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by: -RoG-

"Trust The Gorton's Fisherman" is the company's slogan, but I don't buy it... not for a second. Why should we trust this man whom we have never met? For all we know he has a criminal record and escaped from prison recently. What if his crunchy fish isn't really even fish at all. What if they're crunchy midget cakes, made from real midgets? Would you still trust him then? Let us explore this "trust" that they are asking of innocent consumers like us a bit further.

The Bastard Himself.

They never have an actual photo of him on the box do they? No, they have a drawing of him, as if to hide his identity. Perhaps this is because they're worried that someone will recognize him and remember, "Hey! That's that guy that broke into our house, tied us up, stole our valuables, and pissed on our carpet just for kicks!" And the Gorton's company does even more to hide information about him...

If you go to the www.gorton.com web site you won't find much information on the Gorton's Fisherman himself, just products and of course the slogan, "Trust The Gorton's Fisherman!". BAH! Check out their staff page at: http://www.gortons.com/about/friends_webteam.php 

Notice something missing?

That's right, not a single nugget of information about the oh-so-elusive man. You'd think they'd provide a little history about the guy that they feature in their logo, commercials, and advertisements. But no... just the shady character sketch and a slogan is all they offer. It's all a conspiracy I tell you. They're trying to hide the true identity of this bastard! 

Plus, they have posted information how to "clean" a fish on their site: "First, you will want to at least familiarize yourself with a few essential preparation tools. Fillets, in this country at least, are by far the most popular cut of fish, and are made possible by razor-sharp, highly flexible filleting knives. Unless you're dissecting a whole marlin or tuna, a nine inch blade should do the job. Any large, sharp chef's knife should enable you to cut through bones." Now tell me something... why couldn't that same information be used on a human being? "First you should take hold of the squid's head and pull it from the body" AGAIN, this information could be used on a human being. I'm sure the Gorton's Fisherman uses that information ONLY on FISH right? Yeah whatever you say...

Furthermore, this company has sold millions of dollars worth of Fish. So why the HELL is The Gorton's Fisherman still "The Gorton's Fisherman"??? I mean, by now he should be "The Gorton's Retired and Living It Up In Beverly Hills Guy". But no, he's still "The Gorton's Fisherman". I'm starting to think that the entire thing is a lie. He's never even gone fishing. 

Don't buy into the slogan, DON'T trust the Gorton's Fisherman. And finally, if the above evidence wasn't enough to convince you to stay away from the mysterious man in yellow... I just did a search for "The Gorton's Fisherman" and I came upon this funny little quote: "Trust the GORTON'S fisherman? He scares the hell out of me ever since I saw I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER." -Rogers Cadenhead. For those of you who didn't see the (cruddy) movie, the killer was a guy dressed in yellow fisherman's garb, and he looked EXACTLY like the Gorton's fisherman. Now you know what he's putting in those "crunchy fish sticks" and "grilled fillets": HUMAN BODY PARTS.

Listen up Gorton's supporters, you will NEVER get me to trust the Gorton's Fisherman. I hope you will soon see the light too.

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