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by: Protoclown

The holiday season is well under way, and what better way to get into the spirit of things than to buy up large quantities of this year's hard-to-find popular items and scalp them for outrageous prices! At least, that must be the way to get into the holiday spirit, because I see enough of that happening all around me. I mean, what's more "Christmassy" than someone who can afford the luxury of taking time off work and standing in line for days, having the money to purchase multiple copies of an expensive item like a Playstation 3, and then selling them to people who couldn't afford to take the time off work for two to three times the suggested retail price! That's America, baby! Santa Claus is American! And so is Jesus!

It really burns my biscuits when I see people buying up rare, highly sought-after items with the sole purpose of scalping them for far more than they're worth. Especially around the holiday season, because then it seems much more like a crime against humanity rather than a mere annoyance. Just knowing that some kid out there isn't going to wake up with what he wants under the Christmas tree because some desperate, greedy college student ended up selling that item on eBay to another, even more desperate, pathetic college student who's willing to shell out two grand just to be able to say he's the first guy on his dorm hall to have the buggy-as-hell new gaming system. I'm sorry, but no gaming system is worth that kind of money. Hell, in my book, no gaming system is worth the suggested retail price of $500-600. For a game console to cost me that kind of money, the controller had damn sure better give me a blowjob when I beat the game. Or hell, every time I hit the "Z" button. And Tickle-Me-Elmo can tickle my fucking balls while he's at it if he's gonna cost me 50 bucks.

Here's another Christmas morning scenario for you: "Timmy, Santa worked very hard scouring eBay to bring you this Playstation 3, but unfortunately he couldn't bring you any games to play on it. I know what you're thinking. That's okay, because you'll be able to play your old PS2 games on it in the meantime, except that Mommy—I mean, Santa sold, uhh, stole them when he dropped this off! The bastard! And I know you're feeling weak now, dear, but Santa had to take your blood too. Santa has habits. Bad habits."

And hell, it's not just scalpers either. Some actual stores are charging double what the PS3 is worth, and they're still moving product like there's no tomorrow. My roommate told me about some store in Washington DC that was selling 1000 PS3s for $1200 each at midnight the night they came out. And I’m sure they sold every last one of the fucking things too. That means there are a thousand people in DC who need to be garroted with their controller cord.

Because even worse than the scalpers are the jackasses who will actually pay those ridiculous prices just to have the "hot" item they want, what, a full month before you can't swing a stick in a store without knocking a dozen of them off the shelf? (I'd advise against actually swinging a stick in a store and knocking them off the shelf, by the way, because then you'll have to pay even more than if you bought one from a scalper. Unless of course you're swinging at Tickle-Me-Elmos, because then they'd all be writhing and convulsing on the floor in unison, and that would just be silly). I believe Jesus said it best in his sermon on the mount, when he declared "Lo, blessed are those rich enough to buy up all of the bread, and who then sell that bread to the poor at exorbitant prices, bending them over and driving the ramrod of capitalism between their pillowy buttocks. And doomed be those who receiveth the plunderous ramrod, for they shall be marked as those who have lain with another man through symbolism, and they shall be stoned to death, symbolically, but with real rocks."

If those idiots who buy from the scalpers would quit bending over, lubing up, and posting signs that say "This Way, Scalpers, To AssFuckFest 2006!", the scalpers wouldn't be able to get away with it in the first place. So I deem those who offer up their assholes on a mint-covered pillow to be the bigger assholes in this equation, by far. Hey parents, you don't need a PS3 or a Tickle-Me-Elmo to show your kids that you love them. Hell, they think all that shit comes from Santa Claus, so they're only going to love THE CORPORATE MACHINE (that's Santa Claus's robot name) anyway.

There are some people having fun with this whole situation though, which I approve of wholeheartedly. Take the guy who was selling a "Custom PS3" on eBay, for instance, composed of a PS1 and a PS2 slapped together with duct tape. Another guy's idea of a PS3 was three PS1 sold in a bundle. If you’re going to screw someone out of their money, do it with style!

Here is a pic of the "custom" PS3 that was for sale online.

Though in these situations, the people who were bidding on these items knew full well ahead of time that they were bidding on a joke. The people buying the real thing on the other hand are the butt of a horrible joke that they simply don't get.

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Ways to Spice Up Your Holiday Shopping

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