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NO CONFIDENCE
by: Protoclown

Beware! For suck times are indeed upon us! Yes, it seems that what might possibly be the most inane Presidential election in the history of the world is only a month away! On one hand, we've got an imbecile. On the other, a robot from the far reaches of the cosmos whose wife wants to change the entire nation into Disneyland! Either way, it doesn't look good! 

I hear that some journalist described the second time Nixon went up for election as a choice between eating cold shit or eating hot shit. And I think that certainly applies to this election here. Either way, we're going to be eating an awful lot of shit in a short couple of months, and there really isn't much we can do. (Speaking of shit, in what drug induced dream did Gore pull the idea that he created the Internet from his ass?) For a while I considered leading an army of rabid, feral followers to Quebec, to oust them from their home, because well, nobody likes them worth a damn anyway, but then I realized I don't really want to live up there, regardless of how much things are going to suck here. So I'm not going to flee the country in terror. 

Okay, I could vote for Ralph Nader, but if I'm going to do that, I may as well just go right ahead and vote for Bush, since all I'll accomplish doing is taking a vote away from Gore. Hulk Hogan isn't running, and Duke Nukem no longer seems to be around for the task (with Duke Nukem Forever in limbo right now). So what other options are there? 

It all seems rather bleak, until I remember the Zero Factor. The Zero Factor, you ask? Why yes, I reply! The Zero Factor! For you see, it seems that ever since about 1840 or so, thanks to an Indian curse, every President to be elected in a year that ends with a zero has had something unfortunate happen to them in office. Now I'm not a tremendously superstitious person, but let's look at the facts, shall we? I pulled this information off of a website called "Freaky Secrets of the Presidency", a very interesting site. 

1840: William Henry Harrison. Dies in office of pneumonia. 
1860: Abraham Lincoln. Assassinated. 
1880: James Garfield. Assassinated. 
1900: William McKinley. Assassinated.
1920: Warren G. Harding. Dies of a stroke in office. 
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt. Dies of cerebral hemorrhage.
1960: John F. Kennedy. Assassinated. 
1980: Ronald Reagan. Assassination attempt. (the only one to survive the curse)

And the year 2000 ends in THREE zeroes! Imagine the pain that the curse will inflict on whichever unfortunate sod ends up being elected! I know I surely would not want to be the guy to get elected with something like this to think about! I mean, whether or not you believe in freaky curses, this track record cannot be ignored! So when I take this Zero Factor into consideration, it occurs to me that we just might not have to put up with whoever we foolishly put in office after all. I mean, I don't like either of the guys, but I don't wish either of them dead or anything. But just look at that list! It's insane, I tell you! Put this in your pipe and smoke it, and when you go to the voting booth next month, you might want to put a little more emphasis on choosing whichever VICE president you prefer than you normally would. 

note: Protoclown has decided to cast his vote for the Elder party. Cthulhu all the way! 

note #2: Mr. Mockery has decided to run for president instead. Cast your votes! If you won't vote for him though, Mr. Mockery suggests voting for Pee Wee Herman. ANYONE but the people who are running for election.


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