The future may be hard to imagine for the children of
today. Everything’s so modern and up to date! Internet, Digital Cable
Television, Microwave burritos, Paxil, ‘Techno music’! It’s dazzling and
who can say where we’ll go from here? I imagine my grandpaw must have
felt the same way, what with Jet travel, Man on the Moon and the
shameful degrading spectacle of Nixon. Not his resignation, mind you,
just Nixon. You know, doing that existing thing he did? If you’re too
young to remember Nixon just think of him as Ronald Reagan, but meaner,
shorter, uglier, smarter and purposefully evil as opposed to defacto
evil by dint of stupidity, early onset Alzheimer’s and Nancy.
Still, hard to imagine or not, the future is coming and
nothing we can do will stop it! So hang on, buckle up and enjoy getting run over by...
In the future, busy on the go folk can eat a dinner pill
and wash it down with an ice cold, electrically stimulated memory of spring water!
In the Future, all the TV you could possibly want will
play on the inside of your eyelids twenty four hours a day, seven days a week!
In the Future, all Christmas carols will be "Jingle
Bells" and will play all year long! All religions will be replaced by a hologram of Santa on
Ho Ho Hooooooooo my this
really fucking hurts!
In the Future, acts of terrorism will be ‘virtual’! Lie
down! A ‘car Bomb’ just went off next to you!
In the future, the President of the world will be an
artificial commingling of the brain stems of Nobel Prize winning scientists,
economists and Wink Martindale!
In the Future, vast ecologic collapse will reduce the
human race by 82%! The rest of us will live in burnt out RV’s and beat each other with
sticks when we get hungry or bored!
In the Future anyone can have sex whenever they want,
just by pressing their sex button!
In the Future there will be no more racism or
intolerance because everyone will be filled with murderous hatred for everyone else just
because of who they are! But don’t worry! ‘Victory Milk’ keeps you calm
enough to keep from screaming!
In the Future, anyone who wants a game boy can just take
one for free right off the Game Boy stack!
In the Future, everyone will have a Clone of themselves
for blood transfusions, organ transplants and skin grafts, and everyone will get a
set of those earphones they use at airports so they don’t have to hear
their Clone shrieking through the walls of it’s Clone Closet!
In the future, Aliens will use astounding technology to
travel to Earth from all over the galaxy and eat us!
In the future, your McColostomy will come with a side of
fries, a choice of anesthesia and a toy!
In the Future all news will be supplied personally by a
tiny, genetically engineered Dan Rather clinging to our privates and shouting
through a megaphone!
In the Future, Dogs and Cats will develop opposable
thumbs and a rudimentary intelligence, allowing them to perform the manual labor we
now use immigrants for about a month! Then they rise up and slaughter
In the Future, Goldfish will be mandatory!
In the Future, there will be theme parks where you can
meet robot simulations of indigenous people and give them Smallpox!
In the Future, Nascar, Championship Bowling and Baseball
will be combined in to a single sport! Participants will be chosen by
involuntary compulsory lottery!
In the Future, it will be against the law to part your
hair in the middle, wear ‘mutton chops’ or say ‘okey-doke'.
In the Future, ‘The Internet’ will seem quaint and old
fashioned. Instead, all information will be forbidden.
In the future, when you sneeze, instead of saying
‘Gezunteit’ or ‘God Bless you’ people will point at you and make that ‘EEEEEEEEE’ sound from
‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’.
In the Future, dinosaurs will come back. When we ask
what happened to them, they’ll pretend not to hear us.
In the Future, some children will have non functional
wings and small, useless front claws, but be able to sing whole operas in a single breath
out a blow hole on the back of their neck. We will call them ‘Chubbies’
and make them wear green, one piece jump suits with name tags.
In the future, the phrase ‘what’s up?’ will be replaced
by ‘Twist ‘em, Mickey.’!
In the Future, the Bible will be forgotten, but people
will make frequent literary reference to the complete works of
In the Future, ‘Take Out Chicken’ will be all we eat,
but it will be made from Seaweed, Shaving Cream and Human Waste.
In the future everyone will be happy all the time
because of the Joy wire laced into their skull at birth.
In the Future when you’re done living, all you have to
do is say "Jane, shut this crazy thing off."
note: In the future you'll
realize that while you were reading this piece, Max Burbank
robbed your house and now he's living it up in Hawaii.
note #2: In the future, I-Mockery.com
will become the most visited site on the web... thus proving
that hell did indeed freeze over.