Editorials

How "The Lord Of The Rings" Would Have Been Different
If I Were Tasked With Carrying The One Ring Instead Of Frodo

by: Max Burbank

(Interior, BAG END. GADALF and ME.)

GANDALF:
This is the One Ring. Forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom. Taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself. For sixty years, the ring lay quiet in Bilbo's keeping, prolonging his life, delaying old age, but no longer, Max. I'm sorry, did I say something amusing?

ME:
What?... Oh, no, no. Go on, you were saying something about Sauron-

GANDAlF:
Evil is stirring in Mordor. The ring has awoken. It's heard it's master's call... why are you laughing?

ME:
Nothing, nothing, it's not important-

GANDALF:
OUT WITH IT!

ME:
Okay, okay, its just Bilbo's name strikes me funny sometimes.

GANDALF:
What?

ME:
It's just, you know, 'Bilbo' you only have to change, like two letters, like, make the 'B's 'D's and you get... you know...

(pause)

I mean when his parents named him... Like shouldn't someone, I don't know, a nurse or something, said, like, "Hey, you can't call the kid that, it's almost..."

(pause)

See, I knew you wouldn't think it was funny. Just go on.

ME:
Take it Gandalf, take it! You must take it!

GANDALF:
You cannot offer me this Ring...

ME:
I am giving it to you!

GANDALF:
Don't... tempt me, Max!

I dare not take it. Not even to keep it safe. Understand, Max, I would use this ring from a desire to do good, but through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine... Max?... MAX! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE!

ME:
Huh? OH! In here? This is where I keep... like... heavy clothes and stuff, you know, winter, winter things that take up too much... There isn't a secret tunnel to outside in here if that's what you're thinking, it's just a normal linen closet. Oh, hey! I thought I lost this sweater! That's good. That I found this. 'Cause I sure like this sweater... Thought I lost it. Here it is, though.

GANDALF:
Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?

SAM:
I ain't been droppin' no eaves, sir, honest. I was just cuttin' the grass under the window there, if you follow me...

GANDALF:
A little late for trimming the verge, don't you think?

SAM:
I heard raised voices...

GANDALF:
What did you hear? Speak!

SAM:
Well, nothin' important... that is, I heard a good deal about a Ring and a Dark Lord and somethin' about the end of the world... But, please, Mr. Gandalf sir, don't hurt me... don't turn me into anythin'... unnatural!

ME:
Hey, I know! Let's make Sam take the ring!

STRIDER:
You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. 'Underhill'.

ME:
What do you want?

STRIDER:
A little more caution from you... That is no trinket you carry.

ME:
What, this?

STRIDER:
That is a pen.

ME:
I know, but look, when you turn it upside down, her bathing suit totally slides off. Oh, did you mean the One Ring? Do you want it?

MERRY:
Why is my backpack so heavy all of a sudden?

ME:
No reason. Listen, I'm just going to find a really good tree to relieve myself behind. That one over there looks good and private. You guys go on, I'll catch right up.

ME:
Oh, my God, he has such a stick up his ass! Like if Strider had a magic invisibility ring he wouldn't pull my pants down every once in a while.

ELROND:
Strangers from distant lands, friends of old...

You've been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall.

Each race is bound to this one fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Ring, Max.

BOROMIR:
So it is true... The doom of men... It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this ring?

Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the Enemy. Let us use it against him!

ME:
Here, catch!

GIMLI:
I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf... Never trust an elf!

(All jump up and start shouting at once)

ME:
I will take it. (no one hears him the first time)
I will take it! (louder)

I will take the Ring to Mordor.

(everyone pauses and turns to look at him)

No, I'm kidding, this thing is crazy dangerous, one of you guys take it. It's just, like, everyone was getting so heavy, I thought I'd just, you know, lighten things... lighten things...

Why's everybody lookin' at me?

ME:
Look, all's I'm saying is, it's bullshit the Wookie didn't get a medal. Prejudice, right? Am I the only one drinking at this campfire? Who's hogging the elf jerky?

(The Fellowship is making its way up the mountain when Max slips and falls. When he gets up, he realizes that he is no longer wearing the Ring. We see Boromir picking it up on its chain)

ARAGORN:
Boromir!

