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FANCY CARS
by: -RoG-

It is well known that I am a guy that hates cars. They've been a constant source of stress and anger in my life ever since I started driving at the age of 16 (that's years, not months you freaks). If the car isn't breaking down on me or needing an $800 repair just to pass inspection, it's getting towed or parking tickets or flat tires or herpes. Ok well scratch that last one, but you get the idea.

First off, I generally stick with used cars that are within the $800 - $2000 price range... fairly cheap older cars. I prefer Volkswagen Golfs and Volkswagen Rabbits from the 80s. They've got a decent amount of space, the gas mileage is good, and they're cheap. Of course, when you have to replace a clutch (I refuse to drive automatic) it costs about a grand. This, naturally, makes me think to myself, "Are you sure you need a car and just can't jog 20 miles to work every day?" Then I kick my own ass for thinking such a stupid thing. But still, in general they're decent cars and they'll get you from point A to point B at least a few times before they explode. What more could you ask for?

Which brings me to the topic at hand... Fancy Cars. Why the hell would anybody want to buy a fancy/new car? Some people say, "I bought my car brand new because I don't want to have to make any repairs on it." WAKE UP! Any car you buy is going to have repairs (like it or not). My parents and friends have bought nice new cars and they've probably had more repairs on them than I have on any of the crappy cars I've owned. Plus, every repair on nice new cars like that cost more than the yearly gross of some small nations. Add that fee on top of the monthly payments you're probably making just to pay the damned thing off.

And what's it all for? Well, for many people, it's a way to show-off and "pick up da' ladies". Well ladies, lemme tell you something. Any guy you go out with that has a fancy-schmancy car like that is a) spoiled beyond belief b) a complete loser c) broke or d) all of the above.

I knew a guy that had the most insanely "decked out" car I have probably ever seen. It was a hideous purple and pink colored car. It had huge wheels that stuck out more than the pope at a Cannibal Corpse concert. And worst of all, it had a huge tail on the end of it just to make it more "aerodynamic". Boy, it's good it's so much more aerodynamic... I'm sure that extra speed will come in handy during GRIDLOCK TRAFFIC. And of course, it had one of those stereo systems that had so much bass that it could bring down skyscrapers faster than some well placed dynamite. What does this all add up to? Complete bullshit. Wanna know why?

This guy was my neighbor. One night he comes to my place around midnight. I answer my door because he was banging on it frantically and he has apparently had the living shite kicked out of him. Blood dripping everywhere, apparently his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend beat the hell out of him. But I suspect it was someone who just thought he deserved to be beaten for driving such a stupid looking car. Anyway, we go back to his apartment to speak with the cops that he called, and as he's there explaining his story to them, I look around the place. And ya know something... IT'S COMPLETELY EMPTY! VOID! NADA! VACANT! He's got a TV set and a bed in there and that's it! No furniture, no food, no nothing.

That's right folks, the stupid bastard spent so much of his money on his car that he couldn't even afford furniture, food, and probably his electric bill. Now I know this is a hasty generalization... I'm sure not ALL people who drive fancy cars live in a virtual cardboard box. But it does make you wonder, eh? Maybe the ladies out there will start looking for the guys that drive that old beat-up car that's had the same spare tire on it for the past 3 months.


The PT Cruiser kinda resembles a hearse because if you put a dent in it, you'll wish you were being driven by one to your final resting place rather than pay
the insanely huge repair bill.


Oooh! A Toyota Spyder! Vroom Vroom!
Yeah pal, yer gonna be pushing the speed limits 
with this thing when you're stuck in gridlock traffic.
Keep cars like this on the racetracks where they belong.

Also, with crappy old cars, you can beat the living shit out of them. If you get mad at it, hit it on the roof with a baseball bat or tear some foam chunks out of the seat cushion! It's a crappy car, who cares right!? I beat the hell out of some of my cars and I still sold them for more than I originally paid for them! Well you don't get that luxury when you buy a fancy new car. If you so much as have your grandma sneeze on it, it decreases in value. I've been in PLENTY of "fender benders" (some my fault, some not). Have I had to pay a dime for any of them? Nope. Because they were all in accidents with other cheap cars. When the owners and I talked about what to do about it, we basically agreed, "bah, who gives a shit!". If you have a fancy car, chances are your blood pressure will skyrocket and you'll consider whoring off your significant other just to be able to pay the repair fees from a measly fender bender.

So next time you think about buying that car that "I can pay off in only 10 years!", do yourself a favor and consider buying an older used car. Sure it may not have that extra drink holder than you can't do without, or that airbag that is more likely to kill you than save you... but it will save you plenty. It will save you some very important things. Money. Respect. And most importantly... Your Sanity.

note: -RoG- is currently considering buying a "Big Wheel" (preferably the Knight Rider look-a-like one from the 80s) and driving that to work from now on.


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