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THE PRECIOUS EXPERIENCES OF JOB HUNTING
by: -RoG-

Job Hunting. Those two words alone can put fear into the hearts of almost anyone. I'm sure you people have had trouble finding jobs at one time or another. So this little article is going to cover some of the experiences and troubles one goes through when looking for a job.

The young lad looks down the road with a sparkle in his or her eye. Stores to the left, stores to the right..."This will be a piece of cake," they laugh, "Why look at all of those help wanted signs! They are everywhere!" Now we've all heard the "Fast Food Sux" stories so we'll use those as a last resort and not bother applying there for a little while. So the lad finds a place that looks like it might be decent to work at. What do ya know! Of course there is a "HELP WANTED" sign in the door. I think that is kind of vague. In fact, I think the help wanted signs are a conspiracy. I believe these stores are all owned by one asshole who gets a kick every summer by putting up these signs in their windows. They always put them up around mid-summer so the teenager that wanted to relax a little before he/she decided to start work could apply there. That's just it. This is where they get their laughs.

So you walk in the door, dressed up unusually nice, and pick up an application. You ask for the manager, and the snotty young girl that gives you the application tells you the manager isn't there. Fine. So you go back home, pissed off that you dressed up for nothing. Then you sit down, grab a hot cup of joe, and now comes some more fun. THAT'S RIGHT! You get to fill out one of the THOUSANDS of applications you will be filling out this summer! Sometimes they're big, sometimes they're small, it doesn't matter. They're annoying as hell either way. So you start filling out the application. You lie about not having a criminal record. You ask yourself, "Why the hell have I had to write my name in 50 different places on this damned thing?!?! Is once not enough?!?" Now you've reached the "Previous Work Experience" section. Oh yes, for some of you, you are already dead because you have none. Or if you have job experience you have to go through the shit like filling out the address of the place you worked at 5 years ago, the phone number, the combination to your locker in middle school and all sorts of pointless crud. That's one thing I never understood, who cares what the address of the place is?!? They aren't going to write them a freaking letter when they can make a phone call!

Well then, that's all done with. Everything's ok still...right? WRONG. Now you've reached the "References" part of the application. This is sheer hell. You start going through all sorts of names trying to find out who would actually vouch for you and say, "Oh him? He's one hell of a good kid, and hard worker too!" You'll put down anyone's name at this point because you are so desperate it doesn't matter. Chances are they won't call anyone anyway. So you put down your stairmaster instructor's name, your little sister's friend's mom's name, and since nobody never can figure out a third one...you pick a random name out of the phone book. If you're lucky it'll be a drunken idiot. If they call him he wont remember too well and he'll just say "Oh yeah! (erp) I remember him! He did all sorts of good yard work and stuff for me!(erp)" I seriously doubt they ever call these people anyway. Well now you sign your name ONE MORE TIME at the bottom of the application. This signature means that you understand all the rules and that everything you have written down is true. So you've lied again by saying you are telling the truth.

Now it's time to get dressed up even nicer because this is the BIG MOMENT! You are going to turn in your application today! First you take a long shower. Then you shave and comb your hair nicely (if you have any). You drink your Carnation Instant Breakfast, get pissed at your horoscope, and walk out the door. The neighbor's little girl laughs at you as she's riding on her Barbie Big-Wheels. You hear her giggle about the funny outfit you are wearing, but you move on. Now you are in your car, piece of shite that it probably is, and begin your journey to a possible new job. You realize it would be best that you park your car as far away from the store as possible because if the manager/interviewer saw it, they would probably not even let you in. So you walk a little ways, and just before you walk in the door one last thing happens to piss you off before the interview. BAHHHWOOOOOSH! Satan throws a knuckleball at you! A HUGE gust of wind blows into your face as you open the door instantly messing up your groomed hair (Again, pending you have any. This is where the bald guys have the advantage.)

So you quickly try fixing it as best you can. You walk in and you don't know if the employees are smirking at the fact that you are going to try to apply or at the hairs that are way out of place on your head and look funny as hell. Your stomach muscles tighten up. "Can I speak to the manager please?" Now at this point you reach a fork in the road, it either goes one way or the other.

Situation 1 goes like this: "I'm sorry he's not here right now, I'll take your application and we'll CALL YOU BACK." You now know you are dead. A total waste of time. They never call you. You call them and go through 50 different answering services and even if you reach someone they tell you "We'll CALL YOU BACK, we are still reviewing applications." You dream of being a disgruntled postal worker who decides to take out his employer, but you restrain yourself.

Situation 2 goes like this: "Hi, I'm the manager, step into my office please." So you walk in there gazing at the employees of the month list hoping you'll be on there soon too. Then he asks you a few questions, "So what did you do at your previous job?" and "What are some of your hobbies?" Inside you wish you could tell him, "Oh I was a pimp. Hobbies you say? hmmm, well when I'm not at some NRA rallies trying to pass an act that makes guns legal for infants, I'm out with the boys getting drunk off our asses and getting into bar fights." But instead you lie to him and say, "Oh I was a clerk and I helped out all the customers with their needs. My hobbies are playing chess and figuring out math formulas to further enhance my education for when I go to Harvard University..." or some insane lie like that. Then there's a few moments of silence...his eyebrows slant downward as he looks at your application. You are sweating at this point and hoping he doesn't notice. Everything seems to be amplified 50 thousand times. You hear your application crinkling in his hands. You also wish you hadn't had that Carnation Instant Breakfast cuz now you have to let one rip. Then he stands up, and of course you do to. "Ok thanks a lot. We'll CALL YOU BACK sometime soon to let you know if we've decided to hire you. Thanks." He gives you the hand shake, then smiles, and you know that he knows that you were sweating since your palms were drenched.

WHY. WHY THE HELL CAN'T THEY JUST TELL YOU RIGHT THERE. "OK SON! WELCOME ABOARD!" OR "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STORE NOW!" Instead they put you through the "call you back" process. You know as soon as you leave the whole store is in an uproar. You have images in your head of them laughing at you, "Can you believe that loser wanted to work with us?!? hahahaha! Did you see the hair?!? bwahahaha!!!" I tell you it's a conspiracy. Forget helping the homeless, forget the starving people, forget the dwindling rainforests...THIS IS WHAT WE NEED TO ACT ON! WE NEED TO MAKE JOBS AVAILABLE INSTANTLY. "I want a job" "Ok you're hired!" That's how it should always be. But life sucks and that's not going to happen So I wish you all the best of luck in your careers as a "job-seeker".


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