BOROMIR:
It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing...

ARAGORN:
Boromir! Give the Ring to Max!

BOROMIR:
As you wish, I care not... Hey, where'd he go? Max? Max?

ME:
If you ask it of me, I will give you the one Ring.

GALADRIEL:
You offer it to me freely. I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this. In place of a dark lord you would have a queen, not dark but beautiful and terrible as the dawn, treacherous as the sea, stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!

(Galadriel transforms into a supernatural being, then reverts back to her previous state)

I pass the test. I will diminish, and go into the west, and remain Galadriel.

ME:
Whatever, I mean, I think you looked great, but if you don't think you should TAKE IT, TAKE IT, WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH YOU, ARE YOU ELVES ALL FUCKING CRAZY?! BOROMIR!! BOROMIR!! WHERE THE HELL IS BOROMIR?!

ME:
OOOOOooooH! WoooOOOOOOoooooo! What's holding this bacon in the air? Oh, look out Sam, HAUNTED BACON! THE HANUTED BACON OF NUMENOR!!

ME:
So, uh, I looked all through my pack, like, twice, and it's just not there, I think maybe I left it back at the, what, the place, the 'Prancing Pony', I was leaving a tip for the maid and I think I just, you know, just by accident... Oh, oh, you're right, we did see a since then, if it was that ring, but see, that's where I think we got confused, so I think the best thing would be if you guys went back to where Galadriel had that mirror, cause I know we saw a ring back there, and I'll go back to the 'Prancing Pony' and... and...

I fuckin' hate you guys.

ME:
Oh! Oh! SAM! Your frying pan's all haunted and shit! LOOK OUT!

SAM:
I made a promise, Mr. Burbank, a promise. Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee, and I don't mean to. I don't mean to...

ME:
Jesus. You're all Gay for me, aren't you? 'Oh, Oh, Let's make Max take the ring to Mount Doom and lets not bring any women at all in the whole entire fellowship!' I can't believe I didn't see it.

I mean, no offense. It's cool. You're cool. It's just...

You know, this isn't my... my kind of...

I'm strictly for the ladies, okay?

Listen, listen, this is totally awkward and now I've offended everybody, what do you say you take the ring, Sam, and we'll just call it even? Okay? Okay?

ME:
You can totally see how I thought you guys were gay, though, right? I mean, I'm fine with people being gay, I have no problem with that, and you know, you know, like, come on, no one's even SEEN a girl Dwarf, Gimli, so I hardly think it was out of line for me to assume... Oh, come ON! SERIOUSLY!

ME:
WoooooooH! I'm the ghost socks of Isildur!

ME:
Legolas is gay though, right? I mean, you know, whatever, but seriously. Oh, what, so nobody's talking to me now, right? Fine, fine, I'll just carry the friggin' one ring by myself and not talk to anybody. Know what? Know what? I'm just gonna throw it. I am. I am, I'm gonna huck this bastard as far as I can-

Okay shorty, put the axe away for Christ sake.

Fuckin' hate you guys.

ME:
Okay, okay, just shhhh, all right, stop giggling for the love of OH GREAT! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THE CAMPFIRE, IT'S A FRIGGIN' CAMPFIRE! Now everybody's awake. You are SUCH a friggin' retard Gollum! DAMN IT!

ME:
Sam, why don't you just admit it? Seriously, it's like Brokeback Friggin' Mountain plus Gollum. Brokeback friggin' Three Stooges is what. I mean it's 2008, I'm not offended, I'm flattered, I'm just not interested.

Fine, sulk.

I am so fuckin' hungry. I could eat this ring. I seriously could.

ME:
Are you cold? I am so friggin' cold. Listen, listen, listen, I tell you what, me and Gollum will take the first watch, right, you wrap up in the blankets, get some shut eye, I totally won't give him the ring while you're sleeping. Seriously, he doesn't even want it anymore, right Gollum? Right?

Oh my God you are such a friggin' crazy retard COULD YOU JUST FOR ONE SECOND PLAY ALONG?! JESUS!

