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by: -RoG-

If I could be any animal I wanted, it wouldn't be a "bird" or a "tiger" or a "heartless lawyer". No sir, I would choose one of the most under-appreciated species on this planet:

(pronounced "COOL-E-LOWCH", for you aspiring rap artists in need of a new name)

For those of you who don't know what a kuhli loach is, allow me to describe it to you. Kuhli loaches are small aquatic creatures that look like they're half-worm, half-eel. You can find them in most pet shops for about 2 bux each... pretty cheap. They're basically nocturnal scavengers; eating just about anything they can find on the ground.

kuhlius loachus maximus go nutus
The Kuhli Loach
(kuhlius loachus maximus go nutus)

So what's the big deal about kuhli loaches? Well a long time ago, when I first described them to a friend of mine, I used the phrase, "THEY JUST GO NUTS!". And to this day, I cannot think of a better way to explain the allure of the kuhli loach... THEY JUST GO NUTS!!!

For example, kuhli loaches generally like to hide under stuff such as rocks, wood, severed hands... whatever you happen to keep in your fish tank. Now what do you think happens if you decide to remove these things from the kuhli loach environment? ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! You know how, in a typical horror movie, a dumb kid accidentally frees a demon/monster from its bondage so that it can unleash its fury upon the world? Well that's about the equivalent of removing a rock that a kuhli loach was hiding under. THEY JUST GO NUTS!!!

The second you remove that stony sanctuary, the kuhli loach will dart around the tank as if you just injected it with 1 gallon of crack. If they were a larger species, I wouldn't be surprised at all of they could shatter the glass, considering how fast they can move.

And speed is one of the best things about a kuhli loach. If you're like me, you enjoy making complete strangers suffer in agony for your own personal amusement. You do like that, right? Well anyway, the VERY LAST THING a guy who works in the fish department of a pet shop wants to hear is "Yeah, I'd like a kuhli loach please."

Just try and catch me pet shop guy! Ha Ha!
The almighty kuhli loach emerges from the murky
depths of his tank just so that he can laugh
and the pet shop guy... "Come and get me! Ha Ha!"

The look that comes over the poor bastard's face would make any onlooker think you just told him that his mom just died. Actually, he'd probably prefer to get that news instead of hearing that you want him to scoop out a kuhli loach for him. Yes indeed, for a measly 2 BUX you can spend 15 minutes laughing your ass off as the pet shop guy tries to catch a kuhli loach for you. And the whole time he's trying to catch it with the net, he's literally destroying the nice setup of the fish tank that he worked so hard on for public display. I swear, you'll see the pet shop guy mumbling to himself as veins begin to pop out of his forehead while he tries to catch one.

And once he finally does catch the oh-so-speedy and elusive kuhli loach, what could be more fun than telling him, "You know, I don't like that one, can you get me another one??". And there's NOTHING he can do about it. He has to let that kuhli loach go, after he just spent 15 minutes trying to catch it, and then start all over again. It's beautiful. It's entertainment. It's 2 BUX!

beer gut kuhli loach
As you can see, some kuhli loaches come
with the optional "beer gut" at no extra cost!

In a world full of over-priced let-downs such as just about every CD that's come out this year, and this summer's "#1 blockbuster movie", it's nice to know there's still a cheap form of entertainment. For 2 bux you can see a pet shop guy come within inches of raging homicide. For 2 bux you get to bring an insane pet into your household that will bring you hours and hours of entertainment for years to come.

So get out there. Get out there and buy yourself a family of kuhli loaches and watch them, "JUST GO NUTS!"

note: -RoG- firmly believes that kuhli loaches will one day grow legs, and take over the planet. Then they'll have their revenge when they make ALL OF US JUST GO NUTS instead! Befriend them now while you still can!

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