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PETA is Human Abuse
by: Protoclown

The other day I was driving with Rog 'n Re and we saw a ridiculous billboard on the highway depicting a fat, deformed mutant child eagerly chomping down on a gargantuan cheeseburger large enough to make the Hardeeís Monster Burger curtsey with respectful reverence like the limp-wristed girlish burger it is compared to this mighty beef behemoth. The text on the billboard said that feeding kids meat is child abuse. Waitówhat? No, my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. It actually did say "Feeding kids meat is child abuse". I had to do a quick WTF double-take as we drove by, and all I had time to notice was a URL on the bottom of the billboard for goveg.com. Now I had thought that PETA was the only group out there completely insane about this sort of thing, and I was worried that there was some other equally loony organization crusading the rights of already-dead animals that are on my plate. But after going home and Googling the billboard, I was relieved to learn that PETA was in fact behind it. I'd be worried if there was more than one insane organization like that out there. PETA is bad enough.

For an abused child, he looks quite happy doesn't he?

I've got no problem with vegetarians Ė if you want to eat nothing but leaves and tree bark, go right ahead. It's not bothering me at all. But don't try to tell me what I can and can't eat. Hell, even if you want to put up a billboard promoting vegetarianism and recommending that people consider it, because after all, animals are cute, even the big dumb smelly stupid ones that you can hunt with a hammer like cows, that's totally cool with me. But the second you call me a Nazi or the Antichrist because I eat meat, or say Iím an abuser of children because I buy a kid a burger, that's when you've taken the first bullet train straight into Batshitzania. As should come as no surprise, PETA happens to be headquartered in Batshitzania, and most of its members have taken up permanent residence there as well.

Clearly this billboard is the result of a simple misunderstanding because PETA is stupid and doesn't know what "abuse" is. Abuse is defined on dictionary.com as:

1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.

2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.

3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.

4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.

I donít see anything about giving your children a well-balanced, nutritional diet listed in there. However, one almost, almost might get the idea that NOT giving your children a well-balanced diet and leaving them weak, frail and malnourished because you've decided eating one of the four basic food groups is "evil" might just fall slightly under that definition.

I understand that they have a message they want to get across, namely "meat is bad". But making up insane bullshit that has no bearing on reality isn't going to help get that message across. So I've decided to come up with a new line of billboards that still clearly communicate PETAís anti-meat message, but actually DO illustrate real abusive situations. Now, these may be a bit extreme, but you can't tell me that stuff like this doesn't happen every single day. Here's my new suggested line of billboards:

but he did it through the hole in the sheet!

Yo Benji... you're next.

Meat hammer build houses... TASTY houses

Luke used animal flesh to stay warm in Star Wars, so what's wrong with this?

I think these examples are far and away superior illustrations of the oppressive beefocracy that has run this country for too long. I think we all "know someone", that being someone other than ourselves *wink*, who got a little lonely and desperate at scout camp andówell, you know. I think even your old Aunt Mabel who has goes to church every Sunday and has never in her life seen an R-rated movie can do the simple math in THAT little equation. See, these examples are more true to LIFE. Thatís what Iím talking about.

Oh, and another thing: I was doing some research on the PETA website and I came across another billboard featuring THIS alluring vixen:

Nice hairy man legs you've got there, lady.

If of course by "alluring vixen" I mean "nasty goat-faced slattern who looks like she was playing the part of the ugly piŮata being beaten with the ugly stick by the ugly birthday boy waiting for the ugly candy that probably tastes like cough syrup to come out". I mean, for fuckís sake, is that hair on her upper thighs or some kind of rash? I donít NEED meat to cause me impotence, all I have to do is look at this billboard and Iím hopelessly flaccid for weeks. Iíve heard vegetarians argue that ceasing meat consumption will clear up your skin and make you look healthier. And if thatís true, you mean to tell me THIS is the best PETA can come up with? THIS was the pinnacle of their Vegetarian Model Search? After seeing that, Iíve resolved to never eat another vegetable again. Thanks, PETA!

note: Protoclown would just like to assure everyone that he never even WENT to boy scout camp.

editor's note: True... he just fantasized about it.

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