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HOMEWORK
by: Max Burbank

My daughterís homework assignment for Martin Luther King Junior Day was to make a poster that illustrated her dream for the world. She drew a man handing a woman a huge dollar bill and titled it "Rich People Should Share Their Money With Poor People". Now, sheís only five and a half, a kindergartner, so as youíd imagine I was pretty proud of her. Almost, but not quite proud enough to resist the temptation of telling her that the phrase "Rich People Should Share Their Money With Poor People" was spelled "I W-i-l-l G-i-v-e Y-o-u T-h-i-s M-o-n-e-y I-n E-x-c-h-a-n-g-e F-o-r S-e-x." Anything for a laugh, which is why when her distraught teacher called I told her I hadnít seen her work, her mother had helped her with it.

Now donít get me wrong, I firmly believe "Rich People Should Share Their Money With Poor People". When their done sharing, I think they should be dragged from their mansions, paraded through the streets and maybe even
pilloried, although the jury isnít quite in on that yet as I have no idea what Ďpilloriedí means. Furthermore I believe in:

  • A.) A maximum wage,

  • B.) That big corporations would grind up your arms for pet food if it increased the bottom line for their stockholders,

  • C.) A Camel will pass through the eye of a needle before a rich man shall enter the kingdom of heaven.

  • D.) In ten years time, if not less, Iíll be wearing a shock collar and living in a barracks as an involuntarily conscripted soldier in the armed forces of Time Warner/ AOL waiting to die in a hopeless war of attrition against Disney.

So when my daughter says "Rich People Should Share Their Money With Poor People", I think itís kind of sweet. On the other hand, creating the illusion that a five year oldís Martin Luther King Day poster is a ringing endorsement of Prostitution was simply too sweet a plumb to pass up. I value my principle, but I value a good belly laugh more. A whole lot more if the truth be told. This might also explain why I prepared her for Sunday school by telling her Jesus could turn into Captain
Marvel by saying ĎShazamí, and he didnít do that on the cross because he suffered from severe social anxiety disorder, just like in the Paxil commercials. Of course itís a Unitarian Sunday School, so itís not like they havenít heard that kind of thing before.

Itís like my wife tells the kid; "The most important thing is to be kind". The problem is, being kind is only funny if youíre a total bastard 98.5 percent of the time, so Iíve got my work cut out for me. Fatherhood is a full time job.

note #1: Max Burbank still gets a kick out of that "tie a string to a dollar bill" gag where he leaves it on the ground and yanks it away just as a starving homeless man reaches for it.

note #2: -RoG- believes that the starving homeless should eat their own children. Population control.


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