Oh, boy, here comes the New Year! A totally arbitrary brand new
start! A chance to be all clean and new and shed of all the sins
of the past year (and it's a lot of sins!), as innocent as a new
born babe or a Catholic wife beater just fresh from confession
and ready for heaven!
In 2006 I'm going to lose weight! I'll eat healthy and
exercise, even though I won't join a health club or even the
YMCA because while Harvard Pilgrim gets me a $150.00 discount
I'm still too poor to afford a health club membership even
though the wife and I both work full time jobs, so heck, I
wouldn't have time anyway! But I'll sure walk faster from my
office to the boss's office whenever he yells for me! Get that
heart rate up!
I'm going to spend more time with my kids and it's going to be
quality time! They're getting older every day and I can't afford
to miss one second of this precious time, and I'm seriously
going to cut down on words like "Annoying", "Irritating",
"Naughty", "Little bastards" and "Fuck" when I'm with them! And
I'm going to be way, way more patient with the wife, because she
deserves it and when I feel the rage welling up in me I'll just
take a deep breath and say 'yes dear' because at their core all
marriages are a mutual agreement to jointly crush your dreams
until they can be slid under a door and forgotten, and the whole
process is just as heinous for her as it is for you!
And I will not enter 2006 so drunk I climb up on the coffee
table in only my underwear and beg God to tell me why my life is
so unbearable, like I did in 2005. For Gods sake, the kids have
been staying up 'til midnight for three years now, they don't
need to see that kind of shit from their own father, at least
not 'til I lose some damn weight.
Oh, and I'm going to stop sleeping at work. And surfing for
porn. And masturbating! Good Jesus, I have GOT to stop
masturbating at work, for GOD'S SAKE; sooner or later someone is
going to catch me and what the HELL am I going to say?! "Sorry
for masturbating at work?" JESUS CHRIST!
And the constant crying has got to go; sure, sure I know
sensitive men are allowed to cry, but not like this, not
constantly, inappropriately, publicly, and Ditto on the sudden,
bellowed curses! And no more stripping down to my underwear and
crying and cursing at work!
And I'll watch less TV and do the dishes right after dinner and
not let the recycling build up on the porch week after week
until you can't see out the windows anymore and there's no point
in taking it out on recycling day, because there's TOO MUCH OF
IT, THERE'S NOTHING TO DO BUT ADD TO THE PILE, just like that
guy with the crematorium in Georgia who never got around to
cremating anyone and they found all these decaying bodies
stacked up in his woodshed and all over the back yard, except
it's old newspapers and cans and bottles instead of corpses but
it's essentially the SAME DAMN THING, it's ONE STEP REMOVED!
And I will try to stop talking about Death all the time, Death,
it's inescapability, how all becoming is essentially decay! In
2006, I WILL stop my incessant, morbid, chilling, constant
infatuation with the Grim Reaper especially while teaching
Sunday School which anyone could have told you was a disastrous
mistake to let me do!
AND NO MORE OF THAT THING WITH THE FISH! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I
DO IT! I SURE AS HELL DON'T LIKE IT, SO WHY GOD, HOW ABOUT YOU
TELL ME WHY?! IN 2006 I SWEAR TO CHRIST I WILL STOP THAT THING
WITH THE FISH!
And do the laundry more often. And not return the car to my wife
with an empty tank. And that masturbating at work thing. I can't
say enough how much that one needs to go.
Because 2006 is going to be a great year. Not like that fucking
2005, which will go down in history as the suckiest damn year
ever on record. Fuck 2005. Fuck it.
2006 is going to be a wicked year. You'll see. I just know it.