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by -RoG-

Game shows have never really been my cup o' grog. Call me crazy, but seeing shows like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" in which people can still win $30,000 for answering a few measly questions, while it takes many people over a year to earn that much, just isn't what I call "entertainment". And then if they don't win any money, you become enraged at just how stupid the contestant was and you find yourself saying "I could have answered those questions and won all that money!" Well, you're not on the show pal. You're never going to be on the show. Unlike the people on shows like that who get to win huge sums of cashola for answering questions like "What is the name of a coin that is equal to 25 cents?", you're going to have to slave away at a job your entire life. Still there is one game show that can draw you in and make you crave it more than crack.


The Price Is Right! I don't know what it was about the show, it just seemed like a big circus. A huge cheering crowd, big colorful glittery sets, and even products that mom used at home! Yes indeed, The Price Is Right was and still is just one huge advertisement for products. It's a marketing machine and we've all been sucked into it at one point or another whether you admit it or not. "There's no fucking way that tube of toothpaste costs 5 bux!" You know you've found yourself shouting this at the show sometimes, and it's ok... you're not alone.

Now it's bad enough that a show that is basically one long commercial has the power to suck us in and beg for more, but what really scares me is how the show still looks exactly the same! Kryste, I started watching the show in the early 80's and it's now the year 2002 and you literally can't tell the difference between the shows of each time period. The sets still look like they're from the early 70's. You'd think that a show that was so popular for so long would want a makeover to stay "hip" right? But no, it doesn't. Why? Because it doesn't need to. The show is still doing just fine even today, so why would they want to spend money on a fancy new set?

It's Bob Barker!
The same set that they're using today.

Beam us up, Bobby.
Are those things supposed to tell you their score
or are they control panels for the Enterprise?

The only thing on the show that does really look up-to-date is the car prize. It's pretty strange seeing a brand new car from the year 2002 on a set that was built before the pyramids. Speaking of the big car prizes, that's really the moment in the show that we all wait for isn't it? When Rod Roddy announces "IT'S A NEW CAR!" we all feel a rush of joy spread through our veins as if we were actually going to be getting that new car for ourselves. I don't know what the hell it is about when he says that, but he has a way of making it sound like it's more important than a cure for Aids. Scary. Very, very scary.


Stop humping the car you sick bastard!
Unfortunately, some contestants get a little
"too excited" about their new car. I mean really,
car-humping is taking it a little too far folks.

And look at the sets. Some of the sets are so cheap you'd think they hired elementary school kids armed with cardboard, glitter, and Elmer's glue to create 'em. And speaking of glitter, dear god have you actually seen Rod Roddy? He's the announcer guy that yells "Come on Down!" whenever it's someone's time to be on The Price Is Right. He also tells you every miniscule detail about any products that appear on the show. "Yes Crisco, for all of your cooking needs!" The man is a living, breathing product advertisement. I'm just waiting for him to snap one day and start adding in his own stuff into the product descriptions. You know, something like, "Cascade will leave your dishes absolutely spotless... and it's great for cleaning up even the most gory crime scenes too!" You just know the guy is thinking that.

But back to the glitter reference; Rod Roddy wears the most blinding jackets I have ever seen in my life. I don't know who the hell makes these jackets for him, but the amount light that they reflect could probably give you skin cancer if you came in close proximity of 'em. Check out these jackets (I recommend wearing dark sunglasses with UV protection first):

I'm going to eat your children.

Any guy named "Rod Roddy" who wears jackets like that just can't be up to any good. Mark my words people, Rod Roddy is going to put Charles Manson to shame someday soon. Just you wait and see...

Another scary thing, is unlikely all of the showcase models the show has gone through, Bob Barker is still the host. What, grandpa can host the damned show, but nobody wants to see grandma in a bikini holding up a bottle of turtle wax? Sexist bastards. And then there's the psychotic contestants on the show. These people are still wearing clothes from the 70s. People coming out with giant afros, headbands, bell bottoms, wrist bands, and more. It's just one giant retro freak show I tell ya.

You know, I'm starting to think they've been holding old contestants hostage in the Price Is Right Dungeon for the past 20-30 years. Maybe that explains why when they get on stage they almost always try to kiss Bob Barker. It's their subliminal way of pleading for their lives. And it's not just the women, you can tell that the guys want to kiss him too. And if they don't win the prize, they literally look suicidal when the crowd goes "awww". Just look in the eyes of a contestant and in a matter of minutes you'll see a full range of emotions, from excitement to terror, all wrapped up into one hell of a disturbed little nugget.

Smoochy Smoochy!
"Kiss me all you want... you're still going
back to the dungeon once the show's over."

Actually, I think Bob Barker is the scariest thing about the show. He's looked the same since the first day I saw him on the show. Take a look at the following pictures, it'll be all the proof you need:





THE MAN DOESN'T AGE! He's like the "Tall Man" in the Phantasm movie series, filled with embalming fluid and walking the earth for all eternity. And he still uses that same ancient microphone with the 5000ft. cord. Ever hear of a wireless mic Bob? I'm sure he has, but he probably likes having the long cord because it's constantly tripping people up, and it's probably a good makeshift whip as well. I don't know what Bob Barker's grand plan is, but I don't want to be around when he unleashes his geriatric fury on all of humanity. Stay the fuck away from me Bob, ok? Stay the fuck away.

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