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by: Max Burbank

Arrrgh and ahoy, me maties! Shiver me timbers, but Pirates certainly are popular these days! More popular then ever I'd say, with this weeks release of Disney theme park ride inspired franchise blockbuster "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End"! And it's no wonder they be so popular! Arrrrrrgh, what's not to like about a cultural subset composed of seafaring, thieving, hygiene impaired, murderous, omnisexual rapists?

Oh, did you not know now, that's what Pirates be? The real ones, anyway. It's easy enough to get all fluttery over a heavily mascara-ed Johnny Depp, and who doesn't want to have sex with Kiera Knightly? Lord knows I do. Oh, wait, Orlando Bloom probably doesn't, on account of him being so completely, overtly gay that the very thought of a woman's reproductive organs gives him hives. Wake up, millions of twelve year old girls! Never gonna happen! Whereas my chances with Ms. Knightly, while astronomically unlikely, are still theoretically possible. HAH! Wish you were me, millions of twelve year old girls! I defeat you again.

My point, though, is that it takes a real man's man to hero worship actual historical pirates. Allow me to demonstrate with the following series of short biographical sketches.


"Arrr, soon me own face will be burnin'!"

AKA Edward Teach, Edward Thatch, Edward Drummond. Born in Bristol England around 1680, he served in the royal navy during the War of Spanish Succession. When the war ended, loathe to give up setting other people's ships on fire, he turned to piracy. Known for the fearsome and reasonably stupid practice of shoving burning cannon wicks in his hair and beard, The legendary Pirate king commanded a small fleet of vessels from the decks of the forty gun "Queen Anne's Revenge" a slang term of the day for Syphillis.

After an extended Plundering of the Bahamas, he moved on to the Carolinas. But Good ever triumphs over Evil, as the highly civilized Royal Navy proved when the hunted him down, killed him, sawed off his head, mounted it on their bowsprit and sailed into Williamsburgh harbor, where seagulls almost certainly pecked out and ate the eyes from his severed, lifeless noggin.


"Nothing goes better with Bach's Fourth Cantata in G Minor than whipping a naked sailor to pieces and dangling him by a rope into shark infested waters while screwin' a monkey."

Navigator under famed Pirate Howell Davis, Captain of "The Princess", Roberts assumed command after Davis succumbed to a severe case of giving a Pirate ship a really gay name. During his four-year reign of terror, 'Black Bart' looted and sank nearly 400 ships. A man of many contradictions, though he dressed well, employed classical musicians as part of his crew, and never attacked on the Sabath, he was extremely fond of torturing people to death and had a scandalous May/December romance with the Governor of Virginia's Wife's pet monkey, Mister Skibbles.

At the height of his career he commanded 500 men, but his luck ran out in 1722. During a fierce battle with the HMS "Swallow" he was fatally distracted by considering the many hilarious scenarios that might have led the Queens Royal Navy to overlook what an outrageously homosexual name "Swallow" was for a ship belonging to a country already famous for buggery on the high seas.


"Arrrr, see how the author don't mention we're Muslims to avoid playin' into racist stereotypes, arrrrrrr."

Aruj, Khier ed-Din, Isaak and Zeppo, were all born in the 1470's on the Greek Island of Lesbos. Make your own cheap jokes, it's a matter of historical fact. Taking the name 'Barbarosa' a word which apparently means 'Red Beard' in some language, they grew beards and dyed them red so the name wouldn't seem weird.

Aruj, a former slave, worked out his issues by enlisting his brothers in the systematic terrorization of the Agean Sea. He went on to become Sultan of Algiers in the traditional fashion, killing the Sultan of Algiers. The Spanish Navy hunted down and killed Aruj, but were disappointed to find entire Navies ineligible for Sultanship under Algerian law, a job which now fell to the next eldest brother Khier ed-Din. Isaak, known as 'The Quiet One' had no interest in politics and contented himself with finding people on ships, taking all their stuff, killing them, violating them, setting them on fire and throwing them in the ocean, often in that order. Little is known of Zeppo, save that the youngest Barbarossa was considered handsome and appeared in only the first few films.


Even this parrot is ashamed of itself.

From 1648 52, the 'Leggy Terror of the Tortuga's' commanded the dreaded 'Midnight Emission' inspiring fear, terror, frightenedness and furtive shamefaced hurried masturbation by unpleasant men and boys even to this day. Long thought to be mere legend, it turns out she totally was. I mean, come on. Seriously.


"Arrrr, I needs a job. I ain't been seen in commercials since the early seventies!"

"The Gentleman Pirate of New Orleans", "The Corsair," "The Buccaneer," "The King of Barataria," "The Terror of the Gulf," "The Pirate With The Most Nicknames". At three separate times, U.S. presidents have condemned, exonerated and again condemned his actions, making him the George Tennet of his day. Infamous for his brutal piracy in the gulf of Mexico, revered for his heroism in the Battle of New Orleans, he is mostly remembered today as the basis for Jean LaFoote, the French, barefoot, Crunchberry thieving arch enemy of Cap'n Crunch.


(Note to self: Come up with real funny 'poop deck' joke before posting article)

Legendary for brutality, cunning, and the skillful, dexterous, mastery of his wiener. Believed to be J.M. Barrie's inspiration for 'Captain Hook' and the actual author of the "Man from Nantucket" poem.


"Ship ahoy, I think!"

Not really very famous, but MAN what a name!


"Beep. Boop. Pieces of eight. Boop. Arrgh, me matey. Beep."

Okay, I made this last one up.

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

The Thirteen Stages Of Eating At Golden Corral

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