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by: Max Burbank

DATE: May 24, 2001
TO: All full time staff
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: RE: Temporary employee ID badges

It has recently come to our attention that some staff find the ‘large yellow dot’ on the Temporary Staff ID badge troubling. Apparently the yellow dot we use brings unpleasant associations to mind for some of our staff, specifically the yellow star Nazi Germany required those under their jurisdiction of Jewish extraction to wear.

This opinion was brought before EMTF (Employee Morale Task Force) at it’s next regular quarterly meeting, and while the task force felt the association between our identifying ‘Large Yellow Dot’ and the infamous Yellow Star was a bit of a stretch, they did want Jewish staff to know that their experience of said Dots had been validated. It was the decision of EMTF to replace the ‘large yellow dots’ with ‘large orange dots’ as soon as the current supply of yellow dots is used up.

As the issue has been raised, we at HR want to take the time to reinforce that while we certainly intended no mental association with the Nazi party specifically or Fascism generally, easy identification of Temporary staff is necessary. As regular, full time, benefits eligible staff, you are entitled to various privileges at this institution which our temporary employees do not and cannot enjoy. It would not be financially responsible to extend the 10% coffee discount, parking, or the ‘You’re Tops!’ motivation award program to our temporary employees, any more than we could allow them sick time, paid vacation or absence without pay.

Our security staff in particular need to be able to rapidly identify an employee as temporary or non temporary. Research has shown Temporary staff do not have the degree of loyalty to institutions shown by non temporary staff. They are more likely to engage in office theft, petty vandalism an other work related ‘shenanigans’. It would not be an effective use of our security resources to have them covertly observe employees for a full shift only to realize that this employee was non temporary.

Human Resources needs to readily identify temporary employees. How would you feel if an internal promotion you had applied for went instead to a Temp? What if our garage attendants allowed a Temp’s vehicle to occupy a space that might otherwise have been filled by your car? As you walk through the rain will you thank us for our equanimity? Suppose a Temp wanted to use your cubicle on your day(s) off? What if they wanted to personalize it, as you are allowed to do, providing your decoration falls with the parameters clearly defined in your ECPHB (Employee Cubicle Personalization Hand Book)?

In addition, while some staff may find it an unsavory detail, there are legal differences between Full Time and Temporary Employment. Were one of our security staff to unintentionally injure you on the property, your medical costs and salary would fall under Worker’s Compensation. When Security sees your ID badge (which I’ll take the opportunity to remind you must be worn above the waist and clearly visible at all times) is Dot Free, they will exercise a degree of caution it would not be productive to indulge for all our employees. Please consider for a moment the vast number and high turn over of temporary staff. Security cannot be expected to remember their faces or names. As they outnumber you six to one, the only way other than clearly visible identification to deal with these problems would be to sit down with our legal division and discuss the ramifications of treating as, and/or making all employees temporary. This could easily be discussed at the next regular quarterly meeting of EMTF, and will be addressed in the upcoming EHBAG;GTWDPRSOAWSYWMLCYA (Employee Hand Book Appendix G; Guidelines for Termination at Will, Disciplinary Privilege Relinquishment Schedules and Other Assorted Ways of Showing You what a Meaningless Little Cog You Are)

With all due respect, and I think you’ll agree an admirable amount of patience, Temporary employees are Temporary for a reason. Are you a Temp? Of course not. I’m sure you find the question as ludicrous to pose as I. You have full time employment because your capable of it, and if they were, they would too. No one should mistake, however, their own non temp status with a guarantee of continued employment. Evaluation is in less than a month and I would refer you to the Memo of 12/23/01, ‘Results of EETF (Evaluation Evaluation Task Force)’, specifically the implementation of the new Evaluation Category, Team Playerness. Any grade bellow ‘Consistently Meets Expectations’ in Team Playerness will result in an overall evaluation no greater than ‘Partially Meets Expectations’, which, as you all know, incurs a wage freeze for anyone outside the first quartile of employment. We would advise you consider this the next time you and your lousy Temp buddies gather in some shitty bar to bitch about management. They are not your friends. They’d hand us your nuts in a baggy for a coffee discount, and some of them have. 

In closing we want to remind you that Staff Appreciation day is rapidly approaching. We still don’t have anyone for face painting or potato salad and please do remember, this is Staff appreciation day, not our annual Holiday Fest. Family and/or dates are not permitted. Attendance is mandatory.

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