Please don't feed PickleMan
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by: Max Burbank

OMG, here it is the new year already so anyways; I canít believe itís almost three months since I joined this community and I know I donít like, LIVE HERE the way I used to so if you are a newbie and donít know who I am fuck you; OK. Anyways, LOL, if you donít know who I am you are LMAO. No, just kidding. NOT!!!

So I got to thinking maybe my spending, like, most of my time on-line with people I donít know just because they share a rather unique and frowned upon INTEREST is maybe NOT the most mature thing in the world? And also I got to thinking that whereas Iíve been telling you all Iím a hot chick when in point of fact I am such a morbidly obese gentleman I have to use the JAWS OF LIFE just to get into the BATHROOM of my DOUBLE WIDE, and also Iím not fifteen? Or a model? Well, anyways, maybe some of you other ĎHot Chicksí are also lying and I feel kind of sick because, To be blunt ĎWhen I think About You, I Touch Myself.í OMG I am so drunk but that song was great. The point is Iím sorry I lied. Sort of. I mean, I do think about sex all the time but Iím not a ĎBarely Legalí constantly mistaken for Liv Tyler. I do have pointed ears, but they only stay on with lots of spirit gum and they came in a baggie and I bought them at a convention and also? I think they were to be Tuvok? ĎCause the skin tone is wrong. For me anyway.

So my new years resolution is NOT to DO the thing we gather here to discuss ANY MORE! Or at least cut down on it. Anyways not talk to you losers about it. Oh and also if I find a pastry that I hid and itís more than a year past the expiration date? NOT eat it. And talk to my Mom in other ways besides parroting back what she just said in a nasty, high-pitched imitation of her, at least in and around the days she gets her chemo. Or get better at doing her voice, because truth be told it just doesnít sound at all like her. Oh, and if when I find a pastry thatís more than a year past itís expiration date and I feel myself even marginally leaning toward doing that other thing with it? Eat it right away. And if I do the other thing? NOT get online and tell you all. I mean, honestly, teenage promiscuous runaway or not, that is just gross. Some things cannot be moderated, even by hotness. So YES, I AM ashamed and YOU should be TOO! It ISNíT nice and it ISNíT empowering and thereís a reason our ĎCommunityí isnít out their chanting "Weíre here, weíre doing unspeakable things with expired pastry, get used to it." That being said if anyone out there has the link to the Romulan/Olive Oil/Hostess Snowball; Best Before 6/30/76, I lost my bookmarks when my computer crashed last month. I mean, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, "If thereís one thing I canít avoid, itís looking at pictures of sci-fi aliens finding release with a coconut covered ball of dough." And I want that picture to remember what Iím NOT going to do anymore because I am OFF the Internet ONCE and FOR ALL! So donít PM me begging me to come back, Donít Flame me on the board thinking thatíll get me mad enough to come back because Iím not even going to READ this thing ANYMORE! And Before Militant Twinkie blows crŤme out his blowhole at me, no, lurking and looking at pics is NOT THE SAME THING and using your moderator status to inform people I am in a VIOLATION OF MY PRIVACY and VERY IMMATURE, and NOBODY thinks you are a ĎLanky, Redheaded Tomboyí and the picture you posted can be found in frames for sale at Walmarts all over the country.

So thatís it for me and this time I mean it, not like on my birthday, I was SO drunk that time I passed out in front of the door and Mom missed her chemo and got totally mad at me, like missing her chemo was MY fault and saying she couldnít climb over me was so TOTALLY passive aggressive all I could do was go "Oh, My name is Mom and I missed my chemo because Iím so lame I couldnít climb over you" in this really high pitched imitation of her. And then I got to thinking how it didnít sound all that much like her and I had a shame spiral. And I found this really old Ring Ding? And I was gonna eat it? But than the other thing happened and initially it felt great and then my shame spiral got worse because I had to admit to myself I pretended I was Seven of Nine. And I pretended the Ding-Dong was a Yodel. Not that itís any of your business. Get your goddamn thrills somewhere else. I am like totally too busy for you since Iím meeting some friends of mine at the mall to get a shirt that shows my belly piercing and Darryl said heíd pay to get me my Twinkie The Kid touching his ass and saying "Too Hot For You" Tattoo. The Tattoo guy wants me to model for him, right? And Iím like all, Nah, Iíll just do you for free piercings. Anyways, later.

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