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by: Max Burbank

On a fine Sunday Morning in Spring, you’ll wake up and find brightly colored baskets full of treats in the living room. Later you’ll hunt for plastic eggs filled with chocolates and hair ribbons and toys. Later your father will hide in the garage and furtively gnaw the giant solid chocolate rabbit that came last week via UPS addressed to you, sucking pilfered nip bottles of Jaegermeister and counting his grievances. Who’s responsible for these fanciful delights? The Easter Bunny! But who is this Marvelous Hare and where did he come from? And what in the world does he have to do with the holiday for which he is named, apart from shielding you kids from the bloodthirsty horror of the real story, much the way Santa masks the tragedy of a child of God born to be sacrificed and the tooth fairy keeps you from dwelling overmuch on the sore bleeding hole in your jaw.

The Easter Bunny wasn’t always the Easter Bunny! Oh, my, no. He was born long before all that and was known for much of his young life as a loud mouthed Jew Bunny. Oh he had a lot of opinions on a lot of subjects like how rich people would never get into heaven, how prostitutes and tax collectors were better company than most pious folk and how throwing stones at an adulterous woman until she died was almost always naughty. That skinny little Jew Bunny had so many thoughts like that in his lop eared head they just came streaming out either side of his unsightly, huge, buck teeth! To make matters worse, he was making his fellow Jew Bunnies uppity. Naturally all the other animals hated him and wanted him to shut up.

"You know," said the Woodchuck, "It’s bad enough those Bunnies control Hollywood, the Media and the World Bank, but you let them get all fluffed up and political, next thing you know they’ll... well, they’ll... uh... do some damn Bunny thing we all won’t like, that’s for sure."

"No shit!" said the Duck, "I friggin’ hate them God Damn friggin’ Bunny frigs! I got a friggin’ pipe bomb and a friggin’ hate site on the friggin’ world wide friggin’ web wit that god damn friggin’ Jew Bunny’s name on it!"

"Well," said the Bear, "it pains me to say it, but I think we’ll have to do something about this Bunny problem."

"Them friggin’ god damn friggin’ Bunnies is up to their cotton tails with the Friggin’ ATF!" quacked the Duck maniacally. "Janet Reno’s a friggin secret Bunny!"

"I think we need to make a lesson of this Bunny," said the endangered Eastern Speckled Snail Darter.

"ARGH!" shrieked the Duck, frothing at the beak and tumbling onto the dusty desert ground in some sort of mild seizure, "The U.N. is controlling our thoughts! They’re drugging the friggin’ toaster waffles!"

So, children, to make a long story short, the animals found the loud mouth Jew Bunny and killed him, publicly, slowly, and in a particularly gruesome though totally legal state sponsored execution. However bad you imagine it was, it was quite a bit worse, but it’s all right and there’s no need to feel bad about the Bunny’s excruciating pain and suffering, because three days later he came back to life. After that no one saw or heard much of the bunny until many years later he was found hopping down the Bunny trail distributing painted hard boiled eggs.

"Say," said the Star Nosed Mole "Ain’t you that Jew Bunny? The one with all them opinions?"

"Good Christ, no!" lied the terrified Rabbit, thankful the Mole’s eyesight was unreliable. "A rabbit could get killed for that kind of thing. I just give out candy!"

So remember the lesson of the Easter Bunny children. People like a nice chocolate a hell of a lot better than hearing what you think. And if you have a rabbit of your own one day, remember, while they may give out eggs, they don’t lay them. So for the last time, stay away from the cage. Those aren’t Raisinettes.

note: Max is speaking from experience when he tells you to stay away from those Raisinettes. 

We recently received a letter from a concerned reader about this piece that was written by Max Burbank. Here's the letter this person wrote:

Name:........... Harlan
E-Mail:......... Harlan5000@aol.com 

this is a comment about the easter bunny story. What kind of fucked up anti-semitic bastard wrote that? "Kill the jew bunny?" What in the hell is wrong with him? I am a jew, and I feel that that story is racist, not only that, it is written poorly. If one is going to submit a story for thousands of people to see, it should at least have fewer than five typos and spelling errors. What was the moral of the stroy, its hidden message? was it, "kill all of the jewish  people out there?" if so, maybe I should write a story about the thousands of  shtucked up smucks who write complete shit like that. Thank you for time and  have a nice day....

Harlan, there's one lil' problem with your complaint about Max Burbank's "jew bunny" piece...


p.s.: What's a "stroy"? You shouldn't send emails complaining about supposed spelling errors of Max's when you have some of your own right there, bub.

And Max Burbank also has something to say:


I'd like to say I'm sorry I offended you, but obviously I'm not, or I'd never write the sort of material I do. Honestly, and I mean this in all friendship, I'm rather glad. You had a strong reaction. My work may not be done, but certainly it's begun. As my editor was kind enough to point out, I'm a Jew. You've helped me realize a life goal here, joining the ranks of Philip Roth and Gerald Shapiro, author of "Bad Jews and Other Stories" as a Jew who is 'bad for the Jews'. In my gentle fable, the Jew Bunny is standing in for Jesus, a radical Rabbi who was executed for being a... well, a loud mouthed Jew Bunny. I must also insist that typos and and spelling errors can't really be judged as poor writing unless your referring to the exclusively physical act of touching my fingers to the keyboard and not the material itself. Those are the province of my editor, the Nazi Bastard. The moral of the story is 'When Jews don't keep their heads low, historically speaking they often end up getting killed." or , as it says right there at the end, 'So remember the lesson of the Easter Bunny children. People like a nice chocolate a hell of a lot better than hearing what you think.'. It's a little like what my Father once told me was God's message. "Kill anyone different than you." In closing I want to thank you for your heartfelt reaction. I have not enjoyed a response so much since Joyce Kulhawik, arts and entertainment anchor for WBZ-TV4 News in Boston said of my performance as an Ebeneezer Scrooge tormented by Christmas Ghosts because he's Jewish "It would have been offensive if it weren't so just plain stupid".

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