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Arrrgh and ahoy,
me maties! Shiver me timbers, but Pirates certainly are popular
these days! More popular then ever I'd say, with this weeks
release of Disney theme park ride inspired franchise blockbuster
"Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End"! And it's no
wonder they be so popular! Arrrrrrgh, what's not to like about a
cultural subset composed of seafaring, thieving, hygiene
impaired, murderous, omnisexual rapists?
Oh, did you not know now, that's what Pirates be? The real ones,
anyway. It's easy enough to get all fluttery over a heavily
mascara-ed Johnny Depp, and who doesn't want to have sex with
Kiera Knightly? Lord knows I do. Oh, wait, Orlando Bloom
probably doesn't, on account of him being so completely, overtly
gay that the very thought of a woman's reproductive organs gives
him hives. Wake up, millions of twelve year old girls! Never
gonna happen! Whereas my chances with Ms. Knightly, while
astronomically unlikely, are still theoretically possible. HAH!
Wish you were me, millions of twelve year old girls! I defeat
you again.
My point, though, is that it takes a real man's man to hero
worship actual historical pirates. Allow me to demonstrate with
the following series of short biographical sketches.
BLACKBEARD
"Arrr, soon me own face will be burnin'!"
AKA Edward Teach,
Edward Thatch, Edward Drummond. Born in Bristol England around
1680, he served in the royal navy during the War of Spanish
Succession. When the war ended, loathe to give up setting other
people's ships on fire, he turned to piracy. Known for the
fearsome and reasonably stupid practice of shoving burning
cannon wicks in his hair and beard, The legendary Pirate king
commanded a small fleet of vessels from the decks of the forty
gun "Queen Anne's Revenge" a slang term of the day for Syphillis.
After an extended
Plundering of the Bahamas, he moved on to the Carolinas. But
Good ever triumphs over Evil, as the highly civilized Royal Navy
proved when the hunted him down, killed him, sawed off his head,
mounted it on their bowsprit and sailed into Williamsburgh
harbor, where seagulls almost certainly pecked out and ate the
eyes from his severed, lifeless noggin.
JOHN BARTHOLOMEW
'BLACK BART' ROBERTS
"Nothing goes better with Bach's Fourth Cantata in G Minor
than whipping a naked sailor to pieces and dangling him by a
rope into shark infested waters while screwin' a monkey."
Navigator under
famed Pirate Howell Davis, Captain of "The Princess", Roberts
assumed command after Davis succumbed to a severe case of giving
a Pirate ship a really gay name. During his four-year reign of
terror, 'Black Bart' looted and sank nearly 400 ships. A man of
many contradictions, though he dressed well, employed classical
musicians as part of his crew, and never attacked on the Sabath,
he was extremely fond of torturing people to death and had a
scandalous May/December romance with the Governor of Virginia's
Wife's pet monkey, Mister Skibbles.
At the height of
his career he commanded 500 men, but his luck ran out in 1722.
During a fierce battle with the HMS "Swallow" he was fatally
distracted by considering the many hilarious scenarios that
might have led the Queens Royal Navy to overlook what an
outrageously homosexual name "Swallow" was for a ship belonging
to a country already famous for buggery on the high seas.
THE BARBAROSSA
BROTHERS
"Arrrr, see how the author don't mention we're Muslims to
avoid playin' into racist stereotypes, arrrrrrr."
Aruj, Khier
ed-Din, Isaak and Zeppo, were all born in the 1470's on the
Greek Island of Lesbos. Make your own cheap jokes, it's a matter
of historical fact. Taking the name 'Barbarosa' a word which
apparently means 'Red Beard' in some language, they grew beards
and dyed them red so the name wouldn't seem weird.
Aruj, a former
slave, worked out his issues by enlisting his brothers in the
systematic terrorization of the Agean Sea. He went on to become
Sultan of Algiers in the traditional fashion, killing the Sultan
of Algiers. The Spanish Navy hunted down and killed Aruj, but
were disappointed to find entire Navies ineligible for
Sultanship under Algerian law, a job which now fell to the next
eldest brother Khier ed-Din. Isaak, known as 'The Quiet One' had
no interest in politics and contented himself with finding
people on ships, taking all their stuff, killing them, violating
them, setting them on fire and throwing them in the ocean, often
in that order. Little is known of Zeppo, save that the youngest
Barbarossa was considered handsome and appeared in only the first
few films.
LARGE BREASTED
BOSSOMS MCGEE,
THE SEXY GIRL PIRATE QUEEN
Even this parrot is ashamed of itself.
From 1648 – 52,
the 'Leggy Terror of the Tortuga's' commanded the dreaded
'Midnight Emission' inspiring fear, terror, frightenedness and
furtive shamefaced hurried masturbation by unpleasant men and
boys even to this day. Long thought to be mere legend, it turns
out she totally was. I mean, come on. Seriously.
JEAN LAFITTE
"Arrrr, I needs a job. I ain't been seen in commercials since
the early seventies!"
"The Gentleman
Pirate of New Orleans", "The Corsair," "The Buccaneer," "The
King of Barataria," "The Terror of the Gulf," "The Pirate With
The Most Nicknames". At three separate times, U.S. presidents
have condemned, exonerated and again condemned his actions,
making him the George Tennet of his day. Infamous for his brutal
piracy in the gulf of Mexico, revered for his heroism in the
Battle of New Orleans, he is mostly remembered today as the
basis for Jean LaFoote, the French, barefoot, Crunchberry
thieving arch enemy of Cap'n Crunch.
EDWARD "FAIRY
LIPS" WILSON
(Note to self: Come up with real funny 'poop deck' joke
before posting article)
Legendary for
brutality, cunning, and the skillful, dexterous, mastery of his
wiener. Believed to be J.M. Barrie's inspiration for 'Captain
Hook' and the actual author of the "Man from Nantucket" poem.
OLD, BLIND
ONE-TESTICLE HOOK-HANDED PETE,
THE HIGHLY UNRELIABLE HELMSMAN
"Ship ahoy, I think!"
Not really very
famous, but MAN what a name!
BLACK HENRY 'SINKS
LIKE A STONE' CARVER, THE
ROBOT PIRATE SCOURGE OF THE SEVEN SEAS
FROM
THE FUTURE.
"Beep. Boop. Pieces of eight. Boop. Arrgh, me matey.
Beep."
Okay, I made this
last one up.
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:
The Thirteen Stages Of Eating At Golden Corral
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