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by: Protoclown

I remember at the end of last year, all you heard about on the news was the end of the millennium, how the apocalypse was coming, and a whole bunch of Y2K silliness. Yes, apparently the Russian nukes, running on Atari 2600 technology, were going to just launch for no good reason at all and destroy everybody. Jesus was going to return (but in what time zone?), and the Four Horsemen were going to ride all over world, blasting everything into oblivion. Ah yes, that was a stupid time, but an amusing one. I love watching morons get totally worked up over something completely stupid, so last year I had a field day.

I must admit, I thought that there would be more crazies out running around killing people, trying to create "new millennium trouble" themselves. Especially when all that dynamite was stolen from the LAPD (I believe it was them, if memory serves). But alas, the dynamite was never used, and no mad bomber terrorists attacked the masses at Times Square.

And every, and I mean EVERY local radio station played that loathsome Prince song "Weíre Gonna Party Like itís 1999" just after midnight...do people actually still listen to Prince? Has our civilization still not advanced past that stage? Apparently some people think heís some kind of musical genius. But then, they think the same thing of that brazen whore Britney Spears. We will not mention this topic again, lest I fly into a frothing rage.

Anyway, now that the "REAL" new millennium is here, nobody seems to care. Nobodyís mentioning it at all, as if it already happened or something. The fact is that since there was no year 0 on our calendar, 2001 is actually the first year of the new millennium, not 2000 as everyone seems to believe.

Back at the end of 1899, they didnít celebrate the end of the century, they celebrated the end of the year. They didnít celebrate the end of the century until December 31, 1900, because thatís when it happened. They KNEW shit back then, people! People still read books and everything. Those were wild times! Either weíve become a lot dumber in 100 years, or weíve become apathetic. Given all the shit Iíve observed in my short lifetime, Iím willing to believe that weíve become a little of both.

I must admit to being a bit surprised though, that people havenít really been using this "Oh, we just discovered that THIS is the real new millennium" thing as an excuse to party to insane excesses again this year. I donít know whether to be pleased or disappointed. I guess it really depends on whether this is a time of lucid reflection on the previous years, or painful ignorance of the arbitrarily chosen truth.

Yes, when you really sit back and think about it, ALL of these dates are actually quite arbitrary. In fact, thereís not a second of any day that that a new millennium isnít passing by. Why donít we celebrate the new millennium every fucking day? We should all just quit our jobs in observance of these new holidays, and just party like madmen all the time.

We can let our society dissolve into absolute anarchy and start killing each other, only to eventually lose all of our technology and start living in caves. Then we can let the apes take over the earth. Hey, I think I saw a movie about that somewhere...but anyway, who picks these fucking dates anyway? Why does February only have 28 days? Why canít it be August? Speaking of August, why is it the only month that doesnít have any holidays in it? Who decides this shit????

Anyway, all I know is that apparently, based on some arbitrary decisions hundreds of years ago by some arbitrarily chosen people, this is supposedly the end of an arbitrary millennium. So go out and celebrate or something. But if I hear that fucking Prince shit on the radio this year, Iím going to be one of the first to start throwing my own feces and running for the caves. You have been warned. 

note: Protoclown celebrated last yearís false arbitrary millennium by burning voodoo doll effigies of people he doesnít like.

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