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by: Protoclown

I have noticed in my recent driving experiences a slew of annoying horse-related bumper stickers on the cars around me. "Happiness is Riding a Horse", "We're Horse People", or my least favorite of all, "Ask me about my Horse! (Have you got all day?)". And as I was viewing all these stupid little slogans, it occurred to me: I don't like horses. It's not even so much a problem I have with the animals themselves as it is with "horse people" who adore them so much. I hate those fuckers. With a passion. 

You know the type, those obnoxious rich assholes who talk about their horse as if it's a real person. Who have stupid nonsensical racing names for their horse (whether it races or not) like "Happy Bucky Glitterstar" or "Tapioca Pudding and Lots of Blood". Their entire lives revolve around some smelly fucking beast of an animal. And they try to gloat and brag about their beautiful little horse as if anybody else could give half a shit about it. 

Oftentimes these horse enthusiasts are spoiled young rich girls who are still in high school and are so "elite" that they don't have any real friends, save the horse they have enslaved into a life of manual labor and circus show amusements. And they always, ALWAYS, have pictures and posters of unicorns plastered all over their bedroom. Oh, they adore those magnificent unicorns. Well, let me tell you something about your precious, sweet, pure-as-fallen-snow unicorns: they have a WEAPON OF DEATH on the top of their fucking heads! If unicorns existed, what do you THINK they would use the horn for? To stand around and look pretty?? No, they would use the horn to STAB their enemies into oblivion. It would be cool if unicorns WERE real though, as I'm sure fights between them would be a truly bloody affair.

The happy little unicorn.
Awww, Unicorns are just so pretty aren't they?

My roommate told me about some horse riding class he took in college, and how all the horses were angry beasts who tried to kick and bite anyone who came within ten feet of them. He also told me that they were walking shit factories and leave a brown trail behind just about everywhere they go. It is for this reason that horses aren't very good at hiding. Horses also apparently have halitosis that can kill, if one is exposed to it long enough. 

These stories my roommate told me got me interested in doing some further research on my own, to learn more about these hideous, awful beasts, and I uncovered some interesting information.

So to avoid keeping you in suspense any longer, here are some TRUE HORSE FACTS

  • Horses taste great. In fact, odds are you've had horse meat and don't even know it. In about 24% of all instances in which you order beef, you are likely to actually get horse instead!

  • Horses are extremely unintelligent animals, scoring just under cows and right above salmon on standardized animal intelligence tests.

  • Horses will bathe in water if you let them, but they always prefer to immerse themselves in raw sewage to make the stench of their bad breath seem less noticeable. 

  • Horses are wildly horny beasts, and if you should ever find yourself walking by one with no pants on, be warned: they WILL fuck you. 

  • Horses are insatiable carnivores, and their favorite food in the entire world happens to be human babies. Nearly 300 human deaths a year result from leaving newborn children unattended by the horse's pen. 

  • Horses are all evil MINIONS OF SATAN. Want proof? Every horse has a birthmark in the form of either a "666" or "grinning Devil giving the thumb's up" somewhere on their body. Usually you have to shave the horse bald to uncover this infernal blemish.

  • Horses, in league with Lex Luthor, plotted and conspired to paralyze Superman from the neck down.

It is for these reasons that I have come to despise horses and their owners. Truly these unwholesome beasts must be eradicated immediately, for the safety of everyone who might encounter them. So please, if you know anyone who has a horse, or if you see any horses, confiscate them and take them to the glue factory right away. You'll be doing everyone a tremendous favor. 

note: Protoclown rode a horse once, many years ago. He's still waiting for the bruises on his nutsack to heal.

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