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The other day I was driving with Rog 'n Re and we saw a
ridiculous billboard on the highway depicting a fat, deformed
mutant child eagerly chomping down on a gargantuan cheeseburger
large enough to make the Hardee’s Monster Burger curtsey with
respectful reverence like the limp-wristed girlish burger it is
compared to this mighty beef behemoth. The text on the billboard
said that feeding kids meat is child abuse. Wait—what? No, my
eyes weren't playing tricks on me. It actually did say "Feeding
kids meat is child abuse". I had to do a quick WTF double-take
as we drove by, and all I had time to notice was a URL on the
bottom of the billboard for goveg.com. Now I had thought
that PETA was the only group out there completely insane about
this sort of thing, and I was worried that there was some other
equally loony organization crusading the rights of already-dead
animals that are on my plate. But after going home and Googling
the billboard, I was relieved to learn that PETA was in fact
behind it. I'd be worried if there was more than one insane
organization like that out there. PETA is bad enough.
I've got no problem with vegetarians – if you want to eat
nothing but leaves and tree bark, go right ahead. It's not
bothering me at all. But don't try to tell me what I can and
can't eat. Hell, even if you want to put up a billboard
promoting vegetarianism and recommending that people consider
it, because after all, animals are cute, even the big dumb
smelly stupid ones that you can hunt with a hammer like cows,
that's totally cool with me. But the second you call me a Nazi
or the Antichrist because I eat meat, or say I’m an abuser of
children because I buy a kid a burger, that's when you've taken
the first bullet train straight into Batshitzania. As should
come as no surprise, PETA happens to be headquartered in
Batshitzania, and most of its members have taken up permanent
residence there as well.
Clearly this billboard is the result of a simple
misunderstanding because PETA is stupid and doesn't know what
"abuse" is. Abuse is defined on dictionary.com as:
1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a
privilege.
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words;
revile.
I don’t see anything about giving your children a well-balanced,
nutritional diet listed in there. However, one almost, almost
might get the idea that NOT giving your children a well-balanced
diet and leaving them weak, frail and malnourished because
you've decided eating one of the four basic food groups is "evil" might just fall slightly under that definition.
I understand that they have a message they want to get across,
namely "meat is bad". But making up insane bullshit that has no
bearing on reality isn't going to help get that message across.
So I've decided to come up with a new line of billboards that
still clearly communicate PETA’s anti-meat message, but actually
DO illustrate real abusive situations. Now, these may be a bit
extreme, but you can't tell me that stuff like this doesn't
happen every single day. Here's my new suggested line of
billboards:
I think these examples are far and away superior illustrations
of the oppressive beefocracy that has run this country for too
long. I think we all "know someone", that being someone other
than ourselves *wink*, who got a little lonely and desperate at
scout camp and—well, you know. I think even your old Aunt Mabel
who has goes to church every Sunday and has never in her life
seen an R-rated movie can do the simple math in THAT little
equation. See, these examples are more true to LIFE. That’s what
I’m talking about.
Oh, and another thing: I was doing some research on the PETA
website and I came across another billboard featuring THIS
alluring vixen:
If of course by "alluring vixen" I mean "nasty goat-faced
slattern who looks like she was playing the part of the ugly
piñata being beaten with the ugly stick by the ugly birthday boy
waiting for the ugly candy that probably tastes like cough syrup
to come out". I mean, for fuck’s sake, is that hair on her upper
thighs or some kind of rash? I don’t NEED meat to cause me
impotence, all I have to do is look at this billboard and I’m
hopelessly flaccid for weeks. I’ve heard vegetarians argue that
ceasing meat consumption will clear up your skin and make you
look healthier. And if that’s true, you mean to tell me THIS
is the best PETA can come up with? THIS was the pinnacle
of their Vegetarian Model Search? After seeing that, I’ve
resolved to never eat another vegetable again. Thanks, PETA!
note: Protoclown would just like to
assure everyone that he never even WENT to boy scout
camp.
editor's note: True... he just
fantasized about it.
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