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by: Max Burbank

  1. Hot coffee in the face




  5. Grabby Monkeys

  6. Gropey Monkeys

  7. People who jump out at you in Haunted House attractions

  8. People who jump out at you at all

  9. Actually haunted houses

  10. Dave

  11. Completely made up words like 'Cinnabon'

  12. Punch in the face

  13. Punch in the face causing temporary blindness

  14. Punch in the face causing permanent blindness

  15. Blindness

  16. People who think doing a passing imitation of a funny catch phrase is the same as being funny

  17. Dead rat on a rope traveling at forty-five mph in the face

  18. Fear of late night monsters in the toilet continuing out of toddler years and straight through to adulthood

  19. Finally getting to see a show you really wanted to see for the second time and it's a rerun of the one episode you already saw

  20. Unidentified pinching sensations below the belt while swimming

  21. That dream where Lucy Lawless made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department

  22. That dream where Katherine MacPhee made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department

  23. That dream where Ernest Borgnine made this whole big deal over my inadequacy in the sex department


  25. Star Trek Voyager

  26. Kate Mulgrew

  27. Kate Mulgrew on Star Trek Voyager

  28. Jumpy Bean Dave and his all Pre-op Samba Orchestra

  29. Bad touchies

  30. Owies

  31. Uncle Dave who I am pretty sure was not my uncle

  32. All those guys Dad did time with

  33. "Mexican" Dave Saunders who was not Mexican at all but was hiding in our garage that one time and jumped out at me

  34. People quoting Monty Python until I couldn't even like Monty Python anymore

  35. The dark

  36. Barbara Streisand

  37. Meat cutters with an evil glint in their eyes and forearms like horse legs roped with muscle and covered in hair and tattooed all over with images of Barbara Streisand

  38. That stone ass Mo-Fo Dave

  39. Pants fulla Monkeys

  40. Elephantiasis

  41. When a mosquito gets into your house and flies near your ear when you're trying to sleep and you can't catch it, and every time you think you've driven it away it comes back and wakes you up again until around 4:32 AM you bust into a neighbors house, kill their sleeping dogs and set fire to the place to cover your tracks.

  42. My neighbor Dave and his God Damn dogs

  43. Tiny, angry, microscopic Monkeys in your bloodstream on nanotech motorcycles

  44. God Damn ghost of Mary baker Eddy with her constant need to play Canasta

  45. Leprechauns

  46. Leprechauns

  47. Leprechauns

  48. Leprechauns

  49. Jew Leprechauns

  50. When you're necking with a girl and suddenly you see in the mirror you're necking with a corpse because she's a ghost and then you realize you're just remembering that time you watched "The Shining"

  51. Genocide

  52. Cancer

  53. Poverty

  54. Wintergreen gum


  56. Weiner in a mouse trap

  57. Dogs in Iron Lungs a-takin' our jobs and a-stealin' our womens

  58. People who jump out at you in libraries

  59. Eye worms

  60. Shenanigans

  61. Jiggery-pokery

  62. Malarkey

  63. Flim-Flam

  64. Chumbawamba

  65. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

  66. Open casket funerals of people who died from being partially dissolved by industrial solvents

  67. Hassles

  68. Snake oil salesman that promise you the moon but leave you high and dry holding the bag

  69. When your doorbell rings and you open the door and there's nobody there and you look down and there's a paper bag on your doorstep and Jesus, it's on fire, so you stamp on it without even thinking and the god damn bag turns out to be full of memories of a girl you knew in high school who you never asked out even though on certain summer nights you can still smell her hair

  70. Dragon Tails, Dragon Tails, it's almost time for Dragon tails

  71. The bottom line

  72. At the end of the day

  73. When push comes to shove

  74. Shut up Dave, just shut up, can't you GOD DAMN SHUT UP!?

  75. That Seven Eleven Microwave Burrito at 2:00 in the morning in 1987

  76. Hitler

  77. Hi-lighters

  78. The strongly held belief in my own exceptionality which I know is wrong

  79. Reflux

  80. Haters

  81. Belt Sander in the face

  82. People who jump out at you in elevators and the next thing you know you're waking up in a bathtub full of ice cubes minus a kidney

  83. Hong Kong Phooey impersonators with the 'friendly' hands

  84. Grab ass meter maids all hopped up on electric fun juice and stay awake pills

  85. Wrecking ball in the face

  86. Prejudice

  87. Intolerance

  88. Bigotry

  89. Mexicans

  90. Flammable pajamas

  91. Really flammable pajamas

  92. Extra flammable pajamas with hair trigger Zippo lighter accents

  93. That time in high school

  94. That time in high school musical

  95. People that jump out at you during high school musical in the face

  96. Cotton eye Joe

  97. Everybody

  98. Everything

  99. All the time

  100. Did I mention Dave?

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