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Get Rich Quick!
by: Dr. Boogie

According to my research, the average I-Mockery reader makes less than $250,000 a year. This was shocking to me. As both a populist comedy writer and an extremely wealthy businessman with his own private island, I realize that my time has come to give back to the community that has given me so much already, and who continue to give to me in the form of fan mail, cash donations, and spa packages. I present to you, the beloved reader, a short list of get-rich-quick schemes ideas that I guarantee will probably get you a lot of money maybe really quick unless it doesn't in which case I don't.

Idea #1: Become a political pundit

I'm told that in times past, politicians would put aside their differences in order to do what was best for the country, and not necessarily best for themselves politically. Thankfully, those days have long since passed, and with the advent of cable news, you can make a successful career out of little more than being passionate about something and hating everyone out there that disagrees with you/seeks compromise/is able to refute everything you say as being total bullskite. For starters, you need to pick a political affiliation: Left or Right. It's a purely aesthetic choice that pretty much boils down to how you part your hair. Whichever side you pick, make sure you learn all of that particular party's positions on the key issues of the day, including but not limited to abortion, church and state, immigration, and a potpourri of other issues guaranteed to enflame your constituents. Once you've got those down, go on the attack! Does the opposition favor gay marriage? Say that they won't stop until churches everywhere have to sanction men marrying livestock, and women marrying inanimate objects. Is there a columnist in the local paper saying that you're a little overzealous in your approach? Start a campaign against that columnist, and tell your audience to boycott any paper that carries the column. Are members of your own party claiming that you poison bipartisan debate with your hyperbolic assertions and vitriolic rantings? Call those namby-pambies out and say that they're "[your party] in name only".
Really, anything you can do to draw attention to yourself is going to help you. If possible, you'll want to ratchet up your antagonism whenever you have a new book, TV show, or Pay-Per-View event. Just target someone famous and bring to light some embarrassing event in their life. Once you've done that, assume the moral high ground and condemn them for whatever it is that they did. If you're lucky, said celeb will be looking to generate a little free publicity of his/her own, and will play along for as long as possible. All in all, being a pundit is a great way to make money, and there's no real downside, apart from knowing deep down that you've made a career out of being a petulant, screaming child who's willing to con your loyal followers into believing whatever it is that will benefit you the most financially.

Idea #2: Marry into wealth

If you can't generate any wealth of your own, then you'll have to settle for someone else's wealth instead. Find yourself a well-to-do sugar daddy/mommy, and shackle yourself to them with that most wonderful of all financial institutions: marriage. If you're a woman, you'll probably want to go for an older man. Really older. In fact, the older, the better. Age is going to be the focal point of your relationship; the more feet your hubby has in the grave, the better. The nearer he is to death, the more willing he'll be to part with his fortunes in exchange for a little feigned interest from a member of the opposite sex. The competition in this particular field will be particularly high, however. Before you can secure that wrinkly, ashen cash bag, you'll have to battle your way through a veritable army of gold-diggers and ho-bags. Plus, you'll also have to face the reality that at some point, you'll probably have to... go to the geriatric carnival and ride the wrinkly bone rollercoaster. For this unpleasant task, your solutions range from simply "grin and bare it" (you see what I did there?) to cobbling together a MacGuyver-like contraption made of plastic baggies, a bicycle pump, an electric toothbrush, and some cooking grease. Personally, I recommend getting your significant(ly older) other into autoerotic asphyxiation. This way, you often won't have to lay a hand on your man (a belt on the neck, perhaps, but that's it), and you can play off any "accidents" as real accidents. Don't get me wrong, though; I'm not here to endorse murder. I'm only here to endorse marriage as a way to make a quick buck.

If you're a man, you're going to want to do exactly the opposite. Instead of tying the knot with the most decrepit old crone you can find, you're going to want to find the richest, youngest woman that you can legally marry. This can vary from state to state, so be sure to read up on your marital law before you start. Don't worry if the law makes you into some kind of pedophile. Just bide your time until your sugar mommy, or sugar girlie, or at the very most, sugar fetus, reaches the age of consent. Showering her with cheap compliments and inexpensive gifts is one way to win her affection, but younger women tend to prefer the sort of man who is just as likely to give her a present as he is to give her a reason to make sure her doors and windows are locked at night. You'll want to make yourself not unlike my sister's ex-boyfriend: ill-tempered, self-involved, unkempt, and surrounded by an assortment of colorful characters who may or may not be involved in any number of criminal activities. You should treat your target like crap for a while, and then you should buy her a cheap gift and tell her that she means the world to you. Rinse, and repeat. Soon, you should have a nice on-again off-again romance going, with just enough disapproval from her parents and the general public to keep her totally interested in you despite your behaving like a complete douchebag. Incidentally, you may be tempted to start a career in rap music, and perhaps give yourself a clever new hip hop name. DO NOT go through with this. Nothing good will come of it.

