If you're like me, right about now you're thinking, "Golly, how
could it possibly be New Years again? Didn't we just HAVE one?!"
You've also missed another meeting with your parole officer and
you're under your desk sipping from a off-brand booze out of a
Fresca can. TIP #1: Crouching under your desk doesn't make you
invisible, just like it says on your last performance
evaluation. TIP #2: Anything called "Southerner's Comfort" and
costing less than six bucks for a plastic, two liter bottle will
probably make you blind. TIP #3: Be less like me.
Well, it is New Years again, and the fact that you can't recall
large chunks of April and May doesn't change anything. Just
because you're still nursing a hangover from your office party
is no reason not to get falling down, weeping drunk. Of course
it's no reason you absolutely have to puncture your instep with
shards of Strawberry Shortcake furniture on the way to the
bathroom twice a night for three days running either, but human
being are creatures of habit.
Now maybe I'm just becoming an old fashioned 'geezer', but I've
decided I like ringing in the New Year at home. It was fun to go
out when I was a youngster, but kids these days don't know from
Guy Lombardo, the chances of being killed in a terrorist attack
are attack are about %75, and the LAST thing I need is another
Mexican Tattoo! No, wait, Mexican Tattoo's are second to last,
right after Mexican Syphilis.
Besides, I've got kids now. Sure, a lot of parents get a sitter
and go out, but my ankle bracelet makes that damn near
impossible and if the wife wants to go dancin' with anyone it
sure as hell isn't me! I don't blame her, I'm a terrible dance
partner, always have been. Maybe it's me, I just think a dance
floor is a very exposed place when a pack of crazed baboons is
hunting you. Those fuckin' baboons, man. They ruin everything.
When will they ever let me forget? So, we stay in.
My oldest daughter (that's who she says she is and until
paternity tests are free I see no reason to doubt her) came up
with a great New Year's Eve tradition a few years back. Wish
bags. Got it out of some family magazine the wife subscribes
too. I tried reading one of them once, I mean we're paying for
them, they pile up like dead pets for god's sake, but I couldn't
make head or tail of the damn thing. It was half ads and no one
was naked at all. Anyway, Wish Bags. You take a brown paper
lunch bag, decorate it any old way you want with stickers,
pom-poms, crayons and what all. Then you write your wishes for
the New Year on slips of paper and put 'em in the bag. When they
start counting down the clock in Time's Square you blow up your
bag and at the stroke of midnight you pop it. Which I guess is
in someway supposed to make God care, I don't know. It's from a
Last year all I wrote was 'huff less glue' which turned out to
be pretty useless since I didn't write 'keep receipts for all
glue purchased'. Even that wouldn't have worked because I didn't
keep Glue receipts from previous years, so how the hell am I
supposed to know if I'm cutting back or not? Self-improvement is
a lot harder than it looks and may even take more than a Wish
bag, but it's all I plan on doing, so I mean to make the best of
I've been planning my wishes since New Years day 2003. First
thing I did (well, second, right after Glue because I can't even
shave before my morning Glue, I tried it once and took off an
eyebrow) was go through the trash to find my wife and daughter's
wishes. Everything was pretty torn up so I couldn't really tell
whose was whose but they were both good so it doesn't really
matter. One said "Save the animals in the rainforest" and the
other said "Think about killing my husband less."
For most of the year I was set with "Become King of world", but
that just seemed like more work than I could handle, especially
since I couldn't even bother to write "The World" on my wish.
Then I was going to go with 'Care Less', which seemed to cover
everything but the truth is, I'd much rather have a lot of candy
then care less that I don't have a lot of candy, because I'd
still care some and I like candy. I toyed with "Be more mature"
but I knew if I wrote down a great idea like that all you
bastards would read it and copy my idea. So I'm going to wing
it. You know, trust my instincts. They've never let me down
before. At least that's what my old buddy "Jack Danielson"
always says. And at four fifty a quart, he's rarely wrong.
note: Max Burbank will probably
settle for "Lift the restraining order that my family has on me"
as his wish.