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"The Holidays" is an expression many people use to describe the
period that begins on Thanksgiving day and ends either at
midnight on New Years Eve, or Midnight New Year's day, depending
on if midnight is the beginning of the day or the end of it, a
thing I can never remember and which is totally arbitrary in any
case. While "The Holidays" are recognized as a time of love,
family and renewal, it is also accepted by most that "The
Holidays" can also be a time of depression, anxiety, and
multiple visits to the Emergency Room. We all have fond,
important memories of wonderful holiday moments, but they don't
call the visible marks left behind by horror, trauma and
undercooked Turkey 'Scars' for nothing. So go ahead. Take a look
at my soul. Everyone else does. Sure, people say I'm the life of
the party 'cause I tell a joke or two; although I might be
laughing loud and hearty, deep inside I thinking of ways to make
you pay. You personally. Someone has to. It might just as well
be you, you damn random son of a bitch.
CHRISTMAS, 1967
We are Jews, but not in the religious sense. More in the sense
that if a new Nazi party were ever to arise in America, chances
are it wouldn't matter much to them that we rarely if ever
mentioned God in my home. We celebrate Christmas, because that's
when we are out of school and Christmas is in many ways, a
secular, American holiday. Santa did not die on any cross, my
father explains. I have no earthly idea what he is talking
about, but it makes me uneasy. We do not have a Christmas tree,
or decorations. You have to draw the line somewhere and that
line is drawn by my parents firmly where things seem to become a
hassle. Christmas morning my Mother descends the stairs in a
tattered stained bathrobe, the first cigarette of the day
already dangling from the corner of her mouth. She is carrying a
wicker laundry basket of presents for my brother and me. My
father is at the hospital seeing patients, something he
volunteers for every year so the Christian doctors can be home
with their kids. My brother suggests we wait for my father to
come home before we open any presents, an idea I hate, as he
will probably not be home until late afternoon, but agree with
anyway. "Suit yourself," says my mom, which I don't think she
would have said if any of the gifts was a puppy.
HANUKAH, 1968
I am onstage, alone in a spotlight, holding a menorah. I have
been called to explain Hanukah to the school during the assembly
directly before we are released for the Christmas Vacation.
Hanukah is something I myself had scant knowledge of three days
ago, and in the intervening time I have learned little. It has
something to do with oil burning for a far longer time than is
physically possible, which we symbolize by burning a series of
candles over the course of several days all of which we let burn
out, which makes no sense. In addition, apparently during this
holiday, Jews teach their children to gamble, which suggests
some of the unpleasant things the other children believe about
Jews may be true. I need to go to the bathroom very, very, very
badly, which is unfortunate, as it's quite clear I will be on
the stage in this spotlight for the rest of eternity, probably
because I am bad.
THANKSGIVING 1972
My mother and I stand in the kitchen. Our dog, Frodo, the gayest
name the early seventies ever gave a dog, is on the kitchen
table straddling about three quarters of a disturbingly mauled
roast Turkey. The look of guilt in her eyes is the most real
thing I have ever observed in my ten years on the planet. My
mother shoes the dog off the table and calmly begins to carve
what remains of the bird. "If you tell anyone," she says around
her cigarette "I'll certainly kill you."
CHANUKAH 1973
It occurs to me for the very first time that standing up in
front of the school and explaining Chanukah at the Christmas
Break assembly is probably not any sort of legal requirement. I
ask my Mother if I have to, and she says "no". I tell my teacher
I'm not going to do it anymore and she says "Okay". On the off
chance that some sort of crossed wires prevented the Principal
from knowing that I would no longer be explaining Chanukah, I
make a special trip and tell him. He says "fine". I sit in the
audience, waiting to see who my replacement will be. In fact, no
one explains Chanukah to the children this year.
NEW YEARS EVE 1973/74
I have determined that this year I will stay up to see the New
Year in. I am asleep by 8:45, a full half-hour before my usual
bedtime.
THANKSGIVING 1974
About a third of the way through the meal, I take a quick
bathroom break. Before returning to the table, I put a ping-pong
ball into my mouth. No one notices my silence or that I have
stopped eating during the fifteen minutes I patiently wait to
distance myself from my bathroom break. Then, during a brief
lull in conversation, I push the ping-pong ball out of my mouth.
The utter silence is broken only by the sound the ping-pong ball
makes each time it hits the table, until it finally lands in the
gravy boat. A few of my relatives thought it was as funny as I
did. The really drunk ones.
CHANUKAH 1975
Frankie Silverman explains Chanukah during the assembly directly
before we are released for Christmas Break. I cannot believe how
much I hate him.
CHRISTMAS 1975
I wanted a denim Jacket and Adidas. My father informed me that
desiring status symbols was bad enough, but getting them would
make me an 'enemy of the people'. He may well have been kidding,
but I got a copy of 'Lord of the Rings'.
THANKSGIVING 1976
We begin an annual tradition of having Thanksgiving dinner at my
Aunt and Uncles house. They are perhaps the only truly
fabulously wealthy people I will ever meet. They live in a house
designed by a well-known modern architect from whom they must
obtain written permission before they purchase anything that
could change the appearance of the house. This includes
furniture, towels, and framed artwork. While there are many
pictures of their children, all have been taken by well-known
photographers. My Aunt and Uncle, a 'tightly wound' couple with
'issues' are well known for boozy, vicious stories about their
friends, a supernatural ability to lower room temperature with
their eyes and candied yams.
CHRISTMAS 1978
I have set myself a willpower goal. When I open my last present,
no matter what or how much I have received, I WILL NOT allow a
voice in my head to say "What, that's all?" As I open my last
present, a voice in my head says "What, is that all?"
