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You are such a Wad.
No, honestly, you are. Look at you. I mean, you know, not that I’m not
glad to see you and all? But JESUS. Jee. Zus.
"What did I do"? "What did I do?" Now there’s a Wad
question, Wadly. What did you do? Well, now, let me see, what did you do? Well, for
openers, you’re a gigantic Wad. That’s a starting point. And from there
you’ve gone straight on to being a humongous Wad and then, later?
You were still a Wad and you put on this hat type thing that on top of it
had a Wad.
Okay, yes, sure, you’re right, I am, I am in a bad mood,
I am, maybe it’s me, things have been stressful, I think we’ve all had a pretty bad
week here, you could be right except for one, tiny little detail you’re
missing, which is that you’re wrong, it isn’t me, I’m good, it’s you,
and this just in, breaking news, you’re a Wad.
So, listen, listen, I tell you what. Okay? How about you
bite my ass? No, sincerely, how about it, Wad? No, no, wait, here’s what instead. How
about you take a damn NUMBER and get in LINE to bite my ass, what about
THAT, Mr. High-and-Mighty-WAD? WHAT... ABOUT... THAT! How about you get down
to the registry of Motor vehicles and wait in line for a friggin' MONTH
and when you get to the desk you tell them you’re there to bite my ass
and they can tell you you WAITED IN THE WRONG GOD DAMN LINE!! And
then look me up and bite my ass. Ass biter.
Oh, yes, Buddy. Oh yes. You can take that to the bank.
You can take that ass biting to the bank and you can endorse it and deposit it and get
compound friggin’ interest on it, because me? I’m not kidding around
here. That’s the thing. I am so totally serious with you here.
I mean, I am in no mood. No mood at all, Waddy. Capice?
YOU
= WAD
Look, don’t be stupid, okay? I’m begging here. Can you
for an instant here not be such a stupid moron, can you not just close your mouth, can
you breathe trough your nose as God intended instead of standing there
like a god damn CAVEMAN with your MOUTH HANGING OPEN? I mean, Sweet
Jesus, okay? Sweet weeping Jesus, can you just for a second pretend to
be a Non Wad? Because you know who’s had it? Me. I’ve had it. No lie. I
have had it wholesale Chumly. And there is NO going back. Back? Oh no.
The border to back has been shut down. It is riddled with checkpoints.
Riddled. There’s pretty much of an Iron Curtain between you and Back.
Oh, look, look, look, no, listen, see? Don’t even. Don’t
EVEN! All I hear when I see your jaw start moving is a mosquito, a mosquito, a
mosquito right outside my ear, OKAY? And all I want to do? Slap it.
Just. SLAP it. So don’t even. Because let’s take a little vote here,
raise your hands if you don’t want to hear it, OH, LOOK! LOOK AT MY
HAND! WHERE IS IT? Up. It seems to be up. All evidence points to my hand
being what? Up.
Okay. Okay now. Let’s breathe. Are we seeing eye to eye
here? Are we on the same page? Wad? Can we do that? I mean, you know, I think a Monkey
could get where I’m coming from here, I’m pretty sure a baby Monkey
could catch my drift here, I’m fairly certain a BABY friggin’
MONKEY not even WEENED yet could register for UNDERSTANDING ME 101, OKAY? I mean,
what, do I need to ENGRAVE this for you, because I can do that, the
yellow pages are chock full of qualified engravers if that’s what you
need, I can get on the internet and enter the word ‘Engravers’ into any
number of search engines if need be, if that’s what it takes to get
through to you I’m willing and ready and able to do it. No shit. No.
SHIT. Comprende Vous?
Oh, wait, I know, do you want me to bark it for you,
Wad? In dog language? You speak-ee Doggie? WOOF! WOOF! Ah-WOOO WOO WOOO, rrrrrr
WOOF! Gimmee your paw, WAD! Give me your PAW!
Okay. Okay. Maybe that was a little strong. But, and I
say this in all friendship, I’ve had it just about up to here with you, my bag is just
about bursting from all the you in it, any more you in my bag? And BANG!
BANGOLA! Know what I mean? I think you do. And I’m your best friend.
Wad.
So, what, we’re going for drinks, right? What you mean,
‘I don’t know’, shut up, you friggin’ sorry excuse for a
Wad, it was a hypothetical question, oh, excuse me, I don’t mean to haul out a big word and
frighten you or anything, let me put it in an idiom you’re more
comfortable with. ‘De cards don’ lie, dey know da fyoo-cha! Dey see ya
buyin’ my beers ahl evnin’! AHL EVNIN’ ‘TILL DA FRIGGIN’ COWS COME HOME!
Cahl me NOW!"
Hey! Hey, where are you going? Where’s he going?
Jesus. What a total pussy.
Do you think it was something I said?
note:
Max Burbank needs to take a cold shower. Unfortunately, he
believes that cold showers are only for "Wads".
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