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Haven’t read Chapters 1 and 2?
Go back and read them now or this
won’t make one damn bit of sense.
Here’s a poser. What’s the difference between a great leader and
a bully? I’ll give you a hint. When Doug Macarthur got his ass
canned by Eisenhower he said, "I shall return". When Celine Dion
sneezed a JellyBean right through Barbara Walter’s skull, Oprah
fainted.
That’s right. The Great Oprah Winfrey keeled over like a drunken
sorority pledge. I have to say I was surprised. I once saw her
sucker punch a Sarah Lawrence intern for microwaving her baked
potato too long; and when the kid was down? O shaved her head
with a letter opener. I guess accessory to murder crossed some
sort of interior line in the sand. I know she’d been kind of
squirrelly and paranoid about the whole menacing, gigantic, bull
dyke scene ever since Rosie went public, and maybe the thought
of hard time in the joint just proved too much for her.
Someone had to take command of the situation. It sure as hell
wasn’t going to be Celine, who at the best of times had the
constitution of an insane Canadian Gerbil with Attention Deficit
Disorder. As a material witness there was no way we were leaving
Meredith at the crime scene and since cheek gouging, eye rolling
and Monkey calls are generally not on a short list of leadership
qualities, it was doubtful she’d take the reins. That left me
and the Pakistani guy under the counter.
"Celine. Get O in the car." I said slowly, looking her straight
in the eye.
"But, but, but what about Ms. Wal-TAIRS? I seenk my Szelly-Bean,
it take her whole brain out ze back her head, non?"
"Celine," I reassured her, "Listen to me. I’ll put your eye out.
I’m not kidding. If you don’t get Oprah into the car right now,
I’m going to stick my thumb right into your left eye and pop it
out just like Little Jack Horner getting his Christmas Plumb.
Sammy Davis Junior had enough panache to play arena venues with
a glass eye. Do you?" She went.
"Viera," I said, "Mer. You’re going to have to pull it together
now. I’m taking off and if you stay here the fuzz will pin the
rap on you."
"But… but…" The aging former news gal sputtered, "The counter
guy-"
"I’M BEHIND THE COUNTER, CROUCHING!" he shrieked helpfully,
"I’VE BEEN DOWN HERE SINCE MS. WALTERS WALKED IN! I DON’T WANT
ANY TROUBLE! I ONLY GET MINIMUM WAGE AND THE SEVEN ELEVEN
CORPORATION DOES NOT GIVE PAID TIME OFF TO TESTIFY IN CRIMINAL
PROCEEDINGS!"
"The security camera-"
"IS PERMANENTLY FOCUSED ON THE VERY COUNTER I AM NOW CROUCHING
BEHIND! SINCE DECEMBER OF LAST YEAR THE SEVEN ELEVEN CORPORATION
HAS BEEN USING THE SECURITY CAMERA SYSTEM TO ENSURE IT’S
EMPLOYEES DO NOT ENJOY THE PORNOGRAPHY INVENTORY WITHOUT PAYING
FOR IT!"
She headed out to the parking lot and for a moment it was just
me, the guy under the counter, and Walter’s corpse. I thought
about closing her eyes, but that would have meant touching her,
and besides, the surprised look on her corrupt, hateful mug was
the only silver lining my cloud had at the moment. I’ll tell you
the truth; I was pretty badly shaken. Not so shaken I didn’t
grab a box of Teddy Grahams on the way out. The ones with the
tiny chocolate chips in ‘em. Stealing is a filthy habit, but I
was broke, and those things are awesome. Anyone says different
is a GodDamn liar.
For a miracle, Dion had the common sense to stow Oprah in the
back. She was trying to teach our erstwhile leader some sort of
Quebecois hand slapping game, which is always amusing when one
of the participants is in shock.
I climbed behind the wheel, shoved a handful of sweet, sweet
Teddy Grahams into my mouth and found out just how fast O’s ride
went from 0 to 60.
"Celine," I said, a fine mist of broken Teddy Bear shaped cookie
bits spraying the windscreen, "Put the Jelly Beans in the front
seat."
"Que? But… but non, zey are mine! I won’ put zem up my nose a-gan,
I only will eat of zem! Renne gave zem to me, ‘ee say "Ere,
Celine, ‘ave some zselly BEAN for da’ road, non? I’m your
mana-jair an’ us-BOND even zo I’m old enough to be your
gran-fa-ZAIR, so ‘ave ze szelly BEAN, non?’"
"Put… the beans…" I said, testing my teeth to see how much jaw
pressure it would take to splinter them, "in… the… front."
"NON!" she brayed hysterically, pressing the greasy zip lock to
her bony chest, "NON, ZAY ARE ZE GIFT! ZE GIFT OF HEES HEART! I
WILL NEVAIR GIVE ZEM UP!"
"THAT’S WHAT DEGAUL SAID, AND ABOUT FIVE MINUTES LATER THE
NAZI’S WHERE DANCING IN THE CHAMPS ALIZE, YOU CRAZY BITCH!" I
hollered, flailing spastically over my shoulder at her. The car
lurched into the guardrail and sparks flew. Meredith wailed and
started reflexively hitting me in the side of the head. She must
have been flashing back to our romance. And here’s the sad
truth. I’m pretty sure DeGaul never said word one about
JellyBeans.
"Pull over" Oprah muttered, and we got quiet. All you could hear
was the roar of the engine and the guardrail slowly eating
through the passenger side of the car.
"Pull over" she said again. Ever seen "The Seventh Seal"? Black
and White Bergman flick? Max Von Sydow plays chess with Death?
When Death says, "It’s your move"? That’s what O sounded like.
But who am I kidding? You’ve never seen that movie. And there’s
nothing in "Porkies" even remotely like the moment I’m
describing. Maybe something from "Dude, here’s my Car?" but I
was totally messed up on cough syrup when I saw that and I ended
up in the tank with a guy named Norge who insisted I’d promised
him dinner at Arby’s, so I can’t say. The point is, screw you. I
pulled over.
"Viera. Get in the back," Said O opening her door. "You. Slide
over. I drive."
Remember what I said about 0 to 60? Oprah’s wheels did 60 to 120
in half that time.
"I’ll tell you what," She said, "This is getting fixed. I am not
taking the fall. Celine. Put the beans in the front."
"But-"
"Do it. If it seems easier I’ll drop you off at the next police
station. And you," she said without even looking my way, "Keep
your eyes peeled for a liquor store. I got a powerful thirst.
And give me those damn Teddy Grahams."
Continue onward to
Chapter IV
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