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NOT-SO-SMOOTH CRIMINAL
by: Protoclown

Over the last decade or so, I have developed a morbid fascination with the downward spiral of Michael Jackson's sanity. We've all watched Michael over the last twenty years, as he has slowly turned from a fairly handsome black man into a wretched, frail-looking pasty white skeletal "thing". Much like Darth Vader, he has undergone a terrible transformation that has left him with little humanity to spare. He is now more assflesh than man, twisted and ugly. And as his face has crumbled, his mind has followed suit. He's always been a bit of a kook, of course, but this last month has been pure gold in terms of sadistic entertainment.

Take Jackson's first court appearances in this recent trial he's been involved in. He shows up wearing a black surgical mask, obviously thinking he is some kind of ninja. After all, he's already declared himself to be "bad", "dangerous", and "invincible". It's not too surprising then that he would think of himself as a badass killing machine martially trained to embody all of these qualities he's boldly attributed to himself with his album titles. Sadly, Jackson is none of these things. About the only album title that bears any relation to reality is "Off the Wall".

Then we have the infamous baby dangling incident. Since he decided to swing his baby over the fourth story railing of his Berlin hotel balcony he has claimed that it was a "terrible mistake". But if we merely consider this for a moment, I think we'll discover that this is not really the case at all. He was covering up his child's head with a cloth, presumably to keep his face hidden from potential kidnappers. But isn't it much MORE likely, I ask you, that he was perhaps preparing some random child acquired off the black market for a demonic blood ritual in order to uphold his end of a dark pact with Satan? I mean, check out this picture here:

I mean, just LOOK at that sinister grin, and that devilish gleam in his eyes! And the HORNS! What more evidence do you need!? I say that he was just getting the knives ready to perform the necessary ritual, when he got excited and decided to take his sacrifice outside for everybody to see. And I'll bet that kid isn't around anymore to tell the tale. All of his kids always have veils covering their faces. Once again, because of would-be kidnappers... supposedly. But isn't it much MORE plausible that it's because they're DIFFERENT kids every time? I think he's buying kids off the black market, keeping them at his wonderful Disney house, and then sacrificing them to the dark powers for some sinister purpose. Then he just goes and replaces them, slaps a new veil on, and voila! "His" kids are just fine! I'll bet nobody's paid attention to see if their heights and weights vary radically from appearance to appearance. But I'll bet you will now!

And check these pictures out. Michael Jackson screaming bloody murder and preparing to drop a baby bomb on the unsuspecting public below, and Michael Myers standing there with a knife.

CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE? I can't either, except that I labeled them properly as I found them. Michael Jackson is the one on the right, Michael Myers is the one on the left... A-HA! But I've fooled you! The pictures are actually the other way around! Now that you know it is in fact Jackson on the left, look at his horribly twisted expression. He looks like he's crying, or screaming, or babbling in tongues! Now check out Myers on the right. He looks serene and calm in comparison. I mean, sure he's got a knife. But hell, I've got knives in my kitchen. That doesn't make me a bloodthirsty criminal. Maybe he's going to carve up an onion or something. I mean, you don't KNOW, do you? Let's give him the benefit of the doubt, for now. Now which one would you rather run into in a dark alley? Screaming baby thrower or calm knife guy (who is quite possibly an adept cook with that knife of his)?

Here's another fun comparison. Let's take Michael Jackson in his current guise and put him up against... scourge of Eternia and He-Man's arch-nemesis, SKELETOR!!!

Once again, I'll help you out. Jackson is the one on the left, Skeletor is the one on the right. Do you suppose Jackson has ever heard of Eternia? Perhaps he's had plans of conquest and domination for the place that the very Masters of the Universe call their home? Perhaps he really IS Skeletor, eh? Do you suppose he can tell that Prince Adam and He-Man are actually the same guy? I'll bet you He-Man would figure out pretty quickly that Michael Jackson and Skeletor are the same guy. I think even Beast Man could figure it out, and that guy was a fucking big orange dumbass. All I'm saying here? Watch out, Eternia. This guy dangles babies. He's fucking crazy.

Okay, and then there's that spider thing. You know, where Jackson got bit by a radioactive spider, granting him super powers but leaving him in a temporarily weakened state? Because if that spider WASN'T radioactive, I want to know WHY THE HELL HE'S WALKING AROUND ON FUCKING CRUTCHES.

That's the ONLY explanation I'll take, if it was a indeed spider at all. It had to be radioactive. Because I for one, have NEVER been bitten by a spider that WASN'T radioactive where I had to walk around on crutches. Nah, I don't think it was a spider at all. I figure he's either totally gone off the deep end of the deep end he had previously gone off of and started gnawing the flesh off his own foot, OR he used skin from his foot to make his face look somewhat more presentable for the courtroom with a quick-fix plastic surgery job. I give 50/50 odds here, either explanation.

And look here... not only is Jackson giving the heroes of Eternia a run for their money, but perhaps he's terrorizing Gotham City as well?

Once again, the similarities are stunning. I can hardly tell them apart, if they are in fact different people at all. But even if they ARE different people, they both had that same "falling into a big green vat of acid" background so common to DC villains. Jackson has all the makings of a Gotham City terror, if he hasn't been one already.

And check out that nose:

Man, look at that thing! What does he do when he has a big booger? That's not the kind of nose you can just stick a finger in and start scraping away. I mean, that's the kind of nose that you have to pop off first, before you go messing around in there! It probably does just pop right off like Mr. Potatohead's nose at this point. Or maybe he has those 99-minute masks, like Darkman had? After 99 minutes, his "face" completely shrivels off, revealing the horrible true visage underneath!

Okay, so what have we proven today? If Jackson isn't Michael Myers, he's certainly Skeletor. And if he isn't Skeletor, he's soon going to be Spider-Man. And if he's not that, he's ASSUREDLY the Joker, or some other random DC villain. Or maybe Darkman. He's definitely NOT a ninja though. We can just cross that right off the list. The man is completely out-of-his-mind insane, and far more scary than any horror movie villain I've ever seen. Shit, when I was a kid, I was afraid of Freddy Krueger. Kids these days are afraid of Michael Jackson. And if they're not, they SHOULD be. If I ever have kids, whenever they misbehave, I'm going to make a very simple threat. I'm going to tell them that if they don't settle down, MICHAEL JACKSON, A.K.A. THE BOOGEYMAN, is going to come for them. I'll bet that'll settle them down REAL fast.


BECAUSE REMEMBER, LITTLE TIMMY...
MICHAEL JACKSON IS WATCHING YOU!!! MUHAHAHAHA!

note: Protoclown once tried to fall into a vat of acid to become a DC villain, but only managed to burn off the tip of his penis.


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