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THE "I DON'T LIKE IT" LIST!
by: Max Burbank

  1. Hot coffee in the face
     

  2. TYPING ALL IN CAPS TO INDICATE YELLING!
     

  3. YELLING!
     

  4. UNWARRANTED USE OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!
     

  5. Grabby Monkeys
     

  6. Gropey Monkeys
     

  7. People who jump out at you in Haunted House attractions
     

  8. People who jump out at you at all
     

  9. Actually haunted houses
     

  10. Dave
     

  11. Completely made up words like 'Cinnabon'
     

  12. Punch in the face
     

  13. Punch in the face causing temporary blindness
     

  14. Punch in the face causing permanent blindness
     

  15. Blindness
     

  16. People who think doing a passing imitation of a funny catch phrase is the same as being funny
     

  17. Dead rat on a rope traveling at forty-five mph in the face
     

  18. Fear of late night monsters in the toilet continuing out of toddler years and straight through to adulthood
     

  19. Finally getting to see a show you really wanted to see for the second time and it's a rerun of the one episode you already saw
     

  20. Unidentified pinching sensations below the belt while swimming
     

  21. That dream where Lucy Lawless made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department
     

  22. That dream where Katherine MacPhee made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department
     

  23. That dream where Ernest Borgnine made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department
     

  24. WHALE MUSIC, WHALE MUSIC, WHALE MUSIC!
     

  25. Star Trek Voyager
     

  26. Kate Mulgrew
     

  27. Kate Mulgrew on Star Trek Voyager
     

  28. Jumpy Bean Dave and his all Pre-op Samba Orchestra
     

  29. Bad touchies
     

  30. Owies
     

  31. Uncle Dave who I am pretty sure was not my uncle
     

  32. All those guys Dad did time with
     

  33. "Mexican" Dave Saunders who was not Mexican at all but was hiding in our garage that one time and jumped out at me
     

  34. People quoting Monty Python until I couldn't even like Monty Python anymore
     

  35. The dark
     

  36. Barbara Streisand
     

  37. Meat cutters with an evil glint in their eyes and forearms like horse legs roped with muscle and covered in hair and tattooed all over with images of Barbara Streisand
     

  38. That stone ass Mo-Fo Dave
     

  39. Pants fulla Monkeys
     

  40. Elephantiasis
     

  41. When a mosquito gets into your house and flies near your ear when you're trying to sleep and you can't catch it, and every time you think you've driven it away it comes back and wakes you up again until around 4:32 AM you bust into a neighbors house, kill their sleeping dogs and set fire to the place to cover your tracks.
     

  42. My neighbor Dave and his God Damn dogs
     

  43. Tiny, angry, microscopic Monkeys in your bloodstream on nanotech motorcycles
     

  44. God Damn ghost of Mary baker Eddy with her constant need to play Canasta
     

  45. Leprechauns
     

  46. Leprechauns
     

  47. Leprechauns
     

  48. Leprechauns
     

  49. Jew Leprechauns
     

  50. When you're necking with a girl and suddenly you see in the mirror you're necking with a corpse because she's a ghost and then you realize you're just remembering that time you watched "The Shining"
     

  51. Genocide
     

  52. Cancer
     

  53. Poverty
     

  54. Wintergreen gum
     

  55. DaaaaAAAAAAAAAVE!
     

  56. Weiner in a mouse trap
     

  57. Dogs in Iron Lungs a-takin' our jobs and a-stealin' our womens
     

  58. People who jump out at you in libraries
     

  59. Eye worms
     

  60. Shenanigans
     

  61. Jiggery-pokery
     

  62. Malarkey
     

  63. Flim-Flam
     

  64. Chumbawamba
     

  65. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
     

  66. Open casket funerals of people who died from being partially dissolved by industrial solvents
     

  67. Hassles
     

  68. Snake oil salesman that promise you the moon but leave you high and dry holding the bag
     

  69. When your doorbell rings and you open the door and there's nobody there and you look down and there's a paper bag on your doorstep and Jesus, it's on fire, so you stamp on it without even thinking and the god damn bag turns out to be full of memories of a girl you knew in high school who you never asked out even though on certain summer nights you can still smell her hair
     

  70. Dragon Tails, Dragon Tails, it's almost time for Dragon tails
     

  71. The bottom line
     

  72. At the end of the day
     

  73. When push comes to shove
     

  74. Shut up Dave, just shut up, can't you GOD DAMN SHUT UP!?
     

  75. That Seven Eleven Microwave Burrito at 2:00 in the morning in 1987
     

  76. Hitler
     

  77. Hi-lighters
     

  78. The strongly held belief in my own exceptionality which I know is wrong
     

  79. Reflux
     

  80. Haters
     

  81. Belt Sander in the face
     

  82. People who jump out at you in elevators and the next thing you know you're waking up in a bathtub full of ice cubes minus a kidney
     

  83. Hong Kong Phooey impersonators with the 'friendly' hands
     

  84. Grab ass meter maids all hopped up on electric fun juice and stay awake pills
     

  85. Wrecking ball in the face
     

  86. Prejudice
     

  87. Intolerance
     

  88. Bigotry
     

  89. Mexicans
     

  90. Flammable pajamas
     

  91. Really flammable pajamas
     

  92. Extra flammable pajamas with hair trigger Zippo lighter accents
     

  93. That time in high school
     

  94. That time in high school musical
     

  95. People that jump out at you during high school musical in the face
     

  96. Cotton eye Joe
     

  97. Everybody
     

  98. Everything
     

  99. All the time
     

  100. Did I mention Dave?


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