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SIGNING THE HARASSMENT POLICY!
by: Max Burbank

Memorandum

To: You!
CC: Everyone else
From: Human Resources

Date: 3/30/2006
Re: Signing the Mandatory Harassment policy


Hello!

This is just an informal memo to each of our employees personally as a 'heads up' that along with your paycheck this period, you'll be receiving a copy of our Harassment Policy, which you'll need to sign and return to us as a condition of your continued employment. We are aware we sent out a Harassment policy with last period's paychecks, but so many great questions came back to us, both formally and informally, we felt (and our lawyers advised) it would be wise to take another 'stab' at it. So, if you have yet to sign and return the first offering of our harassment policy, the good news is, that's no longer grounds for termination! You'll find we've done little 'tweaking' (the word 'coloreds' has been replaced with the more acceptable 'people of color' in the section on water fountain availability, and 'Jewish' is used only as a proper noun) but the basic 'legalese' remains the same. We did, however, feel it might be 'efficacious' to send you all a little 'FAQ' covering some of the most frequently pointed out misunderstandings engendered by our previous forays into the issuing and signage of an official Harassment Policy.

Bouts of sustained laughter, delivered in person, over the phone or via email (ha ha ha ha and other typed variants) do not constitute the lodging of a specific or formal complaint. While they may be logged in your HRP (Human Resources Profile) it will not be in connection with our Harassment Policy.

The term 'legalese' is used to 'humanize' an otherwise impersonal document. It is intended to convey language required of and vetted by our legal department. Further insistence by staff that this term actually means 'bullshit' will result in a discontinuation of what has to this point been a successful effort on the part of Human Resources to 'humanize' our communications.

As stated, our policy is to provide our employees with a workplace free from harassment. When we say 'including, but not limited to harassment on the basis of...' and then give a list, this is not an invitation to endless, open-ended questions. While we appreciate feedback, anonymous scribbled notes asking if harassment based on 'smell', 'dorkiness' or 'size of Melons' are counterproductive and waste time and paper. In addition, we have handwriting samples and everything on your computer is the legal property of the company, so just cut it out.

While we are unable to issue a comprehensive list of all words that in and of themselves constitute Harassment, we ask that staff use their best judgment. 'Melons', except when referencing actual Melons, is a form of Harassment.

Deliberate attempts to find multiple ways to work the subject of actual Melons into work related conversation is unethical, immature and constitutes harassment.

Snickering over words that do not actually have, but sound as if they might, a 'dirty' meaning (Lake Titticaka, Titmouse, Epidermis, Masticate, etc.) does not legally constitute Harassment but is very, very childish.

Our Harassment Policy, in either the initial form or in the draft you will be receiving with your next paycheck should in no way be construed as a 'how to' document.

Our lawyers inform us that our dress code does not constitute institutional harassment of nudists.

'Casual' Fridays are just that, 'Casual'. Panting, wolf whistles, gyration of any kind, groping, grabbing, fondling, the intentional display of graphic tattoos, written invitations to or offers of intercourse and 'oiled horseplay' are not considered 'casual'.

Harassment serves no legitimate purpose in the context of our company and negatively impacts moral and productivity. The excuse "I was just testing to see if (specific employee) would report me, thereby complying with our Harassment Policy" is unacceptable.

When lodging a Harassment complaint it is not necessary or even advisable to use dolls, puppets or marionette theaters in lieu of a written complaint.

The use of dolls, puppets or marionette theaters in lieu of a written complaint, if said complaint is later found to be unsubstantiated, as in the last several instances since the issuance of the first draft of our Harassment Policy, will be construed as Harassment. Though it may often seem otherwise, we in Human resources are Human too.

IMPORTANT NOTE: IF THE PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCES MAKE A DISCUSSION WITH, OR A COMPLAINT TO, YOUR OWN SUPERVISOR INAPPROPRIATE (FOR EXAMPLE THE COMPLAINT INVOLVES YOUR SUPERVISOR ASKING IF YOUR 'MELONS' ARE COMFORTABLE IN THAT SHIRT OR IF YOU'D LIKE TO 'GET MORE CASUAL SEEING AS IT'S FRIDAY AND ALL') YOU SHOULD NOT HESITATE TO BRING YOUR COMPLAINT DIRECTLY TO HUMAN RESOURCES. IF YOUR MANAGER AND HUMAN RESOURCES 'GANG UP' TO HARASS YOU, OUR LEGAL DEPARTMENT ADVISES THAT YOU ARE 'SHIT' OUT OF 'LUCK'.



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