The holiday season is well under way, and what better way to get
into the spirit of things than to buy up large quantities of
this year's hard-to-find popular items and scalp them for
outrageous prices! At least, that must be the way to get
into the holiday spirit, because I see enough of that happening
all around me. I mean, what's more "Christmassy" than someone
who can afford the luxury of taking time off work and standing
in line for days, having the money to purchase multiple copies
of an expensive item like a Playstation 3, and then selling them
to people who couldn't afford to take the time off work for two
to three times the suggested retail price! That's America, baby!
Santa Claus is American! And so is Jesus!
It really burns my biscuits when I see people buying up rare,
highly sought-after items with the sole purpose of scalping them
for far more than they're worth. Especially around the
holiday season, because then it seems much more like a crime
against humanity rather than a mere annoyance. Just knowing that
some kid out there isn't going to wake up with what he wants
under the Christmas tree because some desperate, greedy college
student ended up selling that item on eBay to another, even more
desperate, pathetic college student who's willing to shell out
two grand just to be able to say he's the first guy on his dorm
hall to have the buggy-as-hell new gaming system. I'm sorry, but
no gaming system is worth that kind of money. Hell, in my book,
no gaming system is worth the suggested retail price of
$500-600. For a game console to cost me that kind of money, the
controller had damn sure better give me a blowjob when I beat
the game. Or hell, every time I hit the "Z" button. And
Tickle-Me-Elmo can tickle my fucking balls while he's at
it if he's gonna cost me 50 bucks.
Here's another Christmas morning scenario for you: "Timmy, Santa
worked very hard scouring eBay to bring you this Playstation 3,
but unfortunately he couldn't bring you any games to play on it.
I know what you're thinking. That's okay, because you'll be able
to play your old PS2 games on it in the meantime, except that
Mommy—I mean, Santa sold, uhh, stole them when he
dropped this off! The bastard! And I know you're feeling weak
now, dear, but Santa had to take your blood too. Santa has
habits. Bad habits."
And hell, it's not just scalpers either. Some actual stores
are charging double what the PS3 is worth, and they're still
moving product like there's no tomorrow. My roommate told me
about some store in Washington DC that was selling 1000 PS3s for
$1200 each at midnight the night they came out. And I’m sure
they sold every last one of the fucking things too. That means
there are a thousand people in DC who need to be garroted with
their controller cord.
Because even worse than the scalpers are the jackasses who will
actually pay those ridiculous prices just to have the
"hot" item they want, what, a full month before you can't
swing a stick in a store without knocking a dozen of them off
the shelf? (I'd advise against actually swinging a stick
in a store and knocking them off the shelf, by the way, because
then you'll have to pay even more than if you bought one from a
scalper. Unless of course you're swinging at Tickle-Me-Elmos,
because then they'd all be writhing and convulsing on the floor
in unison, and that would just be silly). I believe Jesus said
it best in his sermon on the mount, when he declared "Lo,
blessed are those rich enough to buy up all of the bread, and
who then sell that bread to the poor at exorbitant prices,
bending them over and driving the ramrod of capitalism between
their pillowy buttocks. And doomed be those who receiveth the
plunderous ramrod, for they shall be marked as those who have
lain with another man through symbolism, and they shall be
stoned to death, symbolically, but with real rocks."
If those idiots who buy from the scalpers would quit bending
over, lubing up, and posting signs that say "This Way, Scalpers,
To AssFuckFest 2006!", the scalpers wouldn't be able to get away
with it in the first place. So I deem those who offer up their
assholes on a mint-covered pillow to be the bigger
assholes in this equation, by far. Hey parents, you don't need a
PS3 or a Tickle-Me-Elmo to show your kids that you love them.
Hell, they think all that shit comes from Santa Claus, so
they're only going to love THE CORPORATE MACHINE (that's Santa
Claus's robot name) anyway.
There are some people having fun with this whole situation
though, which I approve of wholeheartedly. Take the guy who was
selling a "Custom PS3" on eBay, for instance, composed of a PS1
and a PS2 slapped together with duct tape. Another guy's idea of
a PS3 was three PS1 sold in a bundle. If you’re going to screw
someone out of their money, do it with style!
Here is a pic of the "custom" PS3 that was for sale online.
Though in these situations, the people who were bidding on these
items knew full well ahead of time that they were bidding on a
joke. The people buying the real thing on the other hand are the
butt of a horrible joke that they simply don't get.
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:
Ways to Spice Up Your Holiday Shopping