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A LITTLE FREE FLOATING HOSTILITY
by: Max Burbank

You are such a Wad.

No, honestly, you are. Look at you. I mean, you know, not that Iím not glad to see you and all? But JESUS. Jee. Zus.

"What did I do"? "What did I do?" Now thereís a Wad question, Wadly. What did you do? Well, now, let me see, what did you do? Well, for openers, youíre a gigantic Wad. Thatís a starting point. And from there youíve gone straight on to being a humongous Wad and then, later? You were still a Wad and you put on this hat type thing that on top of it had a Wad.

Okay, yes, sure, youíre right, I am, I am in a bad mood, I am, maybe itís me, things have been stressful, I think weíve all had a pretty bad week here, you could be right except for one, tiny little detail youíre missing, which is that youíre wrong, it isnít me, Iím good, itís you, and this just in, breaking news, youíre a Wad.

So, listen, listen, I tell you what. Okay? How about you bite my ass? No, sincerely, how about it, Wad? No, no, wait, hereís what instead. How about you take a damn NUMBER and get in LINE to bite my ass, what about THAT, Mr. High-and-Mighty-WAD? WHAT... ABOUT... THAT! How about you get down to the registry of Motor vehicles and wait in line for a friggin' MONTH and when you get to the desk you tell them youíre there to bite my ass and they can tell you you WAITED IN THE WRONG GOD DAMN LINE!! And then look me up and bite my ass. Ass biter.

Oh, yes, Buddy. Oh yes. You can take that to the bank. You can take that ass biting to the bank and you can endorse it and deposit it and get compound frigginí interest on it, because me? Iím not kidding around here. Thatís the thing. I am so totally serious with you here. I mean, I am in no mood. No mood at all, Waddy. Capice?

YOU FRIGGIN' WAD!
YOU = WAD

Look, donít be stupid, okay? Iím begging here. Can you for an instant here not be such a stupid moron, can you not just close your mouth, can you breathe trough your nose as God intended instead of standing there like a god damn CAVEMAN with your MOUTH HANGING OPEN? I mean, Sweet Jesus, okay? Sweet weeping Jesus, can you just for a second pretend to be a Non Wad? Because you know whoís had it? Me. Iíve had it. No lie. I have had it wholesale Chumly. And there is NO going back. Back? Oh no. The border to back has been shut down. It is riddled with checkpoints. Riddled. Thereís pretty much of an Iron Curtain between you and Back. 

Oh, look, look, look, no, listen, see? Donít even. Donít EVEN! All I hear when I see your jaw start moving is a mosquito, a mosquito, a mosquito right outside my ear, OKAY? And all I want to do? Slap it. Just. SLAP it. So donít even. Because letís take a little vote here, raise your hands if you donít want to hear it, OH, LOOK! LOOK AT MY HAND! WHERE IS IT? Up. It seems to be up. All evidence points to my hand being what? Up.

Okay. Okay now. Letís breathe. Are we seeing eye to eye here? Are we on the same page? Wad? Can we do that? I mean, you know, I think a Monkey could get where Iím coming from here, Iím pretty sure a baby Monkey could catch my drift here, Iím fairly certain a BABY frigginí MONKEY not even WEENED yet could register for UNDERSTANDING ME 101, OKAY? I mean, what, do I need to ENGRAVE this for you, because I can do that, the yellow pages are chock full of qualified engravers if thatís what you need, I can get on the internet and enter the word ĎEngraversí into any number of search engines if need be, if thatís what it takes to get through to you Iím willing and ready and able to do it. No shit. No. SHIT. Comprende Vous? 

Oh, wait, I know, do you want me to bark it for you, Wad? In dog language? You speak-ee Doggie? WOOF! WOOF! Ah-WOOO WOO WOOO, rrrrrr WOOF! Gimmee your paw, WAD! Give me your PAW! 

Okay. Okay. Maybe that was a little strong. But, and I say this in all friendship, Iíve had it just about up to here with you, my bag is just about bursting from all the you in it, any more you in my bag? And BANG! BANGOLA! Know what I mean? I think you do. And Iím your best friend. Wad.

So, what, weíre going for drinks, right? What you mean, ĎI donít knowí, shut up, you frigginí sorry excuse for a Wad, it was a hypothetical question, oh, excuse me, I donít mean to haul out a big word and frighten you or anything, let me put it in an idiom youíre more comfortable with. ĎDe cards doní lie, dey know da fyoo-cha! Dey see ya buyiní my beers ahl evniní! AHL EVNINí ĎTILL DA FRIGGINí COWS COME HOME! Cahl me NOW!"

Hey! Hey, where are you going? Whereís he going?

Jesus. What a total pussy.

Do you think it was something I said?

note: Max Burbank needs to take a cold shower. Unfortunately, he believes that cold showers are only for "Wads".


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