NEW YEARS 1978/79
We are at a charming hotel in Vermont. During the course of the
New Year's Eve party my parents attended, an elderly friend of
theirs fell out the back of a local farmer's pick-up truck. The
details are sketchy, but it involved some fairly large amounts
of liquor, a punctured and collapsed lung and a trip to the
emergency room. Consequently, my parents returned to the hotel
around 5am. My brother and I rose at 6am, and proceeded to
spend the next sixteen hours sitting in the lobby waiting for
them to wake up. My new year's resolution was that next year I
would spend New Year's Eve with other teens, some of whom would
be girls.
NEW YEARS 1979/80
There are no girls at this party.
THANKSGIVING 1981
This is the first Thanksgiving since my Aunt's therapist advised
she never, under any circumstances, speak with or think of my
Father ever, ever, ever again - an event he greeted with a
profound lack of interest. I will miss the candied yams.
NEW YEARS 1982/83
No amount of Liquor can alter the fact that there are no girls
at this party.
NEW YEARS 1983/84
Now a college student, there are finally girls at the party I attend.
I'm kidding, I'm home on break and I spend New Year's alone.
Some alignment of the planets seems to have made me completely
immune to booze, no matter how much I consume. This only deepens
the mystery when at 3:00 in the morning I am discovered by my
father singing the choral section of "Carmina Burana" into our
toilet. We agree that the acoustics are uncommonly good.
THANKSGIVING 1986
The holidays are a difficult time to lose weight.
THANKSGIVING 1988
The holidays are a difficult time to cut down on the binge
drinking.
THANKSGIVING 1989
Someone should really tell you that once you take up crack it's
really, really hard habit to break.
THANKSGIVING 1991
Some bizarre family algorithm involving the addition of step
families, newlyweds and dates has landed me at the "Kids Table,"
some place I have not been since I was six. Thank Christ for
methamphetamines.
CHRISTMAS 1992
I officially give up on silencing the voice in my head that says
"What, that's all?" when I open my last gift, secretly certain
that letting go of the desire to make it stop, will, in fact,
make it stop. As I open my last gift, a voice in my head says
"What, that's all?"
NEW YEARS 1992/93
OH MY GOD, YOU'D THINK GETTING MARRIED WOULD HAVE MEANT THAT
THERE'D BE AT LEAST ONE GIRL AT MY NEW YEARS PARTY!
CHRISTMAS 1995
My daughter's first Christmas. We do the tree, the lights, the
crèche, The wife and I spend literally all night assembling
various baby toys and somehow manage to avoid a screeching,
divorce inducing, sleep deprived fight, surely a Christmas
miracle. I wake up early to apply a dozen nicotine patches so
that there is no chance I will be smoking on Christmas day.
Somehow during all this it has not occurred to me even once that
a six month old has no idea whatsoever that all the odd shit
you've been up to is in any way different from any of the odd
shit you're always up to. Everything you do is odd shit to her.
CHRISTMAS 1996
I am discovered naked and unconscious in the sewers of Paris,
clutching a one-armed "Tickle Me Elmo". No one can explain it,
least of all me.
CHANUKAH 1997
The wife decides that since our daughter is half Jewish we
should celebrate Chanukah. I try to explain to her that under
Jewish law, since my wife isn't Jewish, neither is my daughter.
No dice. She asks me to explain Chanukah. I tell her it has
something to do with the difference between the rates at which
oil and candles burn and that there is gambling.
CHRISTMAS 1998
A few months after an intriguing article in 'Wired' magazine
describes the soon to be released 'Furby' as a key moment in the
development of artificial intelligence, I am found naked and
unconscious in the sewers of Paris with a Furby in an
embarrassing place. No one is more confused than I.
NEW YEARS 1998/99
While there are many women at this party, I am unable to find my
wife. I later discover I have been at the wrong party.
NEW YEARS 1999/2000
The original plan was to party like it was 1999, but an article
in 'Wired' convinced me that all computer activity would cease
at midnight and that this might make airplanes were going to
fall out of the sky. I spend New Years in my basement surrounded
by canned water. I make a New Year's resolution to stop paying
so much attention to 'Wired'.
THANKSGIVING 2000
I seem to have another daughter, and this one really likes to
cry. I think I have made a toast about all the things I am
thankful for, but I can't hear anything except my new daughter
howling, even inside my own head, which I think is a physical
impossibility owing to the nature of vibration. I briefly wonder
if spitting a ping-pong ball into the gravy boat might lighten
the mood.
CHRISTMAS 2002
Both my daughters are now old enough to really appreciate all we
have done to make their holidays a wonderful experience. I am
surrounded by love, filled with the warm glow of family. In
addition, several new medications have become available that
seem to make things the way they are supposed to be. As I unwrap
my last present, a voice in my head says "What, that's all?" but
it seems to be saying it from behind a vast mountain of cotton
balls.
CHRISTMAS 2003
Not only do the fucking new medications not work anymore, I
seem to be getting little electric shocks from EVERYTHING I
TOUCH! In addition, the voice in my head no longer waits for me
to unwrap my last present and seems to have some very specific
instructions about things I might do that would make Lucy
Lawless really like me.
CHANUKAH 2004
"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
I made it out of clay
And when it's dry and ready
A Christian wrote this song.
Of that I'm certain. I'll tell you what I'M going to 'make out
of clay'. A Golem. That's what. And then I'll bring him to life
and see what kind of Holiday Season we get.
THANKSGIVING 2006
There are no girls at this Kibbutz, but for places to
inexplicably wind up naked and unconscious, it sure as hell
beats the sewers of Paris. I should be able to get home in time
for Christmas. I have already selected an appropriately
tattered, stained bathrobe and purchased a wicker laundry
basket.
If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:
Ways To Spice Up Your Holiday Shopping!
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