I've gotten and he didn't lecture me or anything which was a shock. Still it took him 5 to 10 minutes to write up the ticket, but honestly, I think he was just practicing writing his ABC's in his seat. Normally I would be pretty pissed off about getting a ticket, but this time it wasn't so bad and I'll explain why in a little bit.

Anyway, the cop puts the hat on again, steps out of the car, glances at my stickers again, and then walks up to me. "Mr. Mockery, how much do you weigh?" This totally confused me, and although I responded with my real weight I was thinking in my head "What the hell is this guy doing?!?" I thought he was filling out my coroners slip because he was going to shoot me and add the weight of his bullets to my actual weight on the slip. Maybe he was just training to be one of those freaky circus guys that can guess the weight of the singer of Blues Traveler to the exact pound. It turns out their computer had me weighing at 180 which is way off and I guess he could tell that just by looking at me. I'd have to make quite a few trips to Burger King to gain that much weight. Then he asks me why I was driving so fast, and I should have just said "because I felt like it" or "I'm sick of driving behind slow-driving paranoid jack-asses like yourself officer." But, again, I restrained myself and made up a b.s. story about being late for class as if that would really get me off the hook.

So he hands me the ticket and tells me my court date, that is in a county that I've never even heard of, which I would never go to anyway since I was guilty of the atrocity of going 17 miles over the speed limit. So why whine to a judge about it when you can just call the number on the ticket, get your fine, and mail in the check to these bastards. That's just what I've always done when I've gotten a speeding ticket. Sure, it sucks that a guy was driving 90 mph and went flying by me at the same time the cop turned on his lights, but there's no way I can tell that to a judge and think I could get off it. So, why wasn't I so angry about this ticket? Well, I was already having a really bad week with school stressing me out and the parents contributing their share of grief to lay upon me, so this was no surprise at all really. On top of that, and this is ironic as hell; I had just borrowed a Henry Rollins spoken word tape and anybody who has heard him knows how much he hates cops. I had been listening to it on the highway and wisely turned the radio off when the cop pulled me over. Cuz when I turned my car back on, it was at one of the parts where Henry said something about "putting graffiti in GOOD places instead of walls, like on a cop!" and he described how he would spray the words "I hate you" on this "pig" and I couldn't help but smirk and fantasize about shoving the empty spray can into the anal cavity of the law officer who brought yours truly to "justice".

I also got to smile again after I got out of class later that day. That's a record: 2 smiles in one day! I saw a cop drive by me and he was picking his nose while driving his pork-mobile. Ah, I must admit that I felt great when I saw that. I just thought to myself, "You know, you cops may write me the occasional speeding ticket, but I'm still better than you. hahahaha." Anyway, by the time you have read this I will be locked up in jail, so let me at least thank you for wasting your time by reading this little article.

Hey Cop, I got something here for ya!
Maybe I'll be lucky and have
a box of these with me next time!


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