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A few years ago I was working in a Blockbuster Video
store. During that time I got to watch a shload of movies, but none of the movies I saw during that period stick out more in my mind than Jack Frost. No, I'm not talking about the "family
version" of Jack Frost that stars Michael Keaton who dies and then comes back as
a Snowman to cheer up his stupid kid. I am talking about the "horror/comedy"
version starring... um... some people none of us have probably ever heard of.
This version of Jack Frost is all about a homicidal maniac who has some
chemicals spilled on him and, combined with the snow, he turns into a snowman.
This is no ordinary snowman though, unless you consider snowmen that have
uncontrollable homicidal impulses to be "normal". This movie has some of the
best death scenes you will ever see. It also has some of the cheesiest effects
(the fake snow is REALLY FAKE looking). Furthermore, it has probably the worst
jokes I've ever heard in a movie. So bad that you can't help but laugh at the
whole thing. The entire movie is really entertaining.
 |
 |
| Family
Crap. |
Family
Nightmare! |
But can you guess which movie got more rentals? That's right, the "family"
version. Because a major Hollywood studio produced it of course. So how can we
help give the BETTER version of Jack Frost (the horror/comedy version) the same
attention?
It's really quite simple.
Go to any video store and take the video tape from the Jack Frost horror/comedy
movie and put it behind the box of the Jack Frost family movie. The parents who
rent it will not realize that they are actually renting the horror/comedy
version since the titles are identical. (Make sure you don't put the family
version of jack frost behind the box of the horror/comedy. That would be bad.
Just hide the family version somewhere so it will never be rented again.)
And boy oh boy, imagine the surprise on their kids faces when they see the happy
snowman biting someone's head off, or shoving the opposite end of an axe through
some poor bastard's skull! "Momie! Momie! The mean snowman just killed that nice
old lady!"
It is our duty to pull this ol' movie "switch-a-roo". Not just as fans of cheezy
movies that make us laugh until the wee hours of the night; but as discouragers
of companies like Disney that spew out 50 happy-go-lucky-everything-in-life-is-just-dandy films every year. You're
preventing people from being brainwashed by crap like that and you should be
proud!
So get out to those video stores, switch the copies of Jack
Frost, then sit back and laugh knowing that you are a sick
bastard who is making some poor kid somewhere cry his/her little
eyes out. |
