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NEW GAME SHOWS
by: Protoclown

I don't watch much television at all, but even I am vaguely aware of the rash of completely stupid new game shows that seem to be popping up like diseased boners all over the place. Normally, this wouldn't bother me much, because as I already said, I don't watch a lot of television. But the mere existence of these new game shows offends me, taking the worst elements of shitty entertainment like Survivor and combining that with embarrassingly simple questions that your average fifth grader should be able to answer with ease.

As I sat down one Sunday evening to watch The Simpsons, I had the horrible surprise of finding out that it was pre-empted by an "exciting sneak preview" of a new game show called "The Chamber" (which has just been cancelled, fittingly enough). I'm sure some of you out there have seen this, where they strap someone into a perilous rotating chair and throw them into a giant Easy Bake oven, and force them to answer a barrage of stupid questions as blood rushes to their head and flames burn the flesh off their face. And if that wasn't exciting enough for you, they have the ARBITRARY NUMBER METER, constantly keeping track on the contestant's progress as they face certain embarrassment in front of the vapid audience. "Uh oh! Looks like Bob is reaching his DANGER LEVEL, he's approaching a rating of nearly 300!" What this 300 actually represents, they never say. If it's heartbeats per minute, consider me impressed.

Evidently, given the show's recent cancellation, this tried-and-true formula for television feces just didn't cut it. It must not have been exciting enough. No one died, after all. Don't let the overall compassion of recent months fool you, we're still a nation of bloodthirsty bastards, eagerly awaiting the next wanton display of morbid violence, so long as the person being killed or maimed signed a waiver beforehand, of course. And I am SURE the TV executives have that in mind as they plan and prepare the next big season of game show entertainment.

I happen to know an "insider" in the industry, and they were able to drop a few little scoops of information my way regarding some of what we can all look forward to next season. Here's a taste of what's to come:

In the "suspenseful action mixed with uninteresting trivia" category comes "Twenty Question Naked Razor Bungee Drop", wherein contestants will have to shout the answers to stupid questions with a megaphone while bungee dropping into a narrow glass tube lined with razor blades. Exciting "power meters" and "health level bars" will clutter the screen, promising to add to the sense of danger involved.

"Real Survivor", where contestants have to pass challenges such as fighting over a single set of scuba gear in a small airtight chamber that is slowly filling with water. Six contestants enter every show, and only one walks out!

An idea imported from Japan, "Dick Chop Porn Bombardment Super Attack!!!" is another in the "self-discipline/control" genre (ala "The Chair"). In this show the all-male contestants are strapped into dentist chairs and shown a series of pornographic images. Here self-control is of utmost importance, because contestants who reach a state of erection have their penis sliced right off with a high-powered laser beam! Naturally, all contestants are carefully screened to make sure that no homosexual "cheaters" end up on the show.

And finally, my personal favorite: "Insane School Psycho Killer Guy", which is something of a departure from the normal question and answer format. In each episode, a different psychopathic killer is liberated from prison and hidden somewhere inside of a school between homeroom and first period. Littered throughout the school is an assortment of comical/bizarre weapons, such as giant rubber mallets, rabid hamster darts, and sacks full of big round black bombs. It's a more open-ended show than some of the others; the students merely have to survive, the convict has to somehow escape the school and then the cops that have already been dispatched to the scene outside (which should add to both his desperation level AND the overall entertainment value!). The winner receives a $1000 shopping coupon at "Doilies Unlimited" (if it's the school the student body splits the prize).

Maybe they'll cancel 'Friends' when this show launches!
ACTION PACKED!

That's pretty much all I have now, but you can see that things are already getting more exciting than dizzying chairs and dastardly heart monitors. Someday I'm sure the nation will be able to look back on these milder, friendlier game shows we have now and laugh at how "easily amused" we were back then. Hell, many of us are laughing already. And not in a good way.

note: Protoclown once tried out for an episode of Double Dare, but slipped on "pie shrapnel" and sprained his ankle.


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