Please don't feed PickleMan
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by: Max Burbank

To: Employees of America below Management Level
CC: Their Dependants
From: 'The Man’
Date: 12/16/00
Subject: Re: Restructurage

I’m sure everyone has noticed the steady decline in numbers this fall. It’s always unsettling when any kind of number gets smaller instead of bigger, and there's been a lot of alarmist loose talk about institution wide degrowthage. To put an end to the rumors, I’ve had Accounting do that thing they do with their ‘computers’ and the board and I have come to an egreeage that while this is certainly not a Recession, it is a significant fall in general economic activity over a sustained period. After lengthy discussion interrupted only by an increase in my stock options and promotion of all VP’s to VP II, we feel our institution is in need of some long overdue readjustmentage. Since we know the workforce tends to view change with suspicion, paranoia and outright terror, trembling before it and us like some Dusky, Stone-Age Boogie confronted by internal combustion engines and ‘fire sticks’, we’ve issued this memo outlining the evolvage we’ll all be undergoing in the near future, which is to say as soon as you’re done reading this.

  • All Temporary staff hired to replace Full Time Employees (hereafter FTE’s) terminated during the last economic downturn will be terminated. Their job descriptions will undergo a process of foldage into currently existing employment profiles. We are aware that many of you have established relationships with some of our Temps, particularly those who have been here in excess of a decade. We ask that you remember they were always aware of their employment status and that eventual de-employment was always a part of their job profile. We ask also that you keep in mind the kind of weasely, backbiting, office supply black marketeering filth that choose to work as a Temps.

  • All currently posted openings for FTE’s, Full time Temps, Temps, Casual Temps and Temps who are in every way the same as FTE’s except for being called Temps and getting no benefits, have been restructured so as to not exist anymore. Those job duties will undergo foldage into existing Employee Accountability statements.

  • Job grades 3-7 are now Grades 1-4. Job Grades 8-10 are now ‘Unpublished Exempt’. Former Grades 5-7 are now unposted job vacancies undergoing review prior to extended nonfillage. Job Grades 1 and 2 will have been escorted off the premises by security well before reaching this paragraph.

  • Many staff will be required to volunteer to absorb floating duties as part of an overall streamlining of multitaskage. Your direct supervisor will provide gloves, brushes and where necessary, breathing apparatus.

  • ‘Downsizing’. Discussions of ‘Downsizing’ are very bad for moral. Staff Discussion of ‘Downsizing’, related topics, use of the word ‘down’ in other contexts or words that are code for or rhyme with ‘downsizing’ such as the recently popular ‘bownbizing’ or excessive frowning indicative of recent discussions of ‘downsizing’ will result in immediate termination.

  • Mandatory Volunteerage will be required to fill extra shift vacancies created by departmental reorganizationage as part of their accountabilities, foldage-wise. Available shifts currently in need of fillage include Christmas Eve, Christmas day, New Years Eve, New Years Day and any time your kid is sick. 

In closing, I’d like to wish you all a Happy whatever the hell your kind celebrates in lieu of a real holiday and to say thanks for helping us amass the huge profits of the last few years. It seems unfortunate we squandered them instead of shoring up your job security, but hindsight is always 20/20. Our primary responsibility is, as always, to the stockholders for whom we’d grind you up and feed you to their pets if there was a profit margin a good chance we wouldn’t get caught.

note: -RoG- will soon be replacing all I-Mockery staff members and voluntary writers with robots. All ex-staff members and writers will be required to pay these robots an annual salary for doing the work that the ex-staff members and writers couldn't do.

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