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by: Protoclown

I want you to imagine something for me. Imagine going to a restaurant, some kind of burger joint, and asking the waiter or waitress for french fries with your big greasy hamburger. Now imagine the waiter looking aghast at what you just said, and replying in a huff “I’m sorry, but we only serve FREEDOM FRIES here!” Now if you’re anything like me, the next thing you’ll imagine is yourself lunging over the table and beating the waiter to a bloody pulp while screaming “I’VE GOT YOUR FREEDOM FRIES RIGHT HERE, BITCH!” Sadly, the lack of such incidents being reported in the news tells me that there aren’t many people out there who think like me.

Although most of you would probably not immediately act on your psychotic impulse to attack the waiter, I’m sure that I’m not alone in being utterly and dismally disgusted over the stupidity shown by a good portion of Americans lately. Several restaurants (including the House of Representatives cafeteria) have decided to change their menu items french fries and french toast to “freedom fries” and “freedom toast”. Good call, guys! Taking food that has NOTHING TO DO WITH FRANCE and changing the name is really going to give them what for! That’ll teach them to thumb their noses at us! They’ll DEFINITELY agree with our big stupid idea of going to war with Iraq now, right after they finish going home and sobbing into their berets, that is!

And of course you’ve heard all the other possible name changes too, by now. Like freedom kissing, freedom doors, freedom braids, freedom ticklers, and my personal favorite (though not the most inane by any stretch) FREEDOM ONION SOUP.

But here’s some news that’s hot off the press you may not have heard yet. The American Neo-Nazi movement is apparently also quite offended by the fact that Germany doesn’t seem too interested in backing Warmonger Bush either. So they’ve decided they need to remove all anti-American German references from their beliefs. Basing these revisions on the name-changes that we made during World War I (sauerkraut was renamed “liberty cabbage” and dachshunds were “liberty dogs”, but the best has got to be “liberty measles” instead of German measles), they’ve decided to rename themselves Neo-Libertarians. And of course, they also had to change the name of the most heinously horrible man of the 20th century who inspired their misguided ways, because, well, let’s face it, it just sounds German (pssst! even though he wasn’t). Can you really think of the name Adolf Hitler without immediately conjuring up images of Nazi Germany? Hell, we don’t want that! Not right now. All German references should be covered up with the American veil of ignorant pseudo-patriotism! That’s why the Neo-Libertarians have changed Hitler’s name to CAPTAIN LIBERTY!!! Why, they sound really patriotic now! They sound like superheroes even! Doesn’t that just sound like a comic book? “Captain Liberty and the Libertarians!” Only in America, my friends! Only in America!


Now I know what you’re probably thinking after you’ve taken some time to digest this name change. The Libertarian political party probably isn’t going to like this very much. After all, this is liable to cause all sorts of confusion as to the identities of both of these groups. However, when you think about the fact that the Neo-Libertarians are removing all their references to Germany in an act of loving American patriotism, I’m sure Libertarians will be more than happy to accept their name change with open arms.

Then of course there’s Russia, who doesn’t really want to support us either. I’m not sure how many Russian references remain in our language after the Cold War, but I have heard rumors that vodka might just be renamed to “Justice Liquor” to keep up with these latest patriotic themes.

As long as we’re making astonishingly stupid changes, I would also suggest that we go ahead and change the names of these countries on all maps as well. The last thing we need is for kids in school to be learning geography involving disagreeable names like France, Germany, and Russia. So naturally, the new maps would change these county’s names to the more acceptable “Freedomland”, “Libertania”, and “Justiceland”, respectively. Those names truly capture the disgust and disapproval that should be invoked when we think about them. Speaking of disgust, the first time I hear someone use the phrase “freedom fries” in a sentence and actually mean it, I am going to punch them in the face.


note: Protoclown advises that no one actually try to DO what the title of the article suggests. Performing sexual acts with freedom fries is not only disgusting, but just plain wrong. You should only use french fries for that.

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