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MCTERROR
by: Protoclown

I won't eat at McDonalds anymore, not only because it's quite probably the most wretched and vile eatery this side of Taco Bell, but mainly because I used to work there in high school. I know the horrible things that go on underneath those diseased-piss-yellow arches, but none of that inside knowledge I acquired during my tenure there is as horrible as what I have recently discovered.

I used to work back in the grill, where all the really nasty shit went down. I have witnessed things back there that would turn your stomach, and that's just in the normal food preparation, not even beginning to count all the disgusting things people did to fuck around. Still, those memories are a pleasant escape compared to what I noticed on my last drive by a McDonalds.

I mean, this is worse than the time that we built a cheese ramp and launched happy meal Hot Wheels toys into the grease vat where we cooked the fish and chicken, where melting plastic lay in the bottom of the vat to be mixed in with the food for the duration of the day. This is worse than the time that one of the guys back in the grill decided to microwave a cup of his own shit, just to see the look on someone else's face when they opened the beeping microwave door.

Or the time that one of the grill employees captured an annoying fly in a folded piece of cheese, and then decided to place it on a burger when some asshole that nobody liked came in and made a special order. He got an extra special surprise with his order that day, and never came back to complain either. This also gives me greater chills than the time that somebody decided to take a piss in the spray bottle of cleansing solution that was later taken out by the employee who cleaned the lobby and sprayed on every single table in the building, never knowing why the solution smelled extra strong that day.

These things I can accept, because they are synonymous with the very idea of McDonalds. When one thinks of McDonalds, vermin, disease, and violently explosive bodily waste all quickly come to mind. These things all go hand in hand and fall neatly into the natural order of the universe. What I absolutely CANNOT accept in association with McDonalds is the fact that they are now serving FUCKING HOT DOGS. Maybe this isn't new to you and your area, but this is like the introduction of a terrible new plague to me and mine. Perhaps you can't understand why I'm so upset about this, but think about it...hot dogs were already bad enough WITHOUT intervention by McDonalds. Already you were getting the lowest common denominator of food product. And now McDonalds is getting their grubby little wart-covered hands all over them. I mean, this makes the crates of "GRADE F BUT EDIBLE" meat that were discovered outside one of my college's dining halls seem like a feast worthy of the gods by comparison.

It fills me with chills to think of how many poor dead Mexican children have probably already been consumed by obese Americans, in the innocent guise of phallic bun-encased pseudo-meat product. If the origins of hot dog composition weren't mysterious enough before, it's really ANYBODY'S fucking guess as to what's in THESE wretched things once they run the gauntlet through McDonalds' trials of meat preparation.

And what's even more insane about the whole thing is that in the meantime, you have a group of fat guys suing the fast food industry for making them fat, while they seem to be overlooking the cancer, scurvy, stomach ulcers, and ass rot it has also surely bestowed upon them. Oh, and vegetarians are getting whiney and upset about the fact that there are small amounts of animal fat in the vegetable oil. Meanwhile, Bob the disgruntled maintenance man, a Vietnam vet, who in between bouts of threatening coworkers with a knife and screaming curses at the Vietcong, decides it would be fun to take a piss in the vat where the fries are cooked. Personally, I'd be a little more worried about THAT than the animal fat.


Ronald introduces the new surprises you'll
be receiving with your hotdog happy meal!

My point is that we are becoming distracted by these insignificant things that we should expect anyway, while the TRUE EVIL, the hot dogs, are allowed to continue and thrive right under our very noses. I suspect these distractions may have been created BY McDonalds to act as a smokescreen for their sinister plan. We continue to look for terrorism from overseas, while we ignore it as it takes place within our own borders. Because if the horrible blood-vessel-bursting, going-to-need-new-wallpaper-from-all-the-explosive-splashing-diarrhea shits that will result from this new item on the menu don't say "terror", I don't know what does.

note: The last time Protoclown ate at McDonalds, his shit was green for a week.


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