I won't eat at McDonalds anymore, not only because it's quite
probably the most wretched and vile eatery this side of Taco
Bell, but mainly because I used to work there in high school. I
know the horrible things that go on underneath those
diseased-piss-yellow arches, but none of that inside knowledge I
acquired during my tenure there is as horrible as what I have
I used to work back in the grill, where all the really nasty
shit went down. I have witnessed things back there that would
turn your stomach, and that's just in the normal food
preparation, not even beginning to count all the disgusting
things people did to fuck around. Still, those memories are a
pleasant escape compared to what I noticed on my last drive by a
I mean, this is worse than the time that we built a cheese ramp
and launched happy meal Hot Wheels toys into the grease vat
where we cooked the fish and chicken, where melting plastic lay
in the bottom of the vat to be mixed in with the food for the
duration of the day. This is worse than the time that one of the
guys back in the grill decided to microwave a cup of his own
shit, just to see the look on someone else's face when they
opened the beeping microwave door.
Or the time that one of the grill employees captured an annoying
fly in a folded piece of cheese, and then decided to place it on
a burger when some asshole that nobody liked came in and made a
special order. He got an extra special surprise with his order
that day, and never came back to complain either. This also
gives me greater chills than the time that somebody decided to
take a piss in the spray bottle of cleansing solution that was
later taken out by the employee who cleaned the lobby and
sprayed on every single table in the building, never knowing why
the solution smelled extra strong that day.
These things I can accept, because they are synonymous with the
very idea of McDonalds. When one thinks of McDonalds, vermin,
disease, and violently explosive bodily waste all quickly come
to mind. These things all go hand in hand and fall neatly into
the natural order of the universe. What I absolutely CANNOT
accept in association with McDonalds is the fact that they are
now serving FUCKING HOT DOGS. Maybe this isn't new to you and
your area, but this is like the introduction of a terrible new
plague to me and mine. Perhaps you can't understand why I'm so
upset about this, but think about it...hot dogs were already bad
enough WITHOUT intervention by McDonalds. Already you were
getting the lowest common denominator of food product. And now
McDonalds is getting their grubby little wart-covered hands all
over them. I mean, this makes the crates of "GRADE F BUT EDIBLE"
meat that were discovered outside one of my college's dining
halls seem like a feast worthy of the gods by comparison.
It fills me with chills to think of how many poor dead Mexican
children have probably already been consumed by obese Americans,
in the innocent guise of phallic bun-encased pseudo-meat
product. If the origins of hot dog composition weren't
mysterious enough before, it's really ANYBODY'S fucking guess as
to what's in THESE wretched things once they run the gauntlet
through McDonalds' trials of meat preparation.
And what's even more insane about the whole thing is that in the
meantime, you have a group of fat guys suing the fast food
industry for making them fat, while they seem to be overlooking
the cancer, scurvy, stomach ulcers, and ass rot it has also
surely bestowed upon them. Oh, and vegetarians are getting
whiney and upset about the fact that there are small amounts of
animal fat in the vegetable oil. Meanwhile, Bob the disgruntled
maintenance man, a Vietnam vet, who in between bouts of
threatening coworkers with a knife and screaming curses at the
Vietcong, decides it would be fun to take a piss in the vat
where the fries are cooked. Personally, I'd be a little more
worried about THAT than the animal fat.
Ronald introduces the new surprises you'll
be receiving with your hotdog happy meal!
My point is that we are becoming distracted by these
insignificant things that we should expect anyway, while the
TRUE EVIL, the hot dogs, are allowed to continue and thrive
right under our very noses. I suspect these distractions may
have been created BY McDonalds to act as a smokescreen for their
sinister plan. We continue to look for terrorism from overseas,
while we ignore it as it takes place within our own borders.
Because if the horrible blood-vessel-bursting,
shits that will result from this new item on the menu don't say
"terror", I don't know what does.
The last time Protoclown ate at McDonalds, his shit was green
for a week.