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by: Protoclown

It is with no small bit of irony that I reveal to you now that, despite my chosen moniker, I hate clowns. I quite despise them, really. It's not as if they scare me or anything, I just think they're stupid. I suppose just about everyone goes through that "Holy shit, I'm scared of clowns because they all want to eat me" phase as a child, but hell, I was more afraid of my sister's ventriloquist dummy than I ever was of clowns. The way that omnipresent dummy stared at me from her room across the hall, there was no mistaking the bloodlust in its beady little eyes. But I digress. 

I have one good friend who to this day is still terrified of clowns. And he's not a small man, either. This guy could pound somebody into paste if he really had the mind to do so, yet you show him a clown and he's in the fetal position, sucking his thumb and asking his mommy to take the bad man away. What is it that scares people so much about clowns anyway? I mean, the Joker is a pretty twisted and evil villain I suppose, but he's not really much of a clown, per se.

John Wayne Gacy
Of course, there's always John Wayne Gacy.

Now THIS clown was fucked up. You can just see the evil seething off the picture. Notice the sickly bluish-green tint? That's pure evil right there. Anyone who paints a smile THAT big on their face has got some serious shit to hide. And he even looks like he had fangs in that picture. Sort of fitting, don't you think? 

Killer Klowns From Outer Space (sock puppets!)
How about the movie "Killer Klowns From Outerspace"?
It's kinda hard for a clown to be scary when
it's quite obviously a HAND PUPPET!!

Perhaps it's the knowledge gleaned from horror movies that all clowns are fanged horrors from outer space who are little more than sadistic cannibals wishing to feast upon the children of the world that scares people so much. Or perhaps it's merely the fact that they like to hide behind their twisted facepaint grimaces while radiating the stench of body odor and alcohol and hanging around little children all day. Regardless they're just a bunch of freakish bastards. 

I'm reluctant to trust somebody who hides behind a painted smile all the time. Though I suppose that really describes a lot of people, including most of the ones I work with. I guess that explains why I hate my job so much, but I'm getting off topic again. It's also hard to trust someone who will fit seventeen of his buddies into his car and then go cruising. How do they all fit in there? Clearly we're looking at a lot of lap-riders here. I'll bet you'd be hard pressed to find a homophobic clown. I mean, just look at this guy: 

Doink the Clown!
"Doink" the wrestling clown.

"Doink" here must give kids a very confusing mixed message. Yes, burly effeminate men wearing flamboyant outfits who like to wrestle around on the floor with children are okay! "But mommy and daddy say that all gay people are going to hell!" Just remember this important lesson kids: gay people are okay, clowns are NOT. And if you're wondering about Gay Clowns, look back up at the picture again and all your doubts shall be assuaged. 

Speaking of clowns cruising the town, can you imagine how destructive clown gangs could be? Just think about a clown drive-by shooting! You'd have almost twenty people blasting away at the target instead of just two or three! They could raze a fucking building on a single pass! And can you imagine the hell they must put people through at the fast food drive-thru window? I just wouldn't have it. 

I'm not sure which are more despicable, the lonely birthday clowns who drive around town in their make-up in a near-constant alcoholic haze, or the circus clowns who hang with such company as geeks, acrobats, and the bearded lady, also in a near-constant alcoholic haze. I don't think it's really possible to be a clown and NOT be an alcoholic. You ever pay any attention to the way Bozo staggered around on his show? I doubt that man remembers what sobriety feels like. Hell, if I'd had his job, I'm sure I wouldn't have been too familiar with being sober either. 

Despite all the strikes clowns have against them, they're still not half as bad as their annoying, offshoot, bastard cousins: MIMES. There is NOTHING on this earth more loathsome than a mime. I have a rule: If I'm driving down the road and see a mime, I STOP AT NOTHING until that mime is smeared across the bumper and undercarriage of my car. I don't follow many rules, but that's a good one to live by. Usually they're too busy being stuck in their invisible box to escape my wrath in time. 

Where did mimes ever get the silly-assed idea that what they do is art? Is it because they like to wear berets, or is it the silent treatment they give their audience? There's nothing artistic about walking against the wind and tugging on ropes that aren't there. In fact, that's just bloody stupid. The day I can shoot a mime and see the blood splatter across the inner surface of the "invisible box", THEN I will have seen a mime create a piece of worthwhile art. And not a moment before! 

At least clowns are honest about what they do. "Yeah, I paint my face up all scary and eat children for a living". Nothing artistic about that at all. So I can at least begrudgingly respect them for their lack of pretension. I still hate clowns though. 

note: Protoclown used to have a brother named Protomime, but he killed him and hid all evidence of the crime in the invisible box he was buried in.

note #2: Protoclown still checks under the bed every night to make sure a clown isn't hiding under it... "just in case".

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