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by: Killing Joke

I could never understand the fanatical attraction that people have for their pets these days! In this wonderful day and age where the human race is getting more and more advanced and evolved, there are people that are completely obsessed with animals. Why? Canít you people get attention elsewhere?! Have you become so emotionally shallow that your entire existence must be based around a brainless four-legged mammal?

The "pet" people that piss me off the most are the people who must INSIST to treat their animals like human beings. Stuff like people who put sweaters on their dogs (with the dogís name on it) are a good example of this utter stupidity. Yeah... like the dog is really going to be proud of that little trophy when heís walking down the street. Iím sure the only thing the stupid mutt is thinking is "hey, where is that fire hydrant so I can sniff the trace remains urine of the four thousand other dogs that have pissed on here today." Not to mention the simple that fact that dogs canít READ!

Now is this "cute" little fella thinking to himself,
"My, my, my... aren't I the handsome one?", or is he
thinking, "You know, poop really smells pretty good!" 

Another example of this is with people that talk about their pets as if they were humans. Like they say "Bob" or "Arnold" in a conversation when they are talking about their pet. Yessiree... like there was a big animal civil rights movement a few years ago where disenchanted pets marched to the White House demanding to be treated like individuals amongst the human race. Wait... that didnít happen, because these stupid creatures arenít capable of COGNITIVE THOUGHT. So why do people do it? I know one person who actually has his dogís name on the answering machine. Why? Itís not like someoneís going to be leaving messages for it! It baffles me greatly... Itís also funny how these peopleís lives all of a sudden get completely consumed by this "creature". Before you know it, they are always late, or they never can stay very long because they have to "take care of the pets." So not only are animals a nuisance, stupid, and messy, but they also destroy any social life of any normal person almost immediately.

What really confuses me, are these old ladies that have something like five thousand cats. Sure, I understand, you are old and lonely, so the company of a frisky feline can be comforting to some geezer. But does one really need to get 4,999 more of them?! Even worse, these old ladies reek of nothing but dander and cat piss. Yup... when Iím about ready to clock out of this mortal coil, thatís exactly how I want to be... completely covered in cat excrement! Delightful! But are the people to blame for these actions? No, because these animals have horrible psychic powers that control our minds into acting like complete morons once we get near them. Sure, pets might be stupid but they sure are evil! How can we fight back?

I think we should start thinking of new uses for pets, instead of having them waste our collective times and controlling our will to live. I think they can be used in new and groundbreaking fashions, that would not only rid ourselves of these hideous beasts, but also save the world as well. First off, I think itís time we find out if goldfish really do taste like those cheddar crackers that bear the same resemblance and name. Also, to bring down our ever skyrocketing oil prices, I think itís time to throw ol` Spot into a wood chipper and grind him up into a nice smooth liquid-y paste form. Why you ask? You can use that to lube up your cars and make a fine motor oil. Make sure to skin the fur coat off of him first, so then you can make clothes for the homeless out of it. Not only would they be nice and toasty with their new Beagle shirt, but fashionable also! You can think of thousands of different uses for them! Try a few at your home today! Just think, instead of being annoyed by these stupid animals... you can find new ways to preserve our wonderful planet. Remember that animals use up our valuable air every day, itís time to fix this problem for good. So, all of these actions will be completely justified and will allow us to live a happier, healthy, annoyance-free life.

note: Killing Joke would have written more, but he had to go take his precious little "Fifi" out to get fitted for a new sweater before the next dog show that he was "competing" in.

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