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NO QUIERO TACO BELL
by: Protoclown

Taco Bell. The plague of all fast food chains. It may make your stomach glow a faint green color and send your shit spewing from your body with all the force of a volcanic eruption, but there was always something nice about the food. It was vile, yes, but cheap. It was hazardous to your health, but at the same time, it was the glue that held your very innards together. 

For you see, those pseudo-Mexican chaps are very clever. They know that the food is going to kill you very slowly. But it's also addictive. As those of you who eat there know, you just can't get enough of the food. Once you start eating there, you feel this strange emptiness in your soul if you haven't been for a while. Frankly, I think this is simply your body's way of telling you that if you don't get a hold of some of their addictive melange tacos pretty soon, you are going to die. It's a self-defense mechanism.

I remember the golden days, when you could get a combo meal that contained a bigass drink and four tacos for under four dollars. Those were good times. Then they took away that fourth taco. Those were not as good but still okay times. Then they decided to take away the bigass drink too, and replace it with a shitty little one. Those were not so good times. But what they have done now is the last straw! 

It might just be that Richmond, VA is a test market for lots of different things. It might just be that they've decided to curse Richmond for no good reason other than their own amusement. But for some unknown reason that is beyond my understanding, all of the Taco Bell restaurants in the Richmond, VA area are now serving FRENCH FRIES in the combo meal. 

"What the fuck is that!?" you ask? Good question. I don't know! What were they thinking?! I can go up to northern Virginia to visit friends there and there are no fries in the combo meal. But I come back home, and I am greeted once again with their nasty, soggy french fries. 

And this is what grieves me the most. They're not even GOOD fries. They're nasty, greasy, soggy, ridged, Oreida reject fries that taste like ass. Now in a typical Richmond Taco Bell combo meal, you get ONE taco-like item, ONE nasty sack of fries, and ONE medium sized drink, for a larger price than ever! You CAN replace the fries with an order of nachos but they've recently changed those too! Now they're these paper thin monstrosities that have no taste whatsoever, and the cheese looks much more like rancid snot now than it ever did before. Either way, it just plain sucks.

I really hope this plague of patheticness is being contained in the Richmond area, but I fear that it will soon spread across the nation (if it hasn't already), causing the skies to be filled with the weeping sobs of poor children who just wanted their nasty good ol' pseudo-Mexican wasteland food. We must not let this happen. The prophetic vision in "Demolition Man" of all restaurants in the future being Taco Bell will never come true now! It must not! For if it does, madness shall reign supreme over the land. 

Since the likelihood of getting Denis Leary to lead our campaign against this Taco Bell oppression is slim (hey, he did a great job in Demolition Man), we must rely on our own wits to stop this madness. We must cleverly sabotage all Taco Bell restaurants that carry these evil french fries. Aww hell, screw being clever. Let's just go to the old standby of turning the bathrooms into public safety hazards. It's just easier that way. A lot faster too. And the restaurant is just brimming over with the weaponry for it. 

I'm sure you all think this old clown is overreacting a bit to this whole Taco Bell thing, but I ask you, how far will it go? If we give them their french fries now, what else will they take from us in the future? Will they take the chalupa away next, and replace it with a burger? Will they sell veggie tacos? Will they stop using actual Chihuahua meat in all the food products? THAT, my friends, is where I draw the final line.


A Deadly Combination Indeed.

We must make our stand now, before they bend us over even further. Keep your eyes on the menu, friends, the fries are coming your way soon. 

note #1: Protoclown has nightmares about that fucking talking chihuahua.


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