I hate you, Sam. I mean it. You too, Gollum. Crazy goddamn retard. Put some clothes on. Jesus.

ME:
Oh my GOD YOU ARE THE BIGGEST GODDAMN SPIDER I EVER... TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE THE RING, IT'S SHINY, SPIDER LIKE SHINY, SPIDER LIKE SHINY, TAKE IT, TAKE IT, AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

ME:
OW!OW!OW! HE BIT MY FUCKIN' FINGER OFF! WHAT THE FUCK! I WOULD HAVE GIVEN IT TO HIM! DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU SEE THAT LITTLE BASTARD?! OW! SHIT! JESUS! Oh, DON'T TELL ME you don't have a FUCKIN' BAND-AID IN THAT BACK PACK YOU GOD DAMN SON OF A...

DAMN it!

God DAMN it!

Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, fuckin' OW!

I fuckin' hate you Sam. I am so serious.

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:


50 Sentences And 3 Pictures I've Had Hanging Around

Reader Comments

OH GOD
Mar 3rd, 2008, 04:52 AM
FRIGGIN GREAT
drifting in the void
Mar 3rd, 2008, 06:03 AM
Excellent.
pickled
Mar 3rd, 2008, 06:58 AM
I liked the part where you tried to give the ring away. Seriously.
Valkyr Addict
Mar 3rd, 2008, 09:33 AM
you lost me at "A little late for trimming the verge," then you had me again at "her bathing suit totally slides off."
Forum Virgin
Mar 3rd, 2008, 11:06 AM
I wonder how much time Bilbo spent stealing hobbit panties, i always thought he was such a little pervert
Spiteful Jerk
Mar 3rd, 2008, 12:40 PM
Yeah, they don't make suspiciously gay-looking friendships like that anymore...

And Legolas is totally gay. All elves are gay. Straight people don't have a glow like that.
after enough bourbon ...
Mar 3rd, 2008, 01:46 PM
I always wondered about Sideways, son of Hamfist and Fruity, "son" of Dildo.

Excellent piece, Max!
No Future Guy
Mar 3rd, 2008, 03:04 PM
None shall pass!
<me|yourmom> = you
Mar 3rd, 2008, 09:19 PM
Another classic piece.
Not Another Whipping Boy
Mar 3rd, 2008, 09:24 PM
so cliche it makes me want to kill again, a rare miss.
Forum Chaos Lord
Mar 3rd, 2008, 11:02 PM
Fucking Epic.
The Goddamned Batman
Mar 4th, 2008, 12:31 AM
The haunted bacon was my favorite part.
OH GOD
Mar 4th, 2008, 01:37 AM
mine too
From the Home of MST3K
Mar 4th, 2008, 08:58 AM
I'd have never been so amusing.
Itsa me!
Mar 4th, 2008, 10:23 AM
Yeah Gimli, never trust an elf.

Pointy eared bastards...
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Mar 4th, 2008, 07:57 PM
damn ridiculous, but i read it all.
and yes, the trend now seems to be towards manlier and manlier women and more and more feminine guys with tight jeans and long hair.
iono why, but its happening.
if youre gay, its ok,
but this is just odd.
Freelance Product Tester
Mar 4th, 2008, 11:10 PM
I like how you can write dialog that seems so real.
Deadite
Mar 5th, 2008, 02:01 AM
HA HA, that was awesome. I especially liked the gay comments and the random haunted things.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Mar 5th, 2008, 10:37 AM
Thanks, folks
Smooth Operator
Mar 6th, 2008, 05:16 AM
My response when told that I'd have to toss the ring into Mount Doom;

"Fuck this shit, I'm going home to get toasted and play Resident Evil 4 until the world ends."
OH GOD
Mar 6th, 2008, 06:44 AM
my question is, what happens if you put a Ring of Power on your w*ener
Ancient Mariner
Mar 6th, 2008, 03:05 PM
You might give sauron the aids
Flying Finn
Mar 7th, 2008, 04:30 AM
Great piece Max...great indeed.
Can You See Me Now?
May 8th, 2008, 01:55 AM
Quote:
Fuckin' hate you guys.
Oh my god. That piece was brilliant!

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