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by: -RoG-

I'm sure all of you have heard by now about how "Taco Bell is offering a free taco to everyone in the United States if the core of the Mir space station hits a floating Taco Bell target placed in the South Pacific". It's a 40 by 40-foot floating target that says "Free Taco Here". Now I'm sure there are some idiots out there that are going to be planning their week around getting that Taco for free. But, COME ON... it's a measly 50 cent taco that is of such low quality that a starving homeless man would turn it down if you offered it to him. For an event like the Mir space station returning to earth, that's supposed to be very big and important, you'd think someone could come up with something better than "Hey! Free tacos for everybody!".

So this got me thinking to myself, "What would be a good promotion for the landing of the Mir Space Station"? Oh how the possibilities are endless...

First thing that came to mind was, "Nobody pays taxes for the next year if the Mir Space station lands on our floating target!". Wouldn't that be great? Not having to pay taxes for an entire year. Hell, it's a big event, how about no taxes for the rest of our lives? Works for me! The thought of no taxes makes me drool like Homer Simpson over a frothy beer... but I'll save my rants about the absurdity of taxes for another time.

Next, if people insist on getting a free meal for the landing of the Mir space station, how about we make it a GOOD meal? Not some regurgitated cat furball shoved into a taco shell. Something like, "Free dinner at Ruth's Chris Steak House for everyone in the United States if the Mir Space station lands on our floating target!" Now, I've never had a meal at that place, nor will I ever have a meal there because I refuse to pay 80-100 bucks for ANY meal. But, I would be first in line if they were going to be handing out free steak meals to everybody. You people can have your guaranteed diarrhea episodes from Taco Bell, I want some REAL meat.

Or how about something like, "Everyone in the United States gets to punch George 'Dubya' Bush in the stomach if the Mir Space station lands on our floating target!". Just imagine walking up to the dumb bastard while he's giving a speech on his latest "strategery" and socking it to him. You know, I bet more people would become astronauts if they could rest assured that their work would guarantee that every citizen could punch the President in the stomach. Something for NASA to consider at least...

Another good idea, "Everyone in the United States gets to pummel Regis from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and donate the money from that program to any charity that they see fit!" Wouldn't it be great to be on top of Regis, smashing his face in with a brick while shouting, "This is for the starving children in Ethiopia, Regis!" or "Hey Regis, you little shit, I'm doing this to increase cancer research funds!". 

Well, we all know that none of these things are going to happen, because... well, quite frankly: LIFE SUCKS. But the VERY LEAST NASA could do is land the Mir space station on something more amusing that a floating promotion for Taco Bell.

Seriously, if you worked at NASA you could land that thing on just about anything you wanted and then blame it on "a computer error"! If I worked there I would have a blast with that. Land it on the Whitehouse, land it on a white power rally, land it on anti-abortionists, land it on a rave, land it on a church, land it on a fraternity, land it on a country club, land it on a mansion that is owned by some bastard pop/rap/whatever star that I've never even heard of who owns 20 cars that each cost more than I'll ever make in my entire life and who considers donating 1000 bux a year out of his/her HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS to something as being "charitable". Come on NASA! Land that sucker on something that really deserves to be destroyed for crissakes!

target acquired: Puff Daddy's Mansion.

Well... I can dream can't I?

note: -RoG- hopes NASA doesn't try to land the Mir space station on his ass, just in case they're reading this.

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