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THROW AWAY YOUR PHONE
by: Protoclown

It occurs to me that much like Mr. Mockery himself, I'm a cynical bastard. Now, mind you, I'm getting worse each and every day. Why is that, you ask? Because of my job.

You see, I work for a telephone answering service, and if you didn't know, it's a suck job, because you get shat upon everyday, by nearly every caller. Angry customers call in and shit on you. Angry clients call in and shit on you. Bitchy nurses and asshole doctors constantly ring in to whine like a shrieky insect in your ear, complaining about the most inane things that you have no personal control over.

But the vast majority of people who decide to call in are insane people and idiots. Mostly idiots. The insane people I can deal with, because hell, they're insane! At least they can be somewhat amusing from time to time! And they have an excuse. The idiots, however, I can find no sympathy for. 

I can describe my job with this (fairly accurate) analogy: Okay, let's say that I'm just your average ordinary guy (and not the insane cynical bastard I am). The caller is Lassie. And little Timmy has fallen into the well (oh no!). Lassie is trying to communicate this tragedy to me through barking, grunting, pooping, and whatnot, and I'm trying to translate the noises coming from this farting, epileptic dog into "Timmy has fallen in the well. Get help." This is not an easy task. Usually "Timmy has fallen into the well" actually means "Yo! My AC's out!" when it's about 50 degrees or so outside.

Let me now enlighten you all on the bleak future of humanity by giving you a few more examples of the caliber of idiot that I talk to. One of the places I answer for is a church. A day or two before New Year's Eve, some idiot calls me up and asks "What time the midnight mass on New Year's Eve?" so naturally I responded "Gee, sir, I don't know. They just didn't tell us." So he hung up, disappointed, and likely never figuring out what time the midnight mass was held. I wasn't about to tell him.

Some other guy calls me up one day and tells me he needs his bathroom tiles changed pronto, because it's a horrible color, and they're hurting his eyes! He needs me to page maintenance for his apartment complex right away, this is an emergency! It wasn't even a prank call, this moron was serious. 

And just a week ago, some guy calls his doctor with an emergency. So I ask him what the problem is, as I have to for every call. And he tells me there's something in his head. Okay, I'm thinking, he's calling for his shrink. This guy is insane, right? I check the account, and he's calling for his primary care doctor, not a fucking psychiatrist. He then goes on to tell me how he thinks a mouse crawled down his throat, and is now inside of his head. He SHOULD have been calling a shrink, but he wasn't. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Why do people call their apartment complex's maintenance man when they have a fire? Does calling 911 even OCCUR to these fucking wastes of humanity? "Hrmm. Let's see, call 911 or call maintenance. I can either get a quick response from the fire department, OR I can get the fat guy with the wrench, who won't even bother to show up until he's done eating his chicken dinner and has had a few beers. These people deserve to burn if they're going to be that fucking stupid, as far as I'm concerned. And no, I'm not making that scenario up either, people do it all the time. You'd be amazed. Sometimes they even let us put them on hold while their apartment is ablaze. 

Some other apartment complex this last weekend was without electricity due to some unknown problem with the power company. So of course everybody calls to complain to maintenance even though they have nothing to do with the problem. One moron has the bright idea of asking why in the hell the office didn't bother to send out a memo about the power outage. As if they'd planned it in advance. "Please be sure to get all of your precious belongings off the floor next Wednesday, we're planning a flash flood. Oh, and don't forget about the fire scheduled for the 13th!" 

I'm tired of people calling the office of some tiny ass company that sells fucking mini blinds and asking if Bob is in at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night. I'm tired of people calling me and telling me about the kids skateboarding out in the parking lot and how they should be stopped. I'm tired of people asking me stupid ass questions about companies that I couldn't give two shits about, much less have any useful information on. I'm tired of little old ladies telling me they don't want to talk to the doctor on call and asking me if I can page the doctor who is in vacation in Europe that week. 

I'm just tired of people, I think. Call after call after call of moronic proportions. People who probably don't even have the intelligence necessary to tie their own shoes in the morning who decide they need to call and argue with me over their apartment complex's parking policy. People who can't speak English even though they were born in the United States, to an English speaking family. 

So where am I getting at? I think we should all just throw our fucking phones away, damnit! Let's get rid of the things. We'll go back to telegraph, or maybe courier pigeons and smoke signals. Anything, anything at all to keep the idiots away! Or better yet, phones that have 100 confusing buttons on them! Then the morons won't understand how to work them then! We need to make things as difficult as possible for the idiots to survive! If we don't cater to their needs, then we can truly get rid of them once and for all. But right now we're making things WAY too easy for them. And my god, they're everywhere! 

So I suggest that we all break into everybody's home, steal their phones, and then create big telephone bonfires in the woods. We can do ritual dances around the bonfires and pray to the phone gods that the idiots will go away because of our glorious sacrifice. Most likely though, all that will accomplish is get these people to go out and buy the phones with the REALLY big buttons on them, so that even more of the annoying bastards will be able to figure out how to use them. 

note 1: Protoclown tried using smoke signals once, but ended up burning off his eyebrows. 

note 2: -RoG- tried using smoke signals once, but ended up burning off Protoclown's ass hairs.


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