|
Game shows have never really been my cup o' grog. Call me crazy,
but seeing shows like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" in which
people can still win $30,000 for answering a few measly
questions, while it takes many people over a year to earn that
much, just isn't what I call "entertainment". And then if they
don't win any money, you become enraged at just how stupid the
contestant was and you find yourself saying "I could have
answered those questions and won all that money!" Well, you're
not on the show pal. You're never going to be on the show.
Unlike the people on shows like that who get to win huge sums of
cashola for answering questions like "What is the name of a coin
that is equal to 25 cents?", you're going to have to slave away
at a job your entire life. Still there is one game show that can
draw you in and make you crave it more than crack.
YOU CAN'T FIGHT THE URGE TO WATCH IT!
The Price Is Right! I don't know what it was about the
show, it just seemed like a big circus. A huge cheering crowd,
big colorful glittery sets, and even products that mom used at
home! Yes indeed, The Price Is Right was and still is just one
huge advertisement for products. It's a marketing machine and
we've all been sucked into it at one point or another whether
you admit it or not. "There's no fucking way that tube of
toothpaste costs 5 bux!" You know you've found yourself shouting
this at the show sometimes, and it's ok... you're not alone.
Now it's bad enough that a show that is basically one long
commercial has the power to suck us in and beg for more, but
what really scares me is how the show still looks exactly the
same! Kryste, I started watching the show in the early 80's and
it's now the year 2002 and you literally can't tell the
difference between the shows of each time period. The sets still
look like they're from the early 70's. You'd think that a show
that was so popular for so long would want a makeover to stay
"hip" right? But no, it doesn't. Why? Because it doesn't need
to. The show is still doing just fine even today, so why would
they want to spend money on a fancy new set?
The same set that they're using today.
Are those things supposed to tell you their score
or are they control panels for the Enterprise?
The only thing on the show that does really look up-to-date is
the car prize. It's pretty strange seeing a brand new car from
the year 2002 on a set that was built before the pyramids.
Speaking of the big car prizes, that's really the moment in the
show that we all wait for isn't it? When Rod Roddy announces
"IT'S A NEW CAR!" we all feel a rush of joy spread through our
veins as if we were actually going to be getting that new car
for ourselves. I don't know what the hell it is about when he
says that, but he has a way of making it sound like it's more
important than a cure for Aids. Scary. Very, very scary.
IT'S A NEW CAR!
Unfortunately, some contestants get a little
"too excited" about their new car. I mean really,
car-humping is taking it a little too far folks.
And look at the sets. Some of the sets are so cheap you'd think
they hired elementary school kids armed with cardboard, glitter,
and Elmer's glue to create 'em. And speaking of glitter, dear
god have you actually seen Rod Roddy? He's the announcer guy
that yells "Come on Down!" whenever it's someone's time to be on
The Price Is Right. He also tells you every miniscule detail
about any products that appear on the show. "Yes Crisco, for all
of your cooking needs!" The man is a living, breathing product
advertisement. I'm just waiting for him to snap one day and
start adding in his own stuff into the product descriptions. You
know, something like, "Cascade will leave your dishes absolutely
spotless... and it's great for cleaning up even the most gory
crime scenes too!" You just know the guy is thinking that.
But back to the glitter reference; Rod Roddy wears the most
blinding jackets I have ever seen in my life. I don't know who
the hell makes these jackets for him, but the amount light that
they reflect could probably give you skin cancer if you came in
close proximity of 'em. Check out these jackets (I recommend
wearing dark sunglasses with UV protection first):
AHHHH! MY EYES! I'M BLIND!
Any guy named "Rod Roddy" who wears jackets like that just can't
be up to any good. Mark my words people, Rod Roddy is going to
put Charles Manson to shame someday soon. Just you wait and
see...
Another scary thing, is unlikely all of the showcase models the
show has gone through, Bob Barker is still the host. What,
grandpa can host the damned show, but nobody wants to see
grandma in a bikini holding up a bottle of turtle wax? Sexist
bastards. And then there's the psychotic contestants on the
show. These people are still wearing clothes from the 70s.
People coming out with giant afros, headbands, bell bottoms,
wrist bands, and more. It's just one giant retro freak show I
tell ya.
You know, I'm starting to think they've been holding old
contestants hostage in the Price Is Right Dungeon for the past
20-30 years. Maybe that explains why when they get on stage they
almost always try to kiss Bob Barker. It's their subliminal way
of pleading for their lives. And it's not just the women, you
can tell that the guys want to kiss him too. And if they don't
win the prize, they literally look suicidal when the crowd goes
"awww". Just look in the eyes of a contestant and in a matter of
minutes you'll see a full range of emotions, from excitement to
terror, all wrapped up into one hell of a disturbed little
nugget.
"Kiss me all you want... you're still going
back to the dungeon once the show's over."
Actually, I think Bob Barker is the scariest thing about the
show. He's looked the same since the first day I saw him on the
show. Take a look at the following pictures, it'll be all the
proof you need:
BOB BARKER - 1972
BOB BARKER - 1984
BOB BARKER - 1991
BOB BARKER - 2002
THE MAN DOESN'T AGE! He's like the "Tall Man" in the
Phantasm movie series, filled with embalming fluid and walking
the earth for all eternity. And he still uses that same ancient
microphone with the 5000ft. cord. Ever hear of a wireless mic
Bob? I'm sure he has, but he probably likes having the long cord
because it's constantly tripping people up, and it's probably a
good makeshift whip as well. I don't know what Bob Barker's
grand plan is, but I don't want to be around when he unleashes
his geriatric fury on all of humanity. Stay the fuck away from
me Bob, ok? Stay the fuck away.
|
