Please don't feed PickleMan
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by: Max Burbank

"Hi, God, it's just me, just the nightly prayer and I guess most people still think I don't believe in You but we know different, don't we? Everybody think I'm just all ha-ha cynical joke boy and I don't have a spiritual bone in my body but I guess the joke is on them and I wouldn't say 'no' if it turned out to be a physically painful practical joke either, though that's, as always, entirely up to You.

So, okay, anyway, God, I just want to thank You for the weather today, sunny and in the mid seventies which is just what I like, so kudos there. In fact I'd like to thank You for the whole day in general which was great except for the part where I stubbed my broken toe which I'll be damned if I'll thank You for, pardon my French, God. I mean, I know supposedly you never give anyone more than they can bare, but come on, that really hurt and You know that toe is broken, You know what that feels like, You being the one who made it one of the bones in the body that doctors can't do fuck all for when it's broken. Oh, and I'm really not that thankful for when Dave stuck his head over the top of my cubicle and said "Workin' hard or hardly workin' there, Max?" which made me so mad I had to take, like, two hours for lunch. But otherwise, great day, seriously, so thanks.

Oh, and thanks for continuing to help me lose weight, the wife thinks I'm totally sticking to my diet even though I'm eating like a pig, I don't know what you're doing but keep it up, it's great. Unless I have cancer in which case fuck You, that's not funny.

Oh, let's see now, thanks for my Wife, she's really patient and that's good and she really believes in You which certainly makes things easier on me and just maybe make her a little more grateful for all the shit I do, or, you know, more aware of the incredible amount of shit I do which seems to be pretty much invisible to her or maybe just help me out with my temper but seriously, she's great and way prettier than I should have ended up with, I think we both know that, although maybe that's just your idea of a joke, but I'll take what I can get and she looks great. Thanks for my kids, they're great, if you could make them listen a little more that would be great, but they're great, so thanks, and please, please, I know I've said this before but just let me have a stroke before they grow boobs. You and I both know what boys are like and I could not cope with a bunch of open mouthed, gangly, adolescent, big trousered morons milling around my yard like dogs in heat. I mean, I'm not serious about the stroke; you know that, so I don't know, maybe just make my kids a little gay. But with nice girlfriends, okay? I can't deal with that big shouldered thing. No one with bigger arms than mine. Just nice. But not too nice. Nothing complicated. You know.

Okay, okay, what else lord, OH! Do NOT let me forget the sour cream next time I go shopping, I swear to God if I have to listen to the Wife tell me my not buying fucking sour cream is passive aggressive I'm just going to take a hammer to my own head and if I'm going to do something stupid like say "I know a way you could be sure there was sour cream, you could buy the sour cream yourself and do the rest of the damn grocery shopping while you were at it" can you just have me think it and not say it? I mean come on. Let's be serious. What is that? Oh and if you could make bad stuff happen to all the people I don't like that would be great. Not super bad stuff, just like constant heartburn or car trouble, you know, the kind of stuff that's not so bad in the grand scheme of things but pretty much keeps them from enjoying anything that's good about life. You know the guys I'm talking about. And, like, mouth boils for Dave because he's a total fuck and if you don't do something I will.

Anyway, that's about it, I hope you sleep good and remember that if I'm going to die tonight I don't want it in my sleep, I want to wake up first unless it's someone killing me in which case I'd just as soon sleep through it, but if it's natural causes, please, wake me up. I slept through the total eclipse of the moon when I was seven; I sure as hell don't want to sleep through my own damn death. If tonight's not the night though, that's fine, just please keep it in the back of your head I'm one of the awake guys, not one of the asleep guys. Okay, so, great, God, until tomorrow and just watch the toe, or heal it, or whatever. Don't let me tell you what to do.


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