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HAPPY NEW YEAR, 2006!
by: Max Burbank

Oh, boy, here comes the New Year! A totally arbitrary brand new start! A chance to be all clean and new and shed of all the sins of the past year (and it's a lot of sins!), as innocent as a new born babe or a Catholic wife beater just fresh from confession and ready for heaven!

In 2006 I'm going to lose weight! I'll eat healthy and exercise, even though I won't join a health club or even the YMCA because while Harvard Pilgrim gets me a $150.00 discount I'm still too poor to afford a health club membership even though the wife and I both work full time jobs, so heck, I wouldn't have time anyway! But I'll sure walk faster from my office to the boss's office whenever he yells for me! Get that heart rate up!

I'm going to spend more time with my kids and it's going to be quality time! They're getting older every day and I can't afford to miss one second of this precious time, and I'm seriously going to cut down on words like "Annoying", "Irritating", "Naughty", "Little bastards" and "Fuck" when I'm with them! And I'm going to be way, way more patient with the wife, because she deserves it and when I feel the rage welling up in me I'll just take a deep breath and say 'yes dear' because at their core all marriages are a mutual agreement to jointly crush your dreams until they can be slid under a door and forgotten, and the whole process is just as heinous for her as it is for you!

And I will not enter 2006 so drunk I climb up on the coffee table in only my underwear and beg God to tell me why my life is so unbearable, like I did in 2005. For Gods sake, the kids have been staying up 'til midnight for three years now, they don't need to see that kind of shit from their own father, at least not 'til I lose some damn weight.

Oh, and I'm going to stop sleeping at work. And surfing for porn. And masturbating! Good Jesus, I have GOT to stop masturbating at work, for GOD'S SAKE; sooner or later someone is going to catch me and what the HELL am I going to say?! "Sorry for masturbating at work?" JESUS CHRIST!

And the constant crying has got to go; sure, sure I know sensitive men are allowed to cry, but not like this, not constantly, inappropriately, publicly, and Ditto on the sudden, bellowed curses! And no more stripping down to my underwear and crying and cursing at work!

And I'll watch less TV and do the dishes right after dinner and not let the recycling build up on the porch week after week until you can't see out the windows anymore and there's no point in taking it out on recycling day, because there's TOO MUCH OF IT, THERE'S NOTHING TO DO BUT ADD TO THE PILE, just like that guy with the crematorium in Georgia who never got around to cremating anyone and they found all these decaying bodies stacked up in his woodshed and all over the back yard, except it's old newspapers and cans and bottles instead of corpses but it's essentially the SAME DAMN THING, it's ONE STEP REMOVED!

And I will try to stop talking about Death all the time, Death, it's inescapability, how all becoming is essentially decay! In 2006, I WILL stop my incessant, morbid, chilling, constant infatuation with the Grim Reaper especially while teaching Sunday School which anyone could have told you was a disastrous mistake to let me do!

AND NO MORE OF THAT THING WITH THE FISH! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I DO IT! I SURE AS HELL DON'T LIKE IT, SO WHY GOD, HOW ABOUT YOU TELL ME WHY?! IN 2006 I SWEAR TO CHRIST I WILL STOP THAT THING WITH THE FISH!

And do the laundry more often. And not return the car to my wife with an empty tank. And that masturbating at work thing. I can't say enough how much that one needs to go.

Because 2006 is going to be a great year. Not like that fucking 2005, which will go down in history as the suckiest damn year ever on record. Fuck 2005. Fuck it.

2006 is going to be a wicked year. You'll see. I just know it.



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