• Bouts of sustained laughter, delivered in person, over the
phone or via email (ha ha ha ha and other typed variants) do not
constitute the lodging of a specific or formal complaint. While
they may be logged in your HRP (Human Resources Profile) it will
not be in connection with our Harassment Policy.
• The term 'legalese' is used to 'humanize' an otherwise
impersonal document. It is intended to convey language required
of and vetted by our legal department. Further insistence by
staff that this term actually means 'bullshit' will result in a
discontinuation of what has to this point been a successful
effort on the part of Human Resources to 'humanize' our
• As stated, our policy is to provide our employees with a
workplace free from harassment. When we say 'including, but not
limited to harassment on the basis of...' and then give a list,
this is not an invitation to endless, open-ended questions.
While we appreciate feedback, anonymous scribbled notes asking
if harassment based on 'smell', 'dorkiness' or 'size of Melons'
are counterproductive and waste time and paper. In addition, we
have handwriting samples and everything on your computer is the
legal property of the company, so just cut it out.
• While we are unable to issue a comprehensive list of all words
that in and of themselves constitute Harassment, we ask that
staff use their best judgment. 'Melons', except when
referencing actual Melons, is a form of Harassment.
• Deliberate attempts to find multiple ways to work the subject
of actual Melons into work related conversation is unethical,
immature and constitutes harassment.
• Snickering over words that do not actually have, but sound as
if they might, a 'dirty' meaning (Lake Titticaka, Titmouse,
Epidermis, Masticate, etc.) does not legally constitute
Harassment but is very, very childish.
• Our Harassment Policy, in either the initial form or in the
draft you will be receiving with your next paycheck should in no
way be construed as a 'how to' document.
• Our lawyers inform us that our dress code does not constitute
institutional harassment of nudists.
• 'Casual' Fridays are just that, 'Casual'. Panting, wolf
whistles, gyration of any kind, groping, grabbing, fondling, the
intentional display of graphic tattoos, written invitations to
or offers of intercourse and 'oiled horseplay' are not
• Harassment serves no legitimate purpose in the context of our
company and negatively impacts moral and productivity. The
excuse "I was just testing to see if (specific employee) would
report me, thereby complying with our Harassment Policy" is
• When lodging a Harassment complaint it is not necessary or
even advisable to use dolls, puppets or marionette theaters in
lieu of a written complaint.
• The use of dolls, puppets or marionette theaters in lieu of a
written complaint, if said complaint is later found to be
unsubstantiated, as in the last several instances since the
issuance of the first draft of our Harassment Policy, will be
construed as Harassment. Though it may often seem otherwise, we
in Human resources are Human too.