Idea #3: Invent something the world needs

Some of the wealthiest men and women on the planet are people behind some of the most critical inventions of our time. Bill Gates helped spawn the Windows operating system, Ted Turner created Captain Planet, and Noah Webster gave us a book cataloging and defining nearly all of the words and phrases in the English language. If you really want to make some serious scratch, you should come up with something that world really needs, and then patent the hell out of it. Unfortunately, the patenting is the easy part. The problem is that many of the most obvious inventions have already been invented by other inventors. Electricity, refrigeration, high-speed travel, these are some of the categories that have already been pretty well-covered by guys like Thomas Edison and Henry Ford. Don't get me started on Edison, by the way. That guy was a fucking invention HOG!!! I mean, every other day he was yanking the rug out from other some other cash-starved schmuck with his incessant inventing. Hell, I would have been content to just create a single light bulb, but this guy had to invent the light bulb, the phonograph, and the electricity on which they run! Total innovation monger, that guy.

If you can't invent something that the world needs, you should create the need itself. Experts call this "marketing". You see, it doesn't matter if you invent a car that runs on used diapers and produces cool spring water if no one thinks that they need such a thing. Tropical fish, for example, would want a car that produces saltwater instead of freshwater. They are what we in the business would call a "target public" because of their high spending power due in part to all the Spanish treasure galleons sunk during the early 18th century. For them, you would need a slick marketing campaign to introduce them that would turn them on to the idea of driving around on land in a car that was giving off the liquid so close to the kind they need to stay alive. Perhaps a TV campaign that featured a popular fish celebrity appealing to the tough, inner-city fish population by talking about how "funky-fresh" this new "ride" is. I'm kind of getting off track here with the metaphors, but my message remains clear: to make some real money, you'll need to either invent something useful, or invent something and just make it seem useful.

Idea #4: Write a book

By now, you've no doubt accrued a sickening degree of wealth by following my award-nominated money-making ideas. You've turned your life around, and now it seems like you can do no wrong. Everything you touch seems to turn to gold, in a non-literal sort of way. Now, there's only one thing left to do: write a book about it. With all the success you've had, the book will practically write itself. If it doesn't, you can always use some of your obscene wealth to hire a ghostwriter to help you crank out the last hundred pages or so.

Of course, not everyone has the gumption necessary to convert my list into sweet cheddar. If you're still struggling to make ends meet, consider writing your autobiography anyway. Sure, reading the autobiography of someone rich and famous may unlock the key to becoming rich and famous yourself, but there's also a certain draw to stories from the lives of the less fortunate. If nothing else, your life story could help someone else feel better about their crappy life. If your own life is not suitably crappy, however, you'll want to "spice it up" a little. Instead of saying that you ran a lemonade stand when you were eight years old, say that you were serving as a lookout for the neighborhood pusher. Instead of going on and on about how loving and supportive your family was, talk about how sometimes you didn't own a pair of shoes because you had to pawn them to get enough money to buy socks. Instead of regaling your readers with the details of the happiest moment of your life, tell them about the time you had to undergo dental surgery without any anesthesia. However, if someone who knows you decides to inform a major media outlet that you were not a crack baby born sent out onto the mean streets of Detroit, and that you've never been outside of your suburb in rural Illinois, then I'm afraid the clock counting down your fifteen minutes is nearly finished. Deny everything and do your best to disappear into obscurity. Conversely, if your story is so disgustingly manipulative that one of the more shameless television networks decides to give you a spot on some new celeb-reality show. During your tenure, try to cultivate a corny, but campy, character, and with any luck, you'll wind up as a sort of ironic pop culture phenomenon like Chuck Norris, at which point you'll be able to put aside your sordid past with the help of your new exercise machine infomercial money.

Can you believe I'm giving you this kind of information for free? Believe your eyes, my friends, because your days of squatting in the alley like an animal are over, thanks to me. As I mentioned early on, I'd like to think of this as my way of saying "thank you" to you, the readers, for turning me, Dr. Boogie, into the 5th largest economy in the world. I only hope that you'll soon be joining me in the coveted number 6 and 7 spots. 'Til then, I wish you the best of luck in enacting all of my childishly simple money-making programs.

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