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HOUSE OF THE DEAD
by: Protoclown

So there's some guy in a crematorium in Georgia who's been tucking bodies away when he should have been burning them and placing their ashy remains into urns for the relatives to keep as morbid mantelpieces. And evidently this has pissed a lot of people off for some reason. Don't you think everybody's overreacting just a bit though?

I mean, I'm sure he had a perfectly good, legitimate reason to be stashing those bodies away in the ol' storage bin out back. For all we know it was perfectly justified, good intentioned fun with corpses, but here comes Johnny Law leading the angry village mob, torches and pitchforks at the ready. We're ready to make them pay for their heinous acts, when we don't even know what they were really doing.

Can you just imagine all the possibilities when you're talking about that many corpses? I mean, there's GOT to be a reason you want to keep that many bodies stashed away, and it's going to be a little above and beyond "Oh, the incinerator is missing a screw and we don't want to bother replacing it".

Suppose for a moment that they were building a massive army of zombie minions and were planning on taking over the world (or at least the town) with them? Would you hold it against them then? I don't think so. And if you did, you can bet your sweet ass that your brain would be the next item on the menu. Come on though! That would be awesome! A town inhabited entirely by undead! It would be one hell of a tourist attraction!

"Zombies Ate My Face!" t-shirt
The zombie merchandizing tie-ins alone could
jumpstart the economy of a small town!

Or what if they were going to make one of those "Haunted House" attractions for the kids at Halloween? You know, where you go through the house and the monsters and psycho killers jump out at you and you're supposed to be scared? Well, imagine all the fun you could have if you went through one of those with REAL dead people popping up all around you! Talk about scary! They could rig everything up on this pulley system, so that dead people leap up and drop from the ceiling, and you could pay extra money for a chainsaw to carve them to pieces with. You'd feel like you were right in the middle of a zombie movie! It's not like they'd run out of bodies any time soon anyway. Forget about donating your body to science! Donate it to entertainment! It's for the kids! Now is that a good cause or what?

Die Zombie Scum! Die!
This could be YOU!

Maybe they were trying to break into the fertilizer business and just didn't have enough money to break into it without a little help to get started? Or perhaps they wanted to build an entire house out of human bones. It's not like there's any other way you can get a hold of that many bones. Or they could have rented the bodies out to Hollywood, for war movies where you need to have lots of bodies sprawled out on the battlefield.

Who would want their relative's remains in an urn to keep forever anyway? That always seemed kind of disturbing to me. You knock that thing off the mantel and it's all over. If you're going to get your relative's ashes for morbid, gothy storage purposes anyway, you may as well make it interesting.

Like instead of putting your relatives into urns, put them into "Pok
balls" and then you can have them fight your friends dead relatives in epic dust and ash battles. "I CHOOSE YOU, AUNT MABEL!!!" You could even trade with all your friends and try to get more powerful combatants (like your neighbor's fat uncle who has at least twice as much ash as your anemic grandmother).

Braaaaaaaaaaaaains!
Either let 'em roam the earth in search of brains
or put 'em in a Pok
ball. Man, tough call...

Or you could put your passed relatives into those Burger King light up "Lord of the Rings" goblets. Rig up the light to a remote control and then when people you don't like come over, you hit button to turn the light on. "Oh no! Looks like Uncle Bill is glowing red again! I don't think he ever liked you. You'd better get out of here before he decides he wants to possess someone again!"

Uncle Bill is pissed at you. Or maybe he's pissed his remains are stored in a cheap promotional item?
Oh shit! It's Uncle Bill! RUN!!!!!!!

See, there are all kinds of creative and fun things you can do with dead people (and not just fucking them either!) that I'll bet you never even thought about. So are you going to be so quick to pick up your pitchfork and march against the blasphemous  "defilers of the dead" now that you know all this fun stuff they were probably planning? Remember, just because someone is
dead doesn't mean they can't still be fun.

note: Protoclown is betting that we'll see some of these corpses in the upcoming "Resident Evil" movie.


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