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GREAT IDEAS LOOKING FOR A BACKER
by: Max Burbank

From Pet Rocks to Pokemon, from Rubik’s Cube to poorly groomed Boy Bands, from those slimy things you threw against the wall and they sort of gooed their way down to anything with the words "Tommy Hilfigger" written on it, the next inexplicably profitable fad is always just around the corner. How often have you said, "Damn, If I’d thought of bringing back the Scooter first, I’d be sittin’ on a solid gold Crapper right now!" or "Jesus, I could have come up the friggin’ Furby." Of course, the man who invented the Furby is a highly respected Software Engineer with a background in Robotics while you can barely write your name on the ground with a stick, but your point is still well taken. We all toy with wonderful ideas every day, usually at work. All we lack are the start up costs, distribution network, marketing savvy and Lobbyists "The Man" reserves for himself in order to keep people like us as a market for his insipid, mindless, pap.

Face it, your big ideas are going nowhere and this article isn’t for you anyway. If, however, you have no schemes of your own, a cumbersome trust fund or legal settlement burning a hole in your pocket and are a go-getter self-starter type with a real desire to sublimate your will to mine, why then, read on! Below you’ll find just a taste of my creative genius. Believe me, there’s a lot more where these came from, or there will be as soon as you give me the cash I need to quit my job and lie on the couch collecting bed sores!


UNCLE FISH

You know those rubber singing fish you see every where you go these days? Well this is a lot like that, except when you push the button, the fish gives you a really long, highly detailed summary of their last Doctors visit. So far I’ve got ‘Enlarged Prostate Uncle Fish’, ‘Troublesome Goiter Uncle Fish’ and ‘Irritable Bowel Syndrome Uncle Fish’. Plus, it doesn’t have to be a fish. It could easily be a domestic rodent or some sort of monkey.

--->
HARRIS TWEED BONDAGE GEAR’

I think this idea speaks for itself. It’s just a little hard to understand what it’s saying. Considering the extremely wide range of perversion catered to by the Internet, I’d jump on this one right away.


REVERSE TOPIARY

In traditional Topiary, shrubbery is carved into the shape of animals. As the shrubs grow they need to be pruned back to keep their shape. In Reverse Topiary, Large cuts of meat are carved into the shape of bushes. As they decompose, they must be replaced.


JOYFUL FUN JUNK

I guess you’d call this a toy. It has both liquid and solid properties, is mildly phosphorescent and stains most fabrics. What you do with this stuff is pretty much anybody’s guess, but the point is, I know where you can get barrels and barrels of it real cheap if you promise to pick it up in the dead of night.


MR. LIPO

A cheerful, cuddly, vial of real human fat.


CAT HAIRAGAMI

A lot like Hairagami, but for your cat! If you want to fund this one, I’d strongly recommend a partnership with some sort of veterinary pharmaceutical specialist. Or just include big, heavy gloves, industrial clamps and a warning label.


PROMISCUOUS MERMAIDS!

This is really just a plastic jug, a magnifying glass and some dried Brine Shrimp in really hot adult packaging. Important note! For legal reasons the words ‘fanciful depiction’ must appear under drawings of Sea Monkeys with really big hooters.

Well, the balls in your court now. Print out this page, put a check mark next to the idea (or ideas!) you like best and send it back to me with a huge cash wad enclosed. Then wait for your investment to grow, grow, grow. Unless I try out another great idea I had recently which involves a little plastic surgery, a one way airline ticket and the life of a king in a distant, third world